Vacation

Last week, Josh and I were on a wonderful vacation, a cruise out of Florida to the Bahamas.  When Josh brought it up a couple of months ago I wasn't sure it was a good idea.  How could I ever enjoy myself?  How could I miss Molly in the short term, on top of missing Drew in the long term?  And would Molly be okay?  I wouldn't want to upset her by being gone...But we discussed it with her, and right away she was excited to go to Grandma's. So I gave in to the idea.

As the sail date got closer, it was nice to have something to look forward to.  I had a few bad days in the couple weeks before, and the prospect of sunshine and beaches was one of the things that helped me through. I didn't necessarily announce the trip, not because it was a big secret, but more to be smart about it.  As much as I put "out there", we didn't think it was wise to announce we'd be gone for a week.

Saying goodbye to Molly was hard.  It always has been as we left for trips in the past, but maybe more than a little tougher after what we've been through.  But, just like everything, the buildup to saying goodbye was worse than actually doing it. Once again, Molly is such a trooper, I was more upset than she was.  I knew she'd be okay, and both sets of grandparents were looking forward to having her. 

So, we got on our plane to Orlando, and as we walked through that airport, I tried my best to ignore the familiar terminal and gate that not even four months ago the four of us Beckers walked through and sat at together surrounding our amazing Disney Trip.  The Give Kids the World greeter waiting for a Wish family was a little harder to ignore.  But, I wiped away the tears, and decided this was a chance to not be sad for what I don't have, but grateful for the memories, for the good times.  Which made it easier to look forward to new memories we'd be making that week.

We were bussed to Cape Canaveral, and as we watched the Space Center in the distance, we set sail.  The big blue ocean ahead of us, as well as 4 days away from the real world. 

It was wonderful.  This was Josh and I's third cruise together, so we knew just what to expect.  While on the ship we dined, enjoying old favorites like the chocolate melting cake, but also tried new food like escargot, conch and rabbit!

We laid out on the deck, and laughed at the Hairy Chest contest!

We went to shows, played Bingo and games in the Casino, laughed at the comedy shows, cringed at some of the karaoke, and enjoyed people watching at it's finest.

We stopped at 2 ports in the Bahamas, Nassau and Freeport.  Nassau is where Paradise Island and the famous Atlantis resort is located.  We took a taxi there and walked along the beach and through the resort. 

In Freeport we did a shore excursion that took us in an open air bus to a beach where we stayed for several hours. It was amazing to be in the ocean, taking in the beauty that is in the world.

Josh and I had so much fun together. We were good about taking little vacations together before everything started with Drew, and it felt familiar to fall back into being just us.  To be reminded what it was like to be "young, wild, and free" again (although several times I could tell how old we are getting!), and what we liked about each other in the first place. It was nice to have a balcony room, where we could just sit together and look out at the ocean.

It gave me a break from missing Drew, because he never was a part of this space.  Without Molly too, his absence wasn't as obvious, and gave me time to breathe.  To rest.  To take a step back from life and evaluate.  To not talk about the whole experience to anyone for a whole week.  It was tricky sometimes.  I had to decide how I'd answer questions like, "Do you have kids?  How old are they?".  See at home, everyone knows.  There aren't a whole lot of questions.  How am I going to define my family now?  A five year old daughter and a late son?  Answer a daughter and son and nothing more?  Or just one daughter?  I tried out a few answers, liked a few, and hated a few the minute the words came out of my mouth.  But it was nice to experiment, to decide if I wanted to go into it, or not.

There were times I didn't even think about it all.  But I quickly realized there really is no "escaping" reality.  It's always there with you, and only a matter of how long you can be distracted.  I'd see a family of four, an older girl and little boy, and it all came flooding back.  Or when I'd gaze at the beauty of the ocean and sunshine and feel guilty I was even experiencing it, sad that Drew would never be with us on a vacation like this.  I decided I really have to be okay on the inside, in my heart, before I can ever truly be okay wherever I'm at.  And I think I'm making progress on that, but it was just funny I even thought I could forget.  I will never be able to forget.  There were tears in these moments.  But I prayed, and reminded myself of all the things that have become my mantras for over a year now.  Live in the moment, be grateful for what we do have, and know that Drew would want me to be happy.  

It's what I've had to remind myself everyday at home, that going on and living my life as well as I can and choosing to be happy isn't forgetting about him, or acting like he didn't exist.   It's honoring him and the life he lived in his not quite three years by growing and building from the work he did so well on earth.  It's putting action behind the words that Drew was one of the best things that ever happened to me and never the worst.  Living,  for Drew.  And also for Molly.  And myself.   I am more alive than I ever have been because of what I've been through in the last 18 months, not despite of it. 

