Drew Turning 2

Who would have guessed where we would be in life when Drew turned two.  It was a hospital week a year ago.  I'm not even sure why, I could look it up.  It was between chemo cycles, but we were trying to resolve a line infection I think.  My Aunt was staying with him.  I've felt bad that I wasn't with him the entire day.  That someone else watched him go to bed a one year old and wake up a two year old.  But it was following a lot of time in the hospital.  Like, 52 days with only a 4 day break in the middle.  So if we had someone willing to stay with him, we took the break.  And Drew didn't mind.  He seemed to enjoy someone new with him. 

Anyway, I wanted to have a party, so I talked to Child Life and reserved a conference room.  The moms and I planned the food and between us we had a walking taco party!  We invited the staff to join both of our families.  Individual bags of Doritos, a Crock pot full of taco meat, and bulk amounts of tomatoes, lettuce, sour cream and salsa made for a great party.  And cupcakes!  It was a fun time, Drew loved the attention and the excitement. 

Oh that shiny bald head. If I try hard enough, I can feel the smoothness.  Smell the almost newborn head smell.  Feel it against my chin like I did as I rocked him in the chair before bed.  I remember thinking how much these pictures would stand out.  Wondering if we'd even recognize him years from then when we looked back since he was going to look so different with hair again and without the feeding tube.  I don't think I really thought that it might be his last birthday with us.  The thought had crossed my mind, but I rejected it.  It was still pretty early on in our journey, things were going so well, I think we all didn't question whether he'd celebrate with us the next year, or at least no one said it out loud. 

We'd been working on him saying how old he was when asked.  "Happy Birthday Drew!" and he'd say, "I'm TWO" and for some reason hold his finger up to his nose.  We still aren't sure why.  My theory was that somehow he was thinking about his "tube" when we told him he was going to be "two".  Who knows, but he'd tell everyone, "I'm two" with his finger beside his nose.  Weird.

I remember thinking it was kind of sad he didn't have friends at his party.  But now I realize, just like those last days he was here, his friends were there--the staff.  His favorite nurses, the housekeeper, Child Life specialists, and the doctors--residents through consultants.  It was a party I'm told some will never forget.  And at that point we had some people following our story online as well.  He had people celebrating him that we didn't even know!  He surely was loved, as much as any little boy is loved. 

It's easy to look at the circumstances and say it was a pretty sad birthday, but what is a birthday all about?  Celebrating one's birth, rejoicing in another year of life.  We did that.  Would we have done anything different if we knew it was going to be his last birthday?  Not really I guess.  The pictures show the joy he had that day, and I'm not sure we could have done it any better.

Maybe this is another example of how you really can chose to make the best of wherever you are.  A year ago, we were upset we couldn't have him home.  But once we accepted that we couldn't, we made plans to celebrate anyway,  despite, or maybe IN spite of, our situation.   That attitude kind of turned into our motto last year. And the reason we could say goodbye with no regrets.  Why we can say that we didn't allow cancer take anything from us.  We may have had to do life differently than we wanted to last year, but we continued to live.  We may have had to adjust our plans, but we didn't cancel them.  It may not have been the way we wanted to celebrate his birthday, but we celebrated anyway.  And if you look at these pictures, couldn't the setting be anywhere?  At a bounce place, in a bowling alley, in our home...the same little brother enjoying bugging his sister, the same songs sung, the same family celebrating life together:

God's purpose for all the treatment last year obviously wasn't to cure him.  We thought it was, but it must not have been.  Because God doesn't make mistakes, He doesn't lose.  No, He had a different agenda than we did.  One that I know has only begun to be realized.  Each day Drew was with us was for a reason, and maybe the day of this make shift birthday party was to show that it is possible to still live life during the worst circumstances. Through His strength and wisdom, you can choose joy.

