For The One

In case you didn't know, Grasping Joy is here! The publication date has past, meaning the book is "released", I'm officially a published author. In this first week people are asking how it feels. Am I so excited?

It's funny how it's been hard to answer. More like, hard to put into words how it feels. Yes! I am so happy to have the book completed. To have a copy on my shelf, next to the 3 drafts it took me to get there. I'm relieved, satisfied with the work I put into this big project. 

I'm excited to finally share the story--looking forward to people reading it and getting to know my Drew. Being inspired by his strength and trust. I'm prayerfully anticipating newfound joy to be realized by those who take the journey with me through 2016. I can't wait to be encouraged by the stories people share with me! 

Having the complete story in one place for our family to keep was one of the main goals for putting together this book. I wanted Molly, who was too little to remember much about Drew or his journey, to have a place to go to with her questions for the rest of her life. For my little nephews and niece to have a chance to know who their cousin was and all he braved.

We have it now, it's done. Drew's memory can be shared as a part of our family's story in a very tangible way. 

With the release of the book, I'm also filled with gratitude for everyone who's helped me to get here. I know I wouldn't have made it to publication without my friends and family who have been encouraging and praying for me along the way--all 4 and a half years. 

When I'd get discouraged writing, when grief became too much again, when I got just plain tired and wanted to quit--I had friends that reminded me of the other big motivation behind this book. If God can use our story to win over even one heart, I had to write it. If just one person reads this book and is saved for eternity, it'll be worth it all. Keep going Heidi, you may just meet someone in Heaven who will thank you for not giving up. 

And so I kept going. 

I'm thankful for the knowledgeable people and hired professionals that helped me through various stages of the process. It's taken a community, and in fact multiple communities, to walk with me through writing Grasping Joy, and I'll always be thankful. It's really an achievement for all of us! An example of what God can do with willing and hardworking hearts. 

As the first copies are being delivered, I feel nervous too. Revealing something you've poured yourself into for so long makes you a little anxious! Will people think it's good? Hopefully it reads well, isn't too much, doesn't seem amateur... 

Along those lines, I've also felt a little exposed, vulnerable maybe is the word? Obviously, I wrote it for people to read but when it comes down to it, sharing your doubts, your pain, your private breakdowns with the public is intimidating. Even when you think you're prepared, maybe a part of you will always feel a little awkward or embarrassed, knowing others will join you in your most intimate moments.

I really am appreciating all the excitement and enthusiasm from all of you. The encouragement and congratulations sent my way have been overwhelming. Personal messages, gifts, and public posts have brought not only a smile to my face, but in my heart. Up until now, this work has been very quiet and diligent, intense at times and even lonely as I wrote and edited and worked and designed and created in front of my computer. At least I had my Sneeky for most of that time!

So now to bring in everyone else and share this work that's been done, is a relief. The positive feedback, praise and encouragement feel so good!

But at the same time, I can't help but wish it was for a different reason. That this celebration didn't have to have anything to do with the death of my son. That any success I have doesn't have to feel like it was at my sweet Drew's expense. I will always wish that none of this happened to us in the first place, that I could have kept my little boy. I'd trade all the praise just to have my Drew back. 

My head understands the truth. Celebrating the completion of this book doesn't mean I'm happy Drew died. No, I can still hold grief and joy in the same place, and this is just another example of it. I am, in fact, honoring him by telling his story and sharing what we learned at such a cost. Giving his suffering more purpose, building on what he began. 

But sometimes it's hard, my heart still protests.

The last thing I'm feeling? Motivated. Excited for the work ahead. A new journey is beginning as I start off as an author for the first time. I guess by now I should know that that's always how it is--when one journey ends, another begins. From here, I'll be working to share my story with as many people as I can reach--knowing it's God who really is reaching people. I'll be contacting media outlets, submitting press releases, lining up interviews, and setting up speaking engagements. Trying to learn and keep up with social media and the website as an author in 2026.

Thankfully, God has been preparing me for this through the work I've already been doing with Warrior Wagons. Funny how He does that--uses things for more than one purpose.