And I can see that we have and are continuing to grow and build from Drew.  I could tell we are different people now while on the trip.  After only two years in between a "just us" vacation, the changes in us during that time was very obvious to me.  We are more patient with delays or annoyances, more kind and understanding with each other and others.  We are more easier going, not many things are a big deal anymore. I could see the differences in myself as well as Josh, we are more passionate--whether its in happiness or sadness.  And I decided I like who we've become, who we are now.  I have to pause in my heart to acknowledge the great price that was paid to get us here, but I'm glad we are here.  I can begin to feel gratitude for it.  I am so, so grateful for what God, Drew, and what the love of others have done for us and to us in the last 18 months.  And because of that, all that has been poured into us, I will continue to fight each negative thought and fight through each hard day to allow God to transform and use me just as He has planned.   "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)

Signs from Heaven

I had a dream Tuesday night.  Drew was in my lap on the couch, I must have been reading him a book.  I looked over and he was just staring at my face. You know how kids do that?  Instead of looking at the pages they watch your lips, your expressions?  I caught him doing that.  And then he started leaning in for a kiss. He never actually gave a kiss, never figured out that "smack" sound, just leaned in, presenting his face to be kissed.  I was so excited to see him, he so close, doing such familiar things.  I gave him so many smooches. Then Josh came by and we said, "give Dad a kiss?", he said "No... ." Smiling, teasing us. He knew that answer would get us going.  Why not? "I don't want to give Dada a kiss..." Still smiling, being ornery.  Oh Drew...and we tickled him and he giggled...Oh my heart was SO full of happiness in that moment.   But I must have been so happy to see, feel, and hear him I woke myself up.  I quickly closed my eyes again and tried so hard to get back to him.  So hard to find him again in the dark, but I couldn't get him back...

I haven't had many dreams of Drew, like maybe 2 other than this one.  And this one was the most vivid, the most wonderful.  I was so thankful for the experience, for the feeling, but I spent the rest of the day feeling like I had gotten Drew taken away from me all over again.  Wishing I had one more real snuggle and smooch with my boy.  I wrote last time about my weird spells I encounter as I am reminded of Drew and our tragedy as I'm out in the real world again. Since I don't usually have these dreams, I haven't had to wake up and re-orient myself to reality again, something that I hear some of the bereaved have to do each day.  I am thankful that my reality checks have been during the daytime hours after Wednesday morning.   Starting off the day in tears from missing him, is really hard to overcome the rest of the day.  And Wednesday, I couldn't.  I was on the verge of tears all morning as I went about our Wednesday routine of preschool drop off and CBS.  Until after lunch I let them all out.  Just sat in his room and cried and cried, for my baby that I can't get back. 

Some think dreams can be a sign, a visit from your loved one.  It comforts me to think that it might have been a visit, but then upset with myself that I let it make me sad all day.  If Drew could see how his visit made me feel, would he ever come back?  Would he be sorry that he bothered me in the first place?  Hopefully if he could see my reaction, he understands its because I love him so much.  And I miss him just as much.  Maybe some day a visit from him will leave me feeling peaceful.  When I review this dream, it is so "him".  He must be okay, happy, where he's at.  I may not get one more physical snuggle in this lifetime, but he gave me the next best thing.  Instead of feeling sad all day, I could feel energized, motivated, encouraged.  I'm not sure how long that'll take, or if that day will ever come.  But maybe it's another one of those cases where it'll happen if I choose for it to happen.  If I decide, I'm not going to be sad about this, but happy, thankful, that's just how it'll be.

Along the lines of dreams being visits from our loved ones, some really believe in other signs form their loved ones.  I've heard of things in nature like rainbows, butterflies, birds or other animals.  Pennies from heaven, children knowing or seeing things that can't be explained, or even physical things being moved. I've even been asked if I've heard any thing from Drew yet?  As if it'll for sure happen.  The truth is, I'm still trying to decide how I feel about signs.  On the one hand some of the stories or occurrences are pretty convincing, with no obvious explanation.  There must be something to them.  And if it brings comfort to those who receive the sign, maybe it doesn't matter what the explanation is.  Who am I to say it's not their loved one?

How does it line up with our Faith?  Do we think loved ones in Heaven are allowed to interact or direct things on earth to reach us?  It's another question we won't be able to answer with certainty until we get there ourselves.  But again, I could see it both ways.  Possibly God does allow some interaction for the benefit of us on Earth with broken hearts.  He grants some the experience with their loved ones to encourage and comfort them.  If it would be helpful.  Maybe this is why I feel like I haven't gotten any signs yet, I'm not ready. It hurts too much still. Reminds me what I'm without.  I'm not strong enough for it to be helpful yet?  Or maybe I'm too logical, rational.  Poor Drewy's been trying to reach out to me, but I overlook it, or explain it away until he is literally sitting in my lap in a dream.  Plus, a part of me hopes Drew has better things to do right now than be with me at Walmart when I see tractor toys out of place.  Go fishing with my grandpa!  Play with my friend's boy who was also taken too soon by cancer. I'll be up there with you before you know it, go do all the things you can't do here!