Its no secret by now that this week I've been struggling.  Struggling to be thankful and choose joy.  But I guess with enough encouraging from others, I'm cutting myself some slack.  Not being so hard on myself during this week leading up to what should have been my son's third birthday.  After all, it's not even been three months since he died.  Some days I still can't believe this all really happened to us.  That that stubborn ear infection was really Stage 4 cancer.  I can't believe all the treatment he, and we in turn, endured. Can't believe all the horrors that I saw.  And that he died from it, he actually died.  I really had a son, and now he's gone.  All in less than a year's time.   But these pictures, and all of them from last year, prove it is possible to chose joy instead of worry, fear, frustration, anger or despair.  That God really can carry you through anything.  And it gives me hope that we can carry on from here.  We are scarred, our hearts are broken, and we may have tears streaming down our faces, but we can still choose to go on, in spite of cancer.  To live life, embrace the good that is still in the world.  And live in anticipation of the day we all can be together again. 

The Bible tells us that "the day of one's death is better than the day of one's birth" (Ecclesiastes 7:1).  I'll remember that as I think of the joy we had on that day 3 years ago, and know that January 19th was so much better of a day in Drew's life.  We may not believe that yet, but someday we'll know it to be true.  When we each experience that great celebration as our life ends on this earth and we are born into eternity.  As we enter through those gates of Heaven, leaving this world behind, taking in the full glory of God, we will understand that verse.  And no doubt be greeted by the happiest little boy, with wide open arms!

I feel like I'm getting to the point where I've cried enough.  I've gotten it out, and I'm ready to just celebrate him, all that he was, that he IS, and all that is still happening on this earth because of him.  Through our actions, in our hearts, and in the hearts of all of you who knew him.  Our plans for the weekend are to be together as our little family.  Stay at a hotel tomorrow night, swim at the pool, and then on Saturday, his birthday, go to the Mall of America and use 3 of the 4 amusement park passes we've had since last fall.  Drew would have loved those plans.  And we'll do what birthdays are for--celebrating the life of who's birthday it is.  Celebrate the time we had with Drew.  The joy he brought to our lives.  The memories we will always have with us of the not quite 3 years we were lucky enough to have him.  He was a gift, not only to us I'm learning, but to everyone.  We wish we'd had him for longer, but we'll treasure the time we had, and thank God for it.

I would love for anyone who has an "I wear Gold for Drew" shirt to wear it on Saturday, or if you don't have one, to celebrate him in your own way.  I'd love to pictures, upload them in the comments, tag me in them on facebook, txt/email them to me, because it really helps to see the support.  And now we know that Drew can see it all too.  He can see how many people are glad that he was born 3 years ago, and are remembering him since he went back to be with God.

A Golden Birthday

Golden birthdays. Another thing I think by God's design Drew got to experience.  Since he only got two birthdays, I'm thankful he got that special one too.  I remember thinking it was too bad that it wasn't when he was older and could have knew what was going on.  Now I'm just grateful he was alive for it.  I'm kind of a nut about birthdays.  Josh thinks I'm a little over the top--but its the one day that is all about YOU!  So I've done my best to make the kids' day special too.

We woke Drew up with a balloon.  Kids love balloons!  I think Molly was more excited than he was, but Drew being Drew, was just excited if everyone else was!

I love that he's in that sleep sack still.  I am a big believer in swaddling, and at 1 year old I still had him in something.  We used to call it his "bag".   And look at him eating.  I know it's nothing unusual.  But I spent the whole last year of his life not seeing him ever really eat.  At the beginning of treatment he would "recreationally eat" I called it.  French fries and cookies and pickles.  But since he probably felt full with the feeding tube, he didn't need to eat.  But I do remember him sitting in that high chair.  Taking down eggs, toast, a banana, and strawberries all at breakfast.  My kids are good eaters!  I remember having to adjust my cooking to add more servings. In a way I'm glad to not have to adjust back now.  I mean I did at one point, and that was hard, but its not a 3 times a day reminder that I'm not feeding one of my kids because one's not here. 

Then we met his "friends" at McDonald's for lunch.  Okay it probably was mostly my friends and their kids, but for a 1 year old, I think that's okay.  Again, he definitely had no idea what was going on, but loved every minute of it!

Then that evening we did our own gifts to him, and I baked him a Golden birthday cake.

I love the progression of him eating it here.  He never did like to get his hands dirty, we had to encourage him to finger pain and he'd want to clean his hands off right away. 

I'm so glad to have these pictures.  To look back and remember life before cancer.  Sometimes I forget there even was such a time.  When I had two little ducklings, one in each hand, going to the grocery store, or Walmart, or the park, and we didn't have a care in the world.  Just dreaming about the future, about what we would do together as they got older...