If you haven't bookmarked my new website, please do! You'll see all the latest, get all the updates on Grasping Joy and my journey as an author. It's this blog's new home too! You'll find all the past blogs archived and see each new one posted. 

www.HeidiJBecker.com

This will be the last blog posted here. The site will redirect you to the new page soon, so don't be left behind! 

I am looking forward to seeing where God takes Grasping Joy. I've watched God work and been blessed to be a part of His plan before. It's truly the best feeling ever! I have all confidence He'll blow us away again, I'll just have to keep up.

And whenever I get to meet that one person that God used this story to save, I will know that the time and tears and effort was all worth it 💗

The Perfect Cover

One of the first things my publisher and I worked on together was designing the cover. The designer and I had a meeting where we got to know each other, and I shared about Grasping Joy. She hadn't read it on purpose, not wanting to come into the design meeting with any pre-conceived ideas. Instead, she explained that she likes to hear from the author their ideas and what themes are in the book.

To prepare for this meeting, I did a little recon work at the local Barnes and Noble. 

It's funny how browsing books on shelves hits different when you're trying to picture your book in the collection! I was kind of nervous, felt jittery inside as I walked through the novels, memoirs, and self-help books. But I started to have fun, and smile at the idea that I really am going to be an author. Still feels like I'm pretending!

In addition to getting re-energized to actually publish a book, I did leave with some ideas. I decided I liked images, not illustrations as much. I wanted a clean, colorful design. There were some covers that reminded me of themes in my own book that maybe we could use. Photos I knew I had from Drew's journey that may work to embody the book's message. It was a productive Barnes and Noble visit, and I didn't even get a coffee!

One of the themes I thought of was a road, specifically the lines on the pavement. It's a repeated phrase in the story, as I'm driving to and from the hospital a lot. Maybe we could do something like that?

Also, Drew liked to finger paint with the Child Life specialist. There are several times he finger paints in the story. Maybe the light background/splash of color aesthetic would work with Drew finger painting?

The book begins and ends with our Make-a-Wish trip to Disney World. Maybe a photo from those special memories would work well. I sent the designer a collection of photos from our time at Disney for her to possibly use.

She worked from the ideas and inspirations I gave her. Not too long later, she sent me back several options of directions we could go. 

The road idea:

Finger painting:

And she worked with a photo from our Disney trip that happens to be the closing scene--our ferry ride away from Magic Kingdom watching the fireworks display: 

It was exciting to see them all, and I liked different things about each one. But the fireworks image and the finger painting one stood out to me. I loved how the fireworks cover captured so much--our Disney trip, lights and sparkle in the darkness, and the love between father and son. It didn't show any faces, so it leaves the details of the story ambiguous. But is it weird that I, as the one telling the story, am not pictured?

But the bright white and fun colors of the finger-painting cover really struck me too. It felt more like a book I'd pick up, a book that was about joy. The proud mom in me loved that my Drew's face was on the cover. But does it give away too much? Would it intimidate some from beginning a book about a child that obviously has cancer?

I discussed all this with the designer and we came to a blend of the two. All the emotion and story with the fireworks cover, but with the aesthetic of the finger-painting one. We used a colorful photo of all four of us on a famous ride at Disney. Drew's face and sweet smile is included but not dominating. I could be pictured too, and Molly and Josh also will be on the cover. An amusement park ride could definitely symbolize the journey described in the book. As soon as I saw it, I knew we had it:

It was perfect. 

I hadn't cried yet in the process. Hadn't felt overwhelmed by the significance of this big step, creating the cover, or specifically touched by one of the designs. Until we landed on this one. Drew's sweet smile, the family all together, the bright colors and clean look--I loved it. And to see the title, and my name at the top--This really is happening! It's coming together. Praise God! Tears fell as I studied the final design. This was it!

I still remember that moment in January of 2016 well. We'd waited in line for not too long (thanks to our Wish pass) at the Dumbo ride that last day in Magic Kingdom at Disney World. I took a photo of the two of them, MY two, at the gate. I knew, I knew we wouldn't have him with us always.

Then we got on the ride, and the attendant must have seen me try to take a photo of Molly and Josh riding together. 

He asked me if I wanted a picture too, he could take one of me and my son. I happily accepted, and he snapped the photo, getting all of our family in it, actually.