On the other hand, I do think one needs to be careful with signs.  That it can be a way that the Enemy can take advantage of us while we are most vulnerable.  We could get so that we are looking everywhere around us for signs when we are desperate for our loved ones, instead of looking above, to the only One who can truly bring us comfort.  And I've seen that.  Moms living from one sign to the next from their little ones, instead of relying on God for comfort and strength.  Also, how can you be sure who's giving the sign?  We know that the other side has certain powers too, and that Satan is the Father of all Lies, couldn't what seems to be a sign be a cruel trick, meant to lure us away from surrendering all to Him?  We can't know for sure, another reason I think to be mindful when considering signs.

Again, I think signs can be comforting to some.  And as long as it doesn't distract you from your reliance on God, and you don't put more emphasis on them than seeing the hand of God in your life, it can be a good thing.  I'm not trying to discredit some experiences.  I have truly gotten goosebumps from some of the stories I've heard!  Maybe I'm just trying to justify to myself why I don't feel like I've gotten any signs yet.  And if when I see a tractor toy out of place at Walmart and it reminds me of Drew and that afternoon at the John Deere dealer, and I'm filled with the joy of the memory, I don't think that that's bad at all.  I just think it's when I start to believe it IS Drew putting things in my path and then become so hungry for more from him that my appetite for God is diminished, that that would be bad.  Does that make sense?  So just take this post for what it is, me sharing how I feel and see things according to what I believe as I go through my journey of grief.  I will continue to pray for clarity and wisdom in this area.




Drew does have another relative to catch up with, who went to Heaven on Wednesday night, Josh's Great Grandma LaVon, Drew's Great-Great Grandmother.  It was so neat to have 5 generations on Josh's side, and we had it through 2 Great Grandmothers for a while!  A privilege to have on this Earth, and a taste of how fun it'll be to have multiple generations together in Heaven!  She loved to play marbles, and was not afraid to play cut-throat!  I'm sure she can have some fun playing with Drewy while they wait for us to join them.  Rest in God's peace and joy Granny, you'll be missed.  She was 97.

Just a Bad Dream...

As I go about my days sometimes, I get a strange Deja Vu feeling, but in reverse or something.  Like I stop and have to remember what I'm doing, where I am, where my son is.  Almost feeling panicked like I lost him, or my mind.  It'll happen at random times and places, I feel almost dizzy.  Confused or numb, like Deja Vu is the best way I can describe it.  I feel almost out of place in my new life without Drew.  Like my heart finally gets stronger than my mind and is saying, wait a minute!  What happened to Drew?  How can he be just gone??  He was just here, where is he?!  It'll happen at somewhat predictable times too, like when I look in his room with no crib anymore, or at the laundry piles with no little boy clothes.  Sometimes as I push a cart in Walmart without him in the basket, or at the library when its just Molly and I walking in.  This week it happened at the park, the first time we've been to this particular one since he died.  It's like my heart's last protests.  It still sometimes can't believe what happened to us. 

I can get my bearings, my mind takes back over and tells my heart all that we know is true.  Yes, Drew is gone.  And it was so sad.  But he is gone.  And we can't do anything to change it.  God had a purpose, a plan, for him and now he's back with God.  God took care of us every step of the way last year, and he'll do it again.  There must be a reason.  It'll make sense in the end.  Drew's better off.  We will be okay.  Breath....and reluctantly, my heart shrinks back until the next time something triggers it to speak out again.

So many have told me they think it probably just feels like a bad dream that I just wish I could wake up from.  And maybe that's what my heart is trying to do, wake up from this bad dream.  I feel like I've read this before in a grief  book, it's one of the stages--disconnecting with reality, or confusion or something.  And I get it now.  Wednesday it'll be three months since I last kissed his forehead, and held his hand.  Not quite 13 weeks since I've heard his sweet, "love you!" and saw his smile.  I think I've been doing so "well" that I forget how fresh this really still is.  No wonder there are moments that I am still in disbelief.

After several times of this feeling, it caused me to really think about this life.  How the Bible tells us that things on this earth are just a "copy,  a shadow" of heavenly things (Hebrews 8:5).  And how we will be much more aware of ourselves and surroundings in Heaven-- "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known” (1 Corinthians 13:12).  That in Heaven, we will finally be home, where our true citizenship is (Philippians 3:20), and where we will be absent from the body, but at home with the Lord (2nd Corinthians 5:8).  Taking all these things into consideration, is it too much of a stretch to think maybe we really will feel like we are waking up from a bad dream once we are in Heaven?  That this life really is fleeting, like James tells us, "like a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away" and we will wake up in a very real way to our eternal life?  Maybe in that perspective, this reality without the son that I once had really IS like a bad dream that someday we will wake up from, shake off, and be glad it's over.