On second thought, I didn't act like I didn't have a care in the world.  If someone had an ear infection, or wasn't napping well anymore, or had trouble listening, I was a mess.  I couldn't wait to get done with the baby years, and be able to actually DO stuff again.  I hate that I didn't enjoy every day I had with him.  That I took those two years for granted when he was a healthy, curious, and energetic little toddler.  That I didn't take him to the park whenever he asked.  Sit with him a little longer before putting him to bed.  Let him sleep on me instead of always laying him down for a nap.  It's easy to look back and say I was carefree, that the grass was greener before cancer. 

But the truth is, there were moments last year with cancer that I was happier, experienced greater joy, than I did before it.  I did start taking him to the park on nice days.  I did let him watch the tree being cut down across the street instead of napping, or push that super annoying little cart at HyVee.  I held him and was more patient with him and Molly both.  Why does it take crisis to realize what's important?  Why do we have to experience the bad before we appreciate the good?  It would serve everyone well if we'd somehow get this on our own, not have to learn it the hard way.

This is the good I know has come through Drew.  Not just myself, but so many in my life have grown in our faith, gained a greater perspective, and increased our joy in life.  Its just too bad that it had to cost us so much.  That it was at the expense of this little sweet boy's life.  That is why I feel I must never lose this new way to live.  Never forget to look for things to be thankful, to live life to the fullest, and to chose joy even in tough circumstances.  If I could do those things while I watched my two year old son fight one of the most aggressive cancers and ultimately take his last breath, I surely can do those things through anything that comes next in my life.  I pray that I can have the wisdom and self discipline to do so!

This is also why it's impossible for me to act like he never existed.   Since it's because he existed that I am the Heidi Becker I am today. He's so much a part of who we are now, of why we are the way we are, that every day is testament to the life he lived.  I think that's what I'm afraid of as we start to live our lives again.  That it'll seem like we've forgotten him.  I just need to remind myself of all of this, and know that he will never be forgotten because he lives on in us and through us.  And then there will come the day when I get to see my baby boy again.  Because he really isn't gone at all.  He's just somewhere else.  A much better somewhere else.  Where he's running and playing and discovering and laughing without any of the bad stuff.  What a glorious day it'll be when I get to be with him again.  I'll go to the park with you everyday Drewy!

Drew's Birth Day...

April 1st, 2014.  The day Drew was born. It was his due date, only 15% of babies are actually born on their due date.  Also April Fool's day.  He was meant to be special.  Going to bed the night before I think I knew he was coming.  After doing it once before, I could feel the changes, instead of "coming soon", it felt imminent.  At 5:30AM my water broke, and we made the call to have a good friend's husband come over to stay with Molly until my family could get here (that family had just had a newborn themselves!), and we left for the hospital.  We stopped at the gas station first for Josh to get snacks and a pop (insert eye roll).  And really things didn't get going very fast until late morning.  I asked for the epidural, again, having done this before!  I think Pitocin was started too, sometime later.   My family was in Austin by lunch time with Molly and we gave them our Culver's order for when I was done.  Only 20 minutes of pushing, and at 1:38PM and we had a son. 

He was 8lbs, and 22 inches long, and looked just like his dad.  His bottom lip was red, his jaw was tucked in like he had an overbite already.  After a day or two it had moved forward and his lip was fine.  The theory was he was sucking on his bottom lip in the womb.  I remember being nervous about it though, how silly.  We named him Drew.  We'd debated about officially naming him Andrew, but calling him Drew.  We decided in the end that if we wanted a Drew, we should just name him Drew!  Which meant "Warrior".  Something I think I researched, but didn't think much about.  It was perfect, just like him.

 

   

I look at these pictures of that sweet baby boy, only 1 day old.  How much we loved him, how many hopes and dreams we had for him.  None included cancer.  Or dying before his 3rd birthday.  Who knows, was the cancer already there on that day?  It very well may have been. Only a few cells maybe, stage one (Neuroblastoma has been found even in utero). We didn't even know we were on borrowed time.  His clock was already ticking away.  What would I have done differently if I would have known?  Held him more.  Not been annoyed at getting up with him at night. Not wished the little years away, because I'd give almost anything to have them back.