The engine started up, and around and up and down we went. I watched Drew's enjoyment of the ride without really thinking about my own experience. I really was soaking up every smile, every sparkle in his eye that last day in the Magic Kingdom. And he was serving them up!

His time would be up 10 days after this photo. Ten days later, my Drew would be gone. And I'd have the rest of my life to wait before I get to see him, sit with him, watch him smile, again. It's still hard to believe sometimes. Just how fast he went, how someone you love so much and know so well can be just gone...

It's weird to think now that that moment, with Drew in the Dumbo car, Molly and Josh behind us, will be the face of his story. Our smiles and that scene will be what people look at right before they open the book and begin the story. It'll be what they gaze at as they close the cover while they follow along on Drew's journey. It's what they'll picture as they read about our family and my Drew in the last chapter, the last few pages of the book. I didn't know that day on the Dumbo ride just how many people would see us, be right there with us, in the future. Maybe I'd have fixed my hair a little better--ha! 

Funny how some moments we realize will be defining, symbolic of a chapter or a particular struggle. And then other moments just pass by but later will become something significant. 

This moment in Disney World, was both. 

Pre-order is now available! Find Grasping Joy on Amazon, my publisher's website, and wherever fine books are sold. 

Promises Kept

" The Drew we knew was fading each day.

“My bum bum hurt, Mom. Bum bum huuurt!”

Hearing his weak voice say this over and over broke my heart.

“I know, Bobo. It’s going to be okay.”

We could assume that he had sores in his digestive tract. These sores are like a canker sore, a digestive tract full of canker sores. So far, none in his mouth. We could be thankful for that.

I actually got in bed with him, which wasn’t our usual. His warm, feverish body lay against mine, still smelling faintly of creamed corn. Side by side we sat. Not sleeping yet not fully awake, Drew just lay there draped in tubes carrying aid to his little body, trying to gain some comfort from his mom.

At this point, Drew was on three anti-nausea meds, two pain meds, two antibiotics, and the drug to stimulate his bone marrow to bounce back. He had received a blood transfusion, and his mouth was washed out four times a day with a special rinse to stay ahead of the oral sores. We were certainly doing all we could to help him, to keep him comfortable. While it broke our hearts, Josh and I agreed that we'd seen him worse. Which spoke more to where we had been, than where we were. "

I read through this section of the book last month and sat here and cried and cried. I cried for all my Drew went through. For what was asked of him, at only two years old. I cried because I knew how the story ends--this brutal treatment plan didn't work. He died, despite surviving the powerful chemo drugs, scary infections, and painful side effects. I cried because I miss my baby. Because a part of me is gone, and it still hurts even almost 9 years later...

Over the summer the publisher edited the manuscript for Grasping Joy. They put it through their system and then reviewed the suggested changes. It was passed back to me next and I spent August pouring over every sentence, accepting or rejecting the corrections. Re-working and making adjustments to the text.

The hardest part was the grief it opened up in my heart. While the book is about joy, and I wrote it intending the story to be as much uplifting and encouraging as sad, it had been a while since I'd thought about that year, the last year of Drew's life. Reading through and reliving what I hope to be some of the worst days, the worst moments, of my life was difficult and painful. How could I not cry?

But, just like when I was writing it, there was a bright side--I got to spend time with my Drewy again. I could close my eyes and see him smiling back at me.

 

Watch his lips and hear his little voice saying the words I remember. Feel his sparkle, his energy, once again. He was back to life, back in my life, as I read about his antics. Was reminded of his jokes. Saw him be so strong and brave as just a little boy.

With Drew fresh in my mind, I noticed him gone again, and the familiar ache in my heart, returned. The extra seat at the table, the missing little brother on parent night at school, the fourth face that's not in the Shutterfly puzzle I recently put together of us on vacation.

I remember what it felt like to be the mom of both a daughter and a son. To have two chicks in my nest that I got to care for and enjoy. I miss being that mom. I miss that life I used to have.

After I got through the hard chapters, the ones filled with Drew's suffering, I remembered the comfort I drew after his life ended. This grief, this pain I feel now, I bear in his place. The sickness, the sores, the aches he endured that make me cry to think about, have stopped for him. I remember wishing I could take the suffering for him while he was alive. And now that he's not, I have gotten my wish. While he enjoys Paradise, it's my turn now. And remembering that purpose makes the weight of grief a little easier to carry.