Now hopefully I don't sound crazy.  I think I do have a pretty good grasp on reality.  And I understand that this world, whether it is like a dream or not compared to eternity, has very real consequences.  Jesus told us over and over again that what we believe and the choices we make here on earth matter and will determine our eternity.  It will decide whether when we "wake up" after this life we will regard it as a bad dream, something that after 10,000 years we can look back at and vaguely remember how bad it was.  Or whether we remember this life as actually having been a good dream after all, compared to what we face for eternity, and wish we had made different decisions.

I hope that people reading this know which way they will view this life looking back.  And maybe it's now part of why I'm still here and Drew's not, to spread the word that you can know if you aren't sure, and the better scenario is offered to you, free of charge!  That this life is terrible, and isn't fair.  That yes, children suffer and die from cancer before they even turn 3, but it will all be okay in the end.  It will make sense, and we can wake up from this bad dream to a better reality.  But in the mean time it is possible to enjoy the good things about this place, because of the hope we have for the future.

I hope Drewy woke up that afternoon in Heaven, and was filled with a feeling of being Home.   That he was comforted to know it was over, and that he could rest and play and find his relatives, and wasn't going to hurt or be sick, or scared anymore.  I'd ask him sometimes when I could tell he was about to get sick, "are you going to get sick??" running towards him with a bowl.  "I hope not!" he answered once, about 30 seconds before it all came back up.  Never again will he have to "hope" that he will feel better.  And just the thought of that brings me comfort, during these moments when I feel so lost without him.





It was about a year ago that we went through a really tough week.  I said at the time it was one of the worst weeks of my life, and I still think it is in the top 3 behind only when we found out the cancer was back, and our last week with Drew.  We were in the hospital, waiting for his counts to come up to collect stem cells for the transplants.  He was having bone pain from the shots we had to give him each night to stimulate his bone marrow to recover.  His central line was out due to a previous line infection, so each blood draw at 4:30AM had to be done the old fashioned way, leaving his veins bruised.  They had already placed the catheter in his neck from which they'd filter his stem cells out of his blood when it was ready, making him not able to bend his neck to that side.  And to top it off, he had an IV blow a vein and fill his arm with fluid to the point where his hand was blue and his skin on his forearm was blistering.  It was a rough week.  Here he is from that week, looking like he's been through a war.

But we made it to the collection where they hoping to get 8 million stem cells, and our Drewy gave them 19 million.  It gives me goosebumps even now to think of the relief and the joy that report was after the week we had.  I picture that when I think of how we'll end this life.  Our souls scared, bandaged, bruised and weak, but we'll make it.  I hope to have a similar experience of relief and joy at my final report.  It's that vision that keeps me working hard through this bad dream of a life, so that I can wake up and find myself in a much better place, where I am truly at Home with the Lord and with my Drew again.  But until then I'll look at these pictures of how much Drew endured, and know that I can endure too.  He made me so proud that week, and continues to motivate me to finish this life strong. 

Here Drew is the very next day after he got home from that dreadful week in the hospital.  Choosing Joy.  Bless his heart. May he motivate you too!

The Easter Story

I mentioned before that I was choosing to reflect on Jesus and all that Lent teaches us during this season as I've been experiencing the loss of Drew.  I decided that the living without Drew was enough of a challenge to tackle during Lent this year, but I would turn to the Father for comfort and Truth as I grieved.

God does not disappoint.  He has been with me every day this Lent, teaching and showing me new truths, but also instilling in me old ones.  Some have made it on here, some I've been keeping notes about in my personal journal. 

My CBS (Community Bible Study) group that I go to on Wednesdays mornings has an "Opening" to our time together given by one of the members each week.  I've felt the nudge to speak the whole year, and it finally worked out this week.  And right during Holy week!  So I put together as much of what I've gained about Easter as I could through the course of the last year up until now.  I will share it here with you all too, because the price we paid for these truths, perspectives, and understanding was too great to not share it with as many as we can.  I hope it blesses you all and He shows you a new aspect to Jesus's redemptive work on the Cross through it. 