All this innocent baby would have to endure.  Knowing now what that little baby had ahead of him, I feel almost sick.  I'll never forget the night of that first antibody infusion in November when he was just beside himself.  Moaning and crying and wriggling in pain. I sang in his ear, rubbed his back, and held him so close, hoping somehow that I could transfer the pain to my own body somehow.  After we got the pain under control for him, I got up and realized how sweaty I had gotten and how tense my muscles were from the experience.  How much worse did my baby feel, who was the one experiencing the pain??  Oh how I wished with all my heart I could have taken that pain for him....And that's just one story.  Chemo sick, Cdiff, transplants, random IV infiltrations that swelled his arm so bad his hand was blue and his skin blistered...why did God bring this perfect baby into the world just to suffer?  He was so full of joy and life, why did he get put through so much?  He didn't deserve it, any of it.  He experienced the worst the world can give, without so much of the good.





It has taken me half the day to finish this.  To get past these thoughts and feelings.  Sift through the lies and accusations and gain God's strength to choose to see past this ugliness.  As I sit here and cry, God reminds me what the truth really is.  All the "why's" He has shown me, and gives me hope of more "why's" that I'll learn.  He reminds me how his suffering was not in vain and all the good that was, and still is, begin accomplished through my Drew.  How great a reward He has given to Drew, and how much honor and glory greeted him when he entered through the gates of Heaven sixty seven days ago. 

I am corrected that he didn't only know suffering.  In fact it seemed like he didn't know it at all, it'd sneak up on him, take him by surprise, and when it was over he'd shake it off and forget about it.  But what he did know was joy and love.  So much joy and love that he didn't only know, but seemed to embody.  Despite these situations and circumstances I talked about above, he did see the beauty in the world.  He loved and trusted like he'd never been hurt.  Taught us all what it means to chose joy even when our circumstances beg us to stay in misery.

All the dreams that died with him on January 19th were just that--dreams.  What I thought I had to look forward to, not what I actually did.  God knew the number of days Drew would live, Psalm 139:16 "in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them". We all will suffer in this life to some extent.  And we all will die.  Like we explain to Molly, we all have a purpose in our lives, a job that God gives us to do.  When we have finished with our work, we go back to our real Home, with our Heavenly Father.  Drew just got his work done sooner than some.  And then he was finished.  And got to leave this world with all its disappointments and pain to be in a place that is literally perfect. 

I try to always share how I feel, but also the truth that I know.  It's like I write out my personal pep talks to myself, share what I'm telling myself that keeps me going.  I've said that sometimes my mind knows things, but my heart takes a while to catch up.  I feel like that starting out this week.  All the ideas and truths I've discovered and shared, I truly believe.  But my heart today is stuck on the pain of missing him.  Stuck on what we could have been doing this week, preparing for a fun-loving three year old boy's birthday party.  When we came back from Disney and started the new year, we didn't know how much longer we'd have with him.  I remember asking Josh if he thought he'd make it until his birthday.  That conversation must have been in the 4 days we were home before I took him into the ER and never brought him home.  We both were doubtful we'd have him here for his birthday.  But neither of us thought we'd have less than 10 days with him.  I'm sure it's better we didn't know.

On good days, which come more often now, I am so hopeful for the future, empowered by our experience, thankful for the time we had, and at peace with where Drew is and Who is watching over him now.  But on sad days, I still am a big sappy mess.  I'm more apprehensive to share these sad day feelings for fear it'll seem like don't actually believe all that I say.  For fear that I'll seem contradicting with my thoughts and feeling.  And that's how it feels to me sometimes too.  The truth is I do believe all I've said, but that doesn't mean I don't wish it could have turned out differently.  Or that all that happened last year didn't hurt, and continues to hurt as we reflect on it.  And that now I just want him back.  Want this to be all a bad dream.  If he could just come down that hall saying, "oh, hi mom!" with one sock on and one sock off like for some reason he always was, I would never ask for anything again.  On these days, just like Jesus did when he felt grief, all I can do is turn to the only One that can make it all better in prayer.  Ask for the strength that has gotten me this far.  The God of Comfort to hold me, and tell me it'll be okay.  And I know that He will do just that, and we will be okay. 