It's finally starting to cool off here in Fresno. Beginning to feel like fall--or as close to fall as we get in the Central Valley. While I had a break from the work of writing and publishing a book, our family had a wonderful summer. We really packed it, as usual, but I don't regret any of the trips or long weekends.

 

Sometimes I can feel guilty about the life we have now, like we shouldn't be enjoying ourselves so much without our Drew. I've wrote about that and can find peace with the negative voices trying to hold me back from joy most of the time.

As Drew's life was coming to an end at the conclusion of the book, it was good for me to read all the promises we made to him and to ourselves. One stood out the most right now--that we wouldn't let cancer take anything more from us. That we'd give Molly the childhood Drew wasn't going to get to have. Our lives would be lived to the fullest each day, just as we'd learned on our journey with Drew. We promised that we'd take every opportunity to LIVE, in honor of our Drew who wasn't going to get the chance.

And I guess that that's just what we're doing.


We're getting so close to this story becoming a real book. The projected launch is now less than six months away! It's been another whole journey to get to this point. Many of you have come along with me, cheering me on. I began writing at the start of the school year in 2021, so it's been over four years now that I've been working on this book.

Gosh, I miss my faithful emotional support cat...

In those four years, I can look back and see so many times that God guided me through. From giving me the strength, words, and diligence to get it written, to connecting me with my editor in Colorado, to pairing me with my publisher. I'm in awe, truly, at what God can do if you're willing to follow. I'm sure it'll be just as exciting to see what happens from here!


My tears last month weren't all sad. Reading through some wonderful memories filled me with the joy I describe and explain in the book. I'm so glad I have captured on the pages some of the best moments of my life, too:

" The next day, Molly got the Gator out after we picked her up from school. She sat down in the driver’s seat, and Drew climbed up beside her. She first started swerving around the front yard, but eventually began making laps around the house. I hid in the bushes and then jumped out into their path as they rounded the corner. They both squealed with laughter, and Molly jerked the wheel to avoid me.

I laughed, too.

When they came around the next time, I could hear them giggling in anticipation as I stood in my hiding spot waiting for them. As I jumped in their path this time, they squealed even louder. Surprise, joy, and innocence. If those things had an expression all wrapped into one, it was on both of their faces. We played this game for a few more rounds until the laughter made its way to my broken heart. I had a smile on my face, a genuine smile, when they finally lost interest in our little game.

As I laid them down for naptime, I felt a familiar peace rivaling the sadness and shock. During my break in the middle of the day, I thought about Drew and his joy that afternoon. Again, his age and understanding saved him from feeling what Josh and I were. He didn’t know that he was going to die but just knew it was fun to ride in the Gator with his sister. "

 

The good and the bad, the joy and the sadness, balance and complete each other. As I discovered they always do. It's possible to have joy even in sadness, peace even when your heart is broken. But you already know all this. I'm looking forward to sharing it with everyone else💖

Why?

Violence and tragedy seem to be bombarding us. Whether it's the school shootings that have taken place since the beginning of fall, or the random act of violence in North Carolina a few weeks ago. Even before that, the flooding in Texas that swept away so many lives, young and old. And obviously the assassinations of the Minnesota state legislators, and now, Charlie Kirk. 

All of this can leave us asking why? Why, God, are you allowing such loss, such sorrow, in the lives of some truly innocent people? Why didn't you protect them, save them from such an awful fate??

I, like many of you, have asked these questions about the national events, but also in my life personally. Why, Lord, why didn't you save my little boy? Why didn't you keep our family together? Didn't you hear all of our prayers??

 

 

Many of us are watching, reading, hearing, and seeing how all of these national tragedies are just causing further division and hostility in our country. Communities in-fighting, families dividing, and friendships broken because of which side each fall on. Because they can't agree on the cause and what the solution is. 

If the event wasn't sad enough, the aftermath can be just as heartbreaking. 