As I prepared to speak, it was a little more difficult than I thought it would be!  I've been writing so much lately, that I found it more of a challenge to say out loud some of these thoughts and truths than I anticipated.  Which is funny, since I have always thought of myself as a speaker, not at writer.  After all, I've been trained in Broadcasting!  But in our weaknesses, God's power is perfected.  And I've been hearing just how powerful God has become through my writing.  To Him be the glory.  It felt good to speak again too, but it just surprised me how different it is than writing.  Anyway, here it is:



Hello, I’m Heidi Becker. Many of you know me and the journey my family has been on in the last year. But if not, last January, 2016, we found out my then 20 month old son Drew had cancer. And that it was widespread, stage 4. We went through 9 months of intense treatment that included 6 chemo cycles, numerous surgeries, 2 bone marrow transplants, 12 radiation treatments, and just when we thought we had the cancer beat, it came back. We entered into a clinical trial and did two rounds in November and December, but it was unsuccessful. The cancer had spread further during that time, and reluctantly felt God telling us that we didn’t have much time with him on Earth. So we enjoyed Christmas together and went on a wonderful Make a Wish trip to Disney World in January. And it was 10 days after we came home that he died, on January 19th of this year. A little over 2 months shy of his 3rd birthday.

Easter is the cornerstone of our faith. Growing up in church, it is a story that I’ve always known was significant, but it has really reached me in new, deeper ways last year and now this one. Since we are in the middle of Passion week, I thought I’d share during the Opening this morning what I’ve seen differently in the Easter story and what I’ve felt in a more profound way through our journey with Drew.

 Starting with Palm Sunday, which we read about in our study of Matthew a few weeks ago. We can picture the scene--Jesus riding on the donkey, coats being thrown down in front of him, palm branches waving, and joyful praises being shouted.  And yet, Jesus wept.  He was so upset by what he knew the people would face in the coming destruction of Jerusalem, that he was deeply grieved. It was probably even worse that His people were joyful, as he knew the suffering they'd experience. It seems out of place that Jesus would be crying during such a celebration. But reading this story again I can see myself in similar circumstances last summer, and understand the sorrow. Bone marrow transplants are awful. They give you chemo strong enough to wipe out your bone marrow, and then give you the transplant of stem cells to grow it back. The process takes a month, and it is ugly. Vomitting, diarrhea, mouth sores, fevers, bone pain, blood transfusions… Knowing what laid ahead of Drew last summer, I too wept for him before each of those transplants. At the time, he was so happy, so full of life, it seemed out of place that I was a mess when he was so full of joy. But his joy only made it worse. He didn’t even know what lay ahead of him, and I did. As a mother, it broke my heart, but we knew it needed to be done.  But that didn’t make it easier in the least. I got a glimpse of how Jesus felt as he came into Jerusalem last summer. Jesus was broken by what he knew lay ahead for His people, and they clueless….

Then later in the Holy week, I found myself relating to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane last December. The distress Jesus felt as He prayed, pleaded for His Father to change the plan, spare Him the suffering He knew was about to endure. He prayed so honestly, so passionately. He really didn’t want to do it, “Father if there is any other way…” Praying all night, on his knees. Through the Bible you can feel the unrest in Jesus, and unfortunately now I’ve felt a similarly overwhelming distress. As we saw the scans of the returned cancer, and heard the doctor’s dire warnings, we prayed, on our knees, and I know many of you did too, “Please God, if there is any other way!!” But like Jesus, I felt the Father’s resolve. And it took all the faith I had to follow in Jesus’s example and finish the pleas with, “thy will be done”, to trust Him with my baby’s life.   The next line in Luke’s gospel, “Now an angel from heaven appeared to Him, strengthening him”,  I had missed somehow. But this year, as I went over this scene because I felt as if I was in it myself, God pointed it out to me. And I had hope.  It shows that God gives us the tools we need when we chose to obey Him. And I believe he sent angels to strengthen me too, just when I needed it, the week I watched Drew be born into eternity.

Then in the story, as Good Friday dawns, Jesus was turned over to the authorities, was sentenced, and the beatings began. I have felt for Mary, Jesus's mother, so much more this year.  Who watched as her baby was mocked, disrespected, beaten, and crucified. The Bible tells us she was with him, watching, weeping.  How completely awful that must have been.  As I watched the suffering my son endured, knowing there really wasn’t anything I could do, I felt the most helpless and broken I have ever felt.   It hurts in a way that is worse than physical, it truly grieves your heart. I wished with every fiber of my being that I could have taken the pain from him, but I couldn't.  And Mary, who knew Who her Son was, must have felt those feelings greatly multiplied. Oh, how often I have looked to her over the last year. To try to handle things with the Grace that the Bible tells us she was full of and exhibited. One day, I will enjoy talking with her.