Keep Doing

Another week has passed.  Once again, I feel like we got a lot done, things that show we're moving forward.  First, I've needed to wash and donate the 4 convertible car seats we no longer need.  At one point Molly was in that size too, so we had 2 sets for each car.  They take up a lot of space, and I knew we needed to pass them on while they could still be used before they expire.  Taking one apart, washing, and putting it back together is kind of a job, so doing 4 took a whole afternoon it seemed. As I was working on them, I remembered how I used to have to wash his seats out quite often when he was sick from chemo and would throw up in the car.  He'd always be so upset he made a mess, saying he was sorry.  He'd do this to the nurses too when he got sick at the hospital and it broke everyone's heart.  I thanked God he's no longer sick.  No longer throwing up and feeling bad about it.  When I took his seat out of the cars just days after he died, It didn't bother me to much. I was still numb.  But washing them up to donate, thinking of the next child that would sit in them, did get to me.  I wondered out loud to Drew if he'd get to see who sat in them next, asked him to watch over them.  Then Molly and I loaded them up, dropped them off, and drove away.  Keeping my sunglasses on so it wasn't too weird that I was teary.  "See you" chairs...

I also got the last bookshelf put together.  I'm sure it'll change, but I for now I like the Disney stuff displayed, and the things I found for book ends.  The Mickey ears we bought for him, the two pictures books we have of our trip.  A frame we picked out at one of the gift shops, and the snow globe with the castle that Drew got so excited about.  I feel satisfied with him room now, I can sit and look all around at things that remind me of him and the good times we had together.  Now I need to move on to his closet...

 Warrior Wagons also had a productive week.  We opened a bank account for it, and have set up a Paypal account for direct donations.  I met with Social Work and Child Life at the downtown Mayo Clinic where we worked out the final details of distribution.  It's really going to happen!  I dropped off the first wagon to St Mary's for them to have on reserve.  As I pulled that wagon into the hospital, I couldn't help but wonder about the family that will pull it next.  Whether they have any idea anything is wrong, whether they have any idea what is in store for them.  Again, I wiped away tears and also said a prayer over the wagon.  May God provide for them as He did for us, and may His healing hand be on their child.  It was great to see staff, old friends, on Mayo 16 again.  It was nice to talk with others who knew and loved Drew so much.

We continue to work together through our grief too.  Molly forgot her blanket last weekend when we went to Emmetsburg.  She lay in her room crying sad tears about it after I put her to bed.  I went back into her.   "I miss my blanket" she cried as she hugged the towel I gave her in a sorry attempt to replace it.  "I know you do Deary," I said to her, as I rubbed her back.  But I explained that she still needed to find a way to go to sleep.  "You can miss it", I told her, "and lay here and cry a little, but you still need to go to sleep too.  I miss things in my life right now, and I'm sad about it, you see me cry, but I still figure out how to do what I need to do".  "Like what?" she asked, and I can tell she knew exactly what I was talking about.  She just wanted to hear me say it.  "I miss Drew so much, and I feel just like you do right now.  And I cry about it too, and wish I could have him back, but he's back with God and can't come back, so I still find a way to do what I need to do".  We sat there for a moment and both cried.  She laid down, I left.  I could hear her whimpering a little longer, but soon she was asleep.  I share this special moment with you all because so many wonder how Molly is.  And really, I think she is doing pretty well.  She is like her dad, and rarely displaying her emotions (besides frustration when things don't go her way!).  So when she does let some out, I treasure them. 

I hope she understands a little better why I cry more now.  Maybe understands a little better the feelings she has about Drew too, and what she can do with them.  It's okay to be sad, and cry about it.  But as a family I guess we've decided that doesn't mean can't function anymore, can't do the things we need to do. She brought these pictures to me this morning.  She must have drawn them last night after bedtime.  She said she went into Drew's room to copy "his letters" off of his wall to put on the top.  "Molly ❤ Drew" at the top of each, with his big smiling face in the middle and her below him with the crown on her head in one, and the other of our whole family.  I hope she always draws our family with Drew in it.  Makes my heart swell and break at the same time.