It's okay to be upset. This isn't how God intended the world to be. If you, like me, are disgusted by the world right now, I think that's okay. Good even. We should be disgusted by what sin and evil have done to humanity, to people's hearts. We can hate the sin and wickedness in this world and mourn for all that has been lost, because the Bible tells us God does too (Genesis 6:6, John 11:35). 

I think it's so hard for us to understand why He allows such appalling events because we think suffering and death should be avoided at all costs. It's a natural instinct to not intentionally bring either of these things upon ourselves or want them to be inflicted on those we love. But in God's kingdom, suffering and death are some of His most powerful tools. Ones He doesn't take off the table. Much to our regret and deep, deep disappointment...

I know I'm not the only one who knows this all too well. Seeing a loved one endure hardship or losing them altogether is one of the hardest things we can face. But yet, once we can see straight again through the grief, you really can see how God can use even death for good. That sometimes if we didn't have the suffering or the loss, we'd never accomplish half of what God can do through the tragedy.

This is what I have told myself in the past and keep reminding myself as one terrible news story comes after the other. We can mourn but not like the world does, without hope (1 Thess 4:13). No, we have a living hope in the face of death (1 Peter 1:3, 1 Tim 4:10). We will see our fellow Christians again. Death does not win, because of Christ and His finished work on the cross. We are more than conquerors, and we should act that way (Romans 8:37). 

On the hill of calvary Jesus defeated the enemy, answered all of our prayers, and saved our loved ones. He died for the sinners, and for the saints. For those on the left and on the right. For the little ones, and the old ones. For you, and for me (John 3:16, Romans 5:6, 2 Cor 5:15, 1 Peter 3:18). Suffering and death are ugly and horrifying, but they ultimately lost their power 2,000 years ago. The enemy will not win no matter how many lives he takes on his way to destruction.

Our living hope sustains us today because we know that there is a day coming. The day will come when Jesus returns and brings with Him Heaven to this this broken Earth. All will be redeemed, all will be restored. He will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more pain or death. God will dwell with us, and from the Tree of Life will flow living water. His justice will rein down on the evil, and punishment will come to all who have not repented of their sins (Rev 21). It will be a glorious day!

But we aren't there yet. 

We all wait and groan, experience the birth pains as we wait for His return to restore all things (Romans 8:22). To redeem us and bring His justice. 

In the meantime, what can we do? How do we keep moving forward when we are so weighed down by the sadness in this world? 

We do what He tells us to do: Be thankful (Col 4:2). Trust in Him (Psalms 125:1, Proverbs 3:5). Have peace because He has overcome the world (John 16:33). Love Him with all our hearts, minds, and souls, and keep His commandments (Mark 12:30, John 14:15). Do not compromise on His truth (2 Cor 4:2-4), but love others as He instructs us (Mark 12:31, John 13:35-36). Which is without judgement but not rejoicing over sin (1 Cor 13, Matt 7:1). Encouraging one another with psalms and hymns. Reminding and strengthening each other with His promises and wisdom (Col 3:16)

And if we do this, we will find joy in this life even before creation is redeemed. I know, because I've experienced it. I've learned what it means to be sorrowful, yet always rejoicing (2nd Cor 6:10). Our work does matter in this life as we further His Kingdom. We ought to keep doing it! Keep raising our little ones to know Him, keep using the abilities and skills He gave us at our jobs. Be a good neighbor and friend. Shine our light into this world's darkness (Matt 5:16).

I don't think there ever will be an answer to why in this life that completely satisfies our broken hearts. Some things--like children being swept away while they sleep, innocent blood being spilled in a subway, a father taken from his young family, and little boys dying from cancer before their 3rd birthday-- will just never sit right in our hearts. But that's why it's called faith. We have to hold on to the belief that it will make sense someday. That with an eternal perspective, we will we see how this is the way it all had to be. God doesn't ask us to like it, but to trust Him anyway. Be confident in His power and His victory and wait for the day when He returns in His glory.

I know I'm not the only one praying right now, bring on the day Lord!

**Sorry for all the verse notes, I'm sure it feels like a lot. It was a lot to look up! But I included the Biblical references because I do think it's important to show the receipts. Not just say things that sound good to ourselves, but not know where the words come from. Support our arguments with references, cite our sources**