As Good Friday continues, as Jesus suffered and died, feeling the weight of all of our sins, physical pain as well as emotional, I note that he wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t enjoying it. The Bible says that he cried out to God, “Why have you forsaken me?”. He felt angry.  He felt lonely and abandoned. He knew he wasn’t, He knew why He had to suffer, but that didn’t mean He didn’t feel that way anyway.  Last year as we all endured great hardships, this let me know it was okay to be upset during those times.  To not feel bad that during hard days, I wasn't joyful.  And as I am suffering now, as I feel great emotional pain, great longing for my Drew, I again can be upset.  I can cry. I can call out to God. Because Jesus did... But then what did Jesus do? He obeyed anyway. He did not quit. He finished it. And now is a time when I might not be smiling everyday, but I will finish it. I will obey, because Jesus did, for me.

And then in the story, “He bowed His head, and gave up His spirit”. Luke tells us He said, “Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit” before he breathed his last. Matthew describes the moment Jesus died as Him, “yielded up His spirit”. Have you ever watched anyone take their last breath? I know some of you have, and now I have too. You truly can see their spirit set free. It is a moment that time stands still. We know that to be true from our own experiences, and how much more so do you think that moment was when Jesus breathed his last? We read that there was darkness for 3 hours on Earth. It truly was a powerful event, when time stood still, for all who were involved. Now more than ever, I can picture that scene. And the heartache the Father felt watching it. Missing Him, feeling the loss of His Son. This Easter I understand that pain. And I am in awe, that He chose to do that, for ME. And for each one of you. What amazing love He has for us.

But, oh thank God, that is not the end of the story, there is a happy ending! On the third day, Jesus arises victorious from the grave! Hallelujah! He is alive, and therefore we all have hope! Death no more has any power over us. We are FREE. Last year at Easter I realized that meant we didn’t have to be afraid of death, because Jesus won. We didn’t have to spend the year paralyzed by the fear of losing Drew, and could truly enjoy each day we had with him. The power of the Cross gave us one of the best years of my life, even though it was also one of my worst. And this year I’m realizing that the resurrection means that we are free from death's power again.  I don’t have to worry about Drew, to wonder if he’s okay. Jesus is alive, and so my Drew is too, in Paradise, where I will someday join them. And so are all of your loved ones. We are all free to live in spite of death. We can certainly grieve, the Bible tells us several times that Jesus did. But Paul tells us to “not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.” Amen.

The resurrection of Jesus Christ is the reason we can have joy. As one of my favorite hymns goes, “no guilt in life or fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me”.  It is the reason that each of us can persevere through whatever trials and struggles we face. And we all face them. Mine has been pretty dramatic, pretty public. But so many have just as great of struggles as we have. Have felt pain as deep as mine. I pray that this Easter season you can learn from the Easter story too. How to pray like Jesus. To be honest and ask God for help in your time of need. But to choose to obey, even if you don’t get the answer you want. I pray that even as we are suffering, and feel broken, that we can endure and finish it. And by the power of the Cross we will win whatever we are fighting against, no matter what. Because we’ve already won, because Jesus has already won. I hope that can empower you from this Easter forward. We have nothing to lose, because even death canot scare us. So we can smile. We can choose joy. We can accomplish much.  Thank you, and Happy Easter.

Have a blessed Easter everyone.  Here are the kids from Drew's last Easter on earth.  I am so happy for him to experience the celebration on Resurrection Sunday in Heaven!  Really guys, he will actually be with Jesus as the angels sing His praises this weekend.  What a sight that must be, and what else could I ask for my brave little boy.  Maybe they can even hear all of our songs of praises too?  I'll sing extra loud on Sunday, just so Drewy can hear me!

Seasons Changing

The spring is starting to come.  The snow is gone.  The grass is starting to become green again.  Josh noted that the trees are even starting to have buds.  It's an exciting time as we experience our first few warm days with the sunshine bringing everything back to life.  And as the seasons begin to change, we can continue to feel ourselves seeing the first signs of our Spring as well.  As I've been writing about, our hard winter of grief has begun to ease up. Some days we too can feel the sunshine and watch as things start to grow again.  Routines taking shape, lose ends being tied up.  Reluctantly, since we very much still wish Drew was a part of it physically, our life is beginning to feel "normal" again.  Our new normal I guess.  It's bitter sweet.  It seems nothing should continue on if Drew can't.  I'm scared that once the season changes, we are further away from our time we had with him.  The last fresh air he breathed and breeze he felt on his skin was a cold day in January.  It's a reminder that the world moves on, time passes, but a part of us will always be back with him in January.  But I know that each day we make it through also brings us a day closer to being reunited with him again.  That is what makes it okay, most days.

At the same time, it feels so great to experience joy again.  Like when you finally feel normal after you've been sick. To laugh and joke again.  To look at pictures of the Disney trip and for the first time feel better after word, instead of sad.  It's nice to begin to feel comfortable again, in our own house without him, and enjoying things we used to all do together.  But then just like the seasons, there can still be a cold snap.  You think Spring has come, but Mother Nature says not-so-fast.  Like Drew's birthday week.  Or when a sweet photo comes up of my two babies, who will never be together again in this life. Yet, you can handle a few cold days here and there, because now you know it won't last long.  We are unfortunately practiced in coping with the sadness.  In enduring the heartache these reminders bring.