Thinking this week about Molly and her blanket, I decided that is how we probably look to God right now.  It hurt to see her sad tears, to know she was really upset and there was nothing to be done, nothing I could do for her.  She had to do it on her own.  I could encourage her, hold her as she cried, and tell her what she needed to do, but it was up to her to do it.  God does that for us.  Holds us when we are sad, I know because I have felt His arms.  And then gently He whispers what we need to do next.  But ultimately it's up to us to do it, to listen to Him.  How it must hurt him to watch his children suffer in this fallen world.  But he knows it'll be okay.  It will all be made right one day.  I live in the Hope of that day.

Driving to Rochester yesterday I wasn't feeling the sadness I was the last time, but instead, determination.  With that wagon in the back, I knew we were doing good again. We are overcoming the hold that cancer thought it had on us.  God is using what was meant to destroy us to do good, and I feel so honored to be a part of it, so empowered.  This is how we are showing that cancer surely did not win.  God has won the war over death we know, but our family too will win this battle over death by not letting it consume us too.  We are getting the last laugh as we refuse to let it keep us down for too long.  Besides, what do we have to be afraid of?  What could we lose now that would be any worse then what we've already lost?  And we are still standing.  And also doing.  Please God, keep giving us the strength to keep doing!

Ups and Downs

Spring Break was pretty busy for us!  Since Molly is in preschool 5 days a week, it actually felt like we had a break, and we filled it!  We had snow to start the week, which I always love.  It's fun to watch Molly "help" Josh shovel from inside.  Drew didn't like going outside in the snow, it was "too cold" he'd say.  So it's one thing I don't have to be sad he's missing!

We had a couple play dates with friends, and Molly also had her kindergarten physical, complete with shots on Tuesday before her and I left for Ames (my hometown) for a quick visit. We saw the Oscar Meyer wiener mobile at Hickory Park which Molly thought was pretty cool. Here's her and the big hot dog with my brother.

We also ate at another favorite of mine--Fazoli's!  My sister and I love that place!

Then we had a day to re group and pack up again for St Patrick's Day weekend in Emmetsburg, Josh's hometown.  There they have big celebration since they are the Sister City of Dublin!  We started off the party with a fun run/walk that Josh's dad and I did Saturday morning.  Here's us before, during, and after in front of a fun prop wall!

The big parade is always fun, and this year the weather was pretty good!  Molly really was able to enjoy it, watching it and gathering candy on her own.  I was able to actually just sit and watch it too!  I didn't realize how hard it was going to be though. Midwest parades are full of firetrucks, tractors, and construction equipment.  All things Drew would have loved.

This last one really got me.  As soon as we saw the green and gold rolling down the street, Molly turned around and gave me the look she gives me a lot these days.  With a slight rolling of the eyes, it seems to say, "please mom, don't cry..."  But I did.  Oh Drew, how beside yourself you would have been!  But after I looked at this picture I thought, maybe beside Molly is where you actually are, watching with as much glee as I pictured, and fully healed.

There seemed to be a lot of times like this that caught me of guard this week.  As we continue to feel moments of joy again, it just highlights the grief, the longing, and the pain of the memories when they return.  It takes me by surprise, seems to hurt even more as it is contrasted with happiness once again.  I'm so thankful the highs have returned, but it makes the lows feel more extreme.  Before when sadness was more of a constant feeling, I couldn't be reminded of the pain when I wasn't expecting it, because I always was expecting it, always aware of it.  But two months out, as I can see through the fog of grief at times, it hits me like a wall, like a slap in the face.

Molly's check up was another time.  The usual questions they just blow through that I never gave a thought too---Is she on city water?  Exposed to second hand smoke?  Go to daycare?  And then-- Does she have any siblings?  Oh what a simple, yet loaded question.  The nurse didn't know, and I'm glad she didn't.  But how do I answer that??  "No, not anymore" I think is what I said awkwardly. I should have said "YES!  We have a brother named Drew who was the bravest, strongest, happiest two year old there ever was!  But he's back with God now.  And she has no other siblings this side of Heaven."  Next time I guess...

