We've been in our new home in Illinois for just over a month now. As we Becker's tend to do, we haven't taken anything very slow. Molly now has been in school for three weeks? In the middle of the 4th. And Josh has been successfully making the commute every day in towards the city at his new job. We've gotten all our things unpacked, and even have some rooms all set up--even got things hanging on the walls now!
Molly got the new bed she was promised--a Queen size--that she's super pumped about. (she changed her mind from bunk beds to a "big" bed) We still have some furniture being delivered after Thanksgiving on the main level, but my hope is we'll be done with the "setting up house" part soon after.
All this activity has kept us busy! And in between, we've tried to get out and see our new home before winter sets in. One weekend we took the train into the city and saw all the touristy Chicago sights! Molly made it pretty far on foot--we were impressed.
But as the adrenaline starts to wear off, as we are getting settled in and the excitement of the last 6 weeks dies down, reality is settling in too. We are beginning to see our new normal take shape, and with it comes the things that unfortunately are a part of "normal", at least in our lives. The now-familiar grief that will always be with us, is setting up shop too. In some familiar ways, but also through the new.
Holidays or anniversaries are one of those "familiar" ways. I've come to expect the hard feelings to be more intense during important days. But the first holiday here in Illinois--Halloween-- kind of snuck up on me. We had a lot of fun, but as usual in this post-Drew life, sadness and missing came along too and I had my first bout of grief here.
Halloween was tough for me last year as I relived the intense feelings that hit us the year before about this time. It was when we received the terminal prognosis following a bad scan--something I wish no parent ever had to hear concerning their child. It was a hard holiday for me as those dark feelings came back to haunt me, for an appropriate way to put it.
This year though, I had all that from the past on my mind again, but also felt a more intense regret over Molly's present too. We had several fun events to check out in our new home here--swimming with pumpkins, a Halloween tree and light show to see, and big box stores that had festive activities.
She had a blast, and really enjoyed all the fun new activities. But, oh...my heart just hated she was doing it all alone. That she didn't have her brother to look to with excited eyes as the tree light up, or to splash around with in the pool with the pumpkins. I watched her face as she cleaned out her pumpkin and couldn't help but remember when she had a sibling, another kid, to share the uncertainty at the feeling of the goopy insides like she did just two years earlier...(don't mind the editing--Molly was in an underwear-only kick)
It just killed me to see her alone, with no other kid to share in the excitement and joy. It know it's so much better to experience these moments with another kid, than to be with only adults (however eager we try to be). This year, we not only missed Drew's presence but were painfully aware of his absence too.
Molly didn't say a word though, bless her heart. Never out loud did she admit it would be more fun with Drew here. I wonder if she felt it. Okay, I assume she had to have felt it. What a strong, brave girl I have. She will do great things. I know, because she already is doing such big things at the tender age of six, despite all that she's been through. The things she's seen and withstood, and yet, she keeps moving forward. Choosing joy, instead of self pity. It makes me cry but also fills me with so much pride of my baby girl.
A couple days before Halloween, after she had already done all these things alone already, I was bracing myself to watch her trick or treat by herself. I prayed I could be as strong as her and enjoy the evening. And then, our new friends asked us to trick or treat with them around the neighborhood. What a welcome offer! God gives us only what we can handle, and a break just when we need it! We had an awesome Halloween, and Molly didn't have to trick or treat alone after all.
The grief is settling in, filtering back into, the everyday too. With new furniture arriving, our old ones are being placed out on the curb. It was fun to go shopping for a new couch, a dining room table, ect., but to see the old ones that are being replaced out there on the curb, has been harder than I thought.
These pieces were the settings for so many of our memories with Drew, and we're just discarding them with the trash? Now we're in a whole new home, with almost all new furniture. Is it just out with the old, in with the new? How have we just moved on in not even two years? How will I remember him when so much has changed? The questions trouble my heart, even if my mind knows better.
I got some answers to some of these questions though, when I was outside doing some yard work last week. It was forecasted to snow the next day here, so there was a feeling of urgency to get the leaves picked up while it was still fairly warm. It reminded me of two years ago...
It was an unusually warm November that year, my last with Drew. Again, we had just been told he would probably not make it. Molly was in school, and Drew and I were outside doing yard clean up and putting up some Christmas lights while it was so warm. I remember that afternoon, the smell of the fall air and the sound of Drew playing so well while I worked. He had the toys and my attention all to himself and was enjoying "helping" me with the lights. It struck me just how he was a happy little two year old boy without a care in the world while so much was going on.
I could hardly watch, dreading what would "probably" happen to him next, the injustice and tragdy of it all. But I did, with help from Above, and I felt an unexplainable peace. It all was going so well that I just kept putting on lights! I strung lights around almost every bush in our front yard while he played.
Later when Josh was home from work we all went on a walk--each kid in a stroller--like was our routine almost every nice afternoon at that time. We had plugged in the lights to a timer to make sure it all was wired right, and set it so they'd be on when we got back. As we got closer we all were anticipating seeing it (some showed their excitement more than others 😉)...and then we turned the corner! It looked a little Grizwold-y, with mismatched types of lights and un-coordinating colors, but it dazzled the kids. And they got out and stood there in awe.
As I both smiled and cried while I raked my front lawn of our new home in Illinois last week thinking about that afternoon/evening two years ago back in Austin--it donned on me, or the Sprit showed me. I could almost hear, "See? you don't have to have a house, or a certain couch to remember Drew by. How silly to believe that!" The memories I have really will be with me and bring him to life in my heart whenever I want, no matter where life takes me. What a relief and comfort!
And it really is true. I had another example a few days later. It was time for a car wash. As Molly and I pulled in and the foam started collecting on our windshield--Molly said out loud what we both were thinking about. "Remember how much Drew hated car washes?" Yes, I was thinking about that too Molly. I was remembering how he'd say he wanted to, agree with Molly's chants to go through the car wash, then he'd legit freak out inside. He'd really be terrified, yet seemed to forget (or enjoyed the thrill) every time when he'd ask to do it again. It became a thing that all of us teased him about.
Josh used to send us pictures at the hospital with the instruction to "show Drew" what he was up to at home--going through the car wash:
...and Drew's face reacted on the other end. Much like this:
So as our new normal falls into place, it includes the things that are uniquely normal to our family. So much has changed, but much remains the same. On holidays and in the everyday, we miss our Drew. And despite all the changes, I am rest assured. We aren't forgetting Drew. The grief, which is such a constant, IS us remember him. Through and in our actions or events, his memory will be in our hearts forever. They aren't tied to a place or a piece of furniture, but is kept safe and resurfaces just when we need them. And God is faithful through it all.
The snow did fall the next day here in Chicagoland last week, and the temperatures still haven't recovered. It looks like another season is beginning, just like in the Becker family...