And after the snow melts in the Spring, it reveals the mess left from fall and winter.  There is a lot of work to do picking up sticks, raking leaves, putting outside play things back out, and taking down Christmas lights.  I've been feeling a little overwhelmed this week, by the Spring cleanup. Now that we are settling back in and have the time, I'm seeing how much we need to straighten out from a year of not doing much more than the bare minimums.  Organizing and deep cleaning around the house and cars, getting back into shape, and even re-establishing schedules and boundaries with Molly. 

I'm seeing how hard it is to reclaim ground once the lines have been relaxed with a child.  And I know it's just the way it is.  Our schedule was so crazy, it was hard to be consistant.  She had different people with her throughout the whole last year.  And honestly, towards the end, our parenting changed.  We stopped thinking long term, stopped thinking about making sure Drew was learning lessons he'd need when he grew up, because we knew he wasn't going to.  And that meant Molly felt the shift too for a time.  But now that we are changing from a season of survival mode, as the fog of sadness is lifting, it's time to get back to work.  Time to get back to life.  And to parent well is hard.  If it was easy, I'd know I wasn't doing it right.  Setting boundaries, being consisant, following through with consequences, all require a lot of focus.  And when you're gaining strength again after a time of great weakness, it has left me tired.  But Molly is great.  She's probably more patient with me than I am with her.  Along with the tightening up of control, I've been trying to be really pouring on the love too.  Making sure we have an hour each afternoon where we do something together.  I'm getting very good at Barbies and Legos!  So pray for Molly and for us.  For strength and for patience, love, and wisdom.

Also just getting back to my regular work at home leaves me more tired than I expect some days.  Now that the food has stopped coming, and my freezer is almost empty, I am getting back to meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking.  Which I like!  Just another thing I'm not used to anymore. And as we've been home now together consistently, our laundry and cleaning routines are taking shape.  I've got Warrior Wagon tasks to do, getting everything organized and set up.  My training runs for the half marathon I'm doing Memorial Day have ramped up too.  I guess I probably am no busier than any other Stay at Home mom.  But grieving takes a lot of energy on top of it.  I'm making it, and I can do it with strength from Above, but as an update on how I'm doing, I'd say I'm tired most days!

So we are still here.  Still making progress, but it is hard some days.  In different ways than it was hard before.  Yet I am grateful for making through each day, for each phase of this journey we've left behind us.  And as my daily life seems overwhelming sometimes, I feel God reminding me how important the daily disciplines are.  Purposefully being thankful.  Setting aside time each day for Him--to pray, to read, and to reflect.  Choosing to push thoughts aside that aren't helpful, that won't lead you to a better place.  Making sure that when the longing comes, when I feel almost desperate for my Drew, to hear his voice or feel his weight on my hip, that I turn to God for comfort.  Pray that I continue to do that!

Last week I didn't have to search too hard for things that I was grateful for.  My birthday was a wonderful day, okay, week.  Thank you to all that helped me celebrate here in Austin!  I felt very loved.  And then over the weekend, it was wonderful to be with my family as the celebration continued.  After all, it's kind of required that you celebrate together if you're a twin!

A Special Bond

Friday dawned and I was relieved that we almost made it to Drew's birthday.  As I said on Thursday's post, I really felt ready.  Cried out, said all there was to say, and was looking forward to the weekend we had planned.  So after Josh got home from work Friday, we left for the hotel.  I said Molly was so excited, but I guess it's kind of special for anyone to stay at a hotel if you don't do it all that often.  And I think I was excited for the get away.  Molly squealed with delight as she went around the hotel room, noticing all the details, then laid on her bed, "Hey, I thought I got a princess bed!?", what?  Oh, she thought a Queen bed was going to be Princess-y.  Funny how slang confuses kids!

We swam at the pool, ate at Subway (one of Drew's favorites-no doubt because they have great pickles ;)  ), and all slept well. 

Then we got up and ate breakfast there, and headed out to the Mall of America.  The excitement on Molly's face as we walked in was worth it all.  And I know Drew would have been just as thrilled, and loved to see his hero, his big sister, so happy.

We were glad we got there early, as people had told us it gets busy quickly.  But we never had to wait in lines for too long.  There was a big range of levels of scary-ness for rides, and Molly kind of worked her way up.  The swings were fun, and we found a Blue's Clues ride too, a show Drew found on his tablet somehow and would watch a lot.  Molly said we had to do that one, for Drew!