And then came the shots.  This part I should have known would be difficult.  Hearing my voice trying to keep her calm, explaining what they were doing, and watching her scared little face bravely hold back the tears...it killed me to see that again.  Oh how many nights we administered shots to Drew ourselves, in our living room, while he watched Wheel of Fortune.  Molly would run to her room, and Drew would tell us in a shaky voice which leg he wanted it in that night, and we just did it.  And I'd see that face on my baby boy, holding back tears, being so brave.  It kills a mother inside, whether it's for "routine" shots, or in the middle of big things.  Its the first time I've had to experience that in 2 months.  I got used to it last year, sadly.  It was probably a weekly, many times daily, thing.  I'm out of practice, which I guess is a good thing. 

One of Drew's little friends was over here last week too.  Again, I didn't think twice about saying it was fine to have him over.  And in the end, I'm glad I didn't.  Having a two-year-old boy in this house once again was so bittersweet.  It made the memories so much clearer.  I could hear Drew's voice in this little guy's just because two year olds are so similar in where they say, and how they react.  I could see him again in his cozy coupe going "to the casino" as he would push off as this little boy cruised down the hall.  Even though it was so hard to know I'll never see him in that car again, I was glad to bring the memories to life again.  As time goes on, they inevitably fade.  Become like a dream, a foggy scene from the past.  But they became so crisp again in that moment.  And I was glad even though it felt like cruel tease. Even though it made that ache in my heart start up again.  He even pointed to a picture of Drew on the shelf and said, "there's Drew!" like he was seeing an old friend.  So nice to know he remembers him.

I'm guessing this is how life will be for a while.  Joy mixed with the sorrow.  Life in the present mixed with painful memories of the past.  I probably would have an easier time if I thought ahead, prepared myself to handle the flood of memories and feelings that situations may bring.  Or maybe not.  Maybe just like the last year when we tried not to think about the next step, and just enjoy the moment, I should just continue to take things as they come, one day at a time.  I can rely on Him, who goes before us and prepares a way, to sustain me through the hard times. Deuteronomy 31:8 promises us just that: "The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."  And I know I can trust Him to do it, because he's held us through such tough times already.  I can just savor the present and give the future and it's worries to God.  After what we just went through, saying goodbye to our son, will facing anything else seem too difficult?  If my God got me through that, I think He can get us through this time of sorrow and grief.  Pray I can keep relying on Him to get me through the days!

~Heidi

  

New Beginnings

It was a busy weekend!  We started our Spring Break week watching the Cyclones play in the Big 12 Basketball tournament.  There are more than a few Iowa State fans up here, and we got together with some to watch the games.  The Cyclones won it all, and it was fun to see.  Molly had a pretty good time too.  She is enjoying being more social these days.

We also made progress on Drew's room, got that wall put together that I've been working on next.  I really like how it turned out.  It takes up the wall where his name was above his crib, so it's a pretty special space.  I like how we kept the name there and displayed the hand print plates, and molds that him and Molly did on our vacation in Florida.  I ordered a canvas print of one of my favorite pictures that Lynne of "PORTraits by Lynne" took of Drew during the Santa visit in December.  It perfectly captures his awestuck expression as he gazed at Santa, and the baby touches of his binkie and blankie make my heart melt.  I laid his blankie and favorite animals on a shelf we already had below it.  The top of the dresser is the perfect place for his Urn, close to all of his favorites, resting in about the spot where he slept.  Its just what I was trying to create, and makes the space an even more inviting place to sit by myself in the mornings, in the presence of God and I like to think the spirit of my precious boy.

Before we had company over to watch the game Saturday, Molly and I cleaned.  Every time I have gotten to the kitchen I just can't bring myself to clean off the sliding glass window.  Where pictures and scribbles in window chalk from the hands of Molly and Drew still remained.  It quite literally was some of Drew's last marks on this house.  The last piece of art that Molly and him worked on together in his short time on earth.  If I clean it off, it's just one more thing that's gone forever.  But this time, Molly pushed me to let her clean it off.  I told her honestly, it just makes me sad to think that we are washing off Drew's scribbles, something he did with you before he was gone.  She said, "it's okay, we can take a picture of it.  Besides his scribbles don't even look like a picture, they just look like a mess" (spoken like a true big sister).  So I did it, took a picture and then wiped it off.  He'll always have his "marks" on us, and this house, whether I wipe off the scribbles or not. 