It was hard not to think of Disney world, and the fun we all had together with Drew.  It truly was a magical place, where we all forgot about our problems and just enjoyed each other.  Saturday felt like that, and I'm so glad that we decided to go.  But at the same time, it just reminded me of what has changed.  That he really isn't there to even out our numbers for the two person rides, or to get excited with Molly.  It hurt to take these pictures of just the three of us on rides with the selfie skills I perfected in Disney with the four of us, but I'm glad we did it.

It was lovely to come back and read through all the txts, messages, posts, emails, and even cards in the mail.  Thank you all!!  The quantity of people that care and love Drew, some that have never even met him, continues to blow me away.  I'm sure it made his birthday even more special in Heaven to see all the love for him here on earth still.

We put a candle in oreo ice cream for dessert (he liked Oreos too), and said Molly could blow it out.  We sang to Drew, and Molly really folded her hands like this at the end, and then blew it out.  She immediately said, "You know what I wished for?  That Drew could be with us everyday, even if he's in Heaven."  Oh, if I couldn't get my first wish of having him back, that would be my second Miss Molly!

Friday before we left as I was running, I was thinking about birthdays.  Why did this hit me so much harder than I expected?  I remembered that it was after I had Molly that I realized how much of a significant day birthdays are in a mother's life.  It's really an anniversary to Moms for all the work they did, I used to say!  But more seriously, I think it goes beyond that. Its a day that you can just feel is profound, that you are so intimately involved in a real miracle--the miracle of life.  Hearing that first cry, it takes your breath away, it is utterly amazing to be a part of that moment.  It really creates a bond that is shared between mother and baby.  You two did it together.  Sure, there are doctors and nurses, and Dads and coaches, but ultimately it's up to you and that baby to make it happen.  It's a journey, an adventure, hard work, that bonds the two of you forever.  Like a special secret that only the two of you share.  I'm seeing that that secret, that bond, is stronger than death, it goes beyond this world, and really is forever.  And when your child is gone, you are alone on the two of you's day.  You had this special thing with someone else, and they no longer are here to share it with you. Maybe that is why I hear from other bereaved mothers that birthdays are always hard.

Thinking about that significant day, that miracle that we did together, only re opened the wound of watching him go back to God.  Another profound day, that takes your breath away, accept this time no first cry was heard, only a final breath.  A chest that stopped rising, a heart that stopped beating.  But it was still a special day nonetheless. A day that I will carry with me forever, something we shared again.  His Dad and me both were there with him, just like his first day.  And even though there was little rejoicing here on Earth, I know there was a big celebration in Heaven, welcoming a brave soldier Home.

The pain that a mother feels on the day they give birth is very real, and excruciating.  But it is the only way that mother and baby can be separated. Baby is fully dependent on Mother until that day when they separate, and much pain is involved.  But it's time for the baby to be out, on his own, to move on from the womb.  I guess it shouldn't surprise me that there is as much pain involved as Drew and I are separated physically again.  Just like when he was born, it was time for him to move on, to be on his own, and the process to let go is a painful one.  Just like everyone has different birth stories, all of us who have lost a child have different grieving stories, unique timelines and ways we deal with the separation.  But eventually, I believe it is possible to be okay.  Our bodies adjust to not having a baby inside us, and our hearts will adjust to not having our babies beside us.   But we will never be the same.  Just like our bodies carry the scars, stretch marks, and saggy skin, our hearts too will bear the scars from this experience, and will never be the same.  They will still be able to function, but are left different from before.

Once God helped me articulate this connection between Drew and I on his birthday, I felt better.  I understood it.  It made sense to me, and I somewhat forgave myself for all the emotion I had last week.  It is terribly sad, and Jesus wept over the loss of friends, it's okay to be upset over this devastating loss.  And as he revealed to me why it hurts so much, just like separating us in the first place, that made sense too.  And I'm filled with hope again that I won't always feel like this.  Just like my body and emotions recovered from giving birth to Drew, I'll recover from letting him go.  I won't be the same person, and I shouldn't be, but I will be functioning again.  And now with a better perspective on life, a tougher will to take on whatever is thrown my way, because I've seen what I am capable of with the strength from His Spirit.  If we can withstand this, through the power of God, we can withstand just about anything.

My birthday now is Wednesday, April 5th.  I always make sure I call my mom since I've become a mother, and I certainly do that this year.  I'm kind of in to birthdays, I get pretty excited.  Three years ago, I was kind of miffed that Drew was born on my week, my month!  You see I'm a twin, so I feel like I've shared my birthday enough already!  He easily could have been born in March, but Noooooo, he had to sneak into my month!  But now I'm grateful.  One more thing we share, me and my Drew.  It may make this week harder, but I will be thankful that I could be a part of giving Drew life, and will cherish the special bond we have because of it.  Even if it does overshadow MY day a little :)