This week there seemed to be a lot of moments like that.   Where we wiped off some of the feelings of sadness from Drew's death and could see clear again.  At those times, I could feel us emerging as our new selves.  Where I could see through the fog of missing Drew and experienced a few moments where I almost forgot about being sad.  The three of us laughed and had inside jokes, and I felt like we clicked, like we fit together again.  But as soon as I realized it, I immediately felt awful.  How can it feel right, feel okay, without Drew?  How can we just move on and leave him in the dust, clean off the scribbles and enjoy the sunlight through the glass??  What would he think of us just acting like he never existed??  These pictures we took of the 3 of us was a big reality check.  These are our family pictures now? And we look so happy??  I realized that these accusations aren't from God, or from Drew either.  It is so unfair how difficult it is to feel good in the first place, and then once you do, struggle with feeling guilty about it.  After thinking about it, I decided if it feels like the enemy is so relentless, I must be on the right track.  I must be gaining some ground, making some headway in God's plan for me if the opposition is so determined to derail me. 

 

And when we do enjoy ourselves now that Drew is gone, that doesn't mean we love him any less.  If we refuse to move on, and cling to what was, that doesn't prove to him, to God, or ourselves, how much we love him.  And I say "love" as opposed to "loved".  Because we still do.  I love him as much as any mother loves their baby.  Sometimes I think even more so, because when you watch someone you love struggle and endure pain like you can't imagine, your love and respect for them grows so deep.  He took my breath away with his strength and love, and it inspires me everyday to push through my own pain.  Nothing can change that.  Maybe it proves we love him even more, because we are going to honor him and carry on how he would have wanted.  All that he withstood, was not so we could waste the rest of our lives being sad about it.  We can draw from his example to choose joy, even when we are in pain.  When our situation is so difficult.

I think time will help too.  It won't feel as wrong to enjoy our family of 3, when the memory of our family of 4 isn't so fresh.  Once I begin to accept that this Becker family of ours now, is the one that God knew we'd be all along.  We may have thought that we'd have a girl and a boy and watch them grow up together, but God knew His plan for our family only included Drew for less than 3 years.  He has big plans of us Beckers still, I am sure.  And now we just have a super enthusiastic cheer leader in Heaven, who I hope we can make proud of us each day.  He was sent to inspire, to spread joy, love, and truth, and to plant seeds that now our job is to care for so they grow and produce fruit.  And we can't do that if we stubbornly refuse to accept our new reality.

Through His word, God reinforced these thoughts to me this morning.  Isaiah 43:18-19, "Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past.  Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it?"  Why shouldn't I dwell in the past?  Because we'll miss what God's doing today.  I know I'll for sure still have sad days.  Days where I am reminded of the past, and ache for my son.  But I think the key He is trying to tell me is not to let that distract me so much that I am left unaware of what God is doing in the present.  Pray that I can have that balance, that I can continue to hear God's voice and encouragement as we move forward.

Molly and I made my Dad's favorite bars this weekend for the game.  I'm not sure what they are really called, I grew up calling them "Dad's favorite bars", and they taste like home to me.  It's been a while since I've made them, which made them taste even more amazing.   Molly helped, and actually did help this time!  Making new memories with her, and pretty sweet ones at that :)

Keep praying for us.  For our hearts and for our minds as we try to focus on the truth.  As each day takes us further away from our memories of Drew, but also one day closer to being reunited with him again.

~Heidi

Our Spring Will Come

This week's meetings for Warrior Wagons, INC went so well!  With the accountants, we were glad to hear that book keeping and tax filing for our small non profit are actually pretty simple, and we can do it on our own for a while.  It was interesting to hear what is required once you reach a certain level, and dream about the day when we might cross those thresholds!  But for now, we are thankful that the administrative side of the project won't give us too many headaches.

Then I went to St Mary's yesterday to discuss distribution and policy with Child Life.  That too, was very encouraging.  I put together a flyer that explains the wagons, our purpose, and our story that I shared with them.  It will be a great way to introduce what we are making available to the families we decided so they can choose if they want to accept what we have to offer.  We have a few more connections to make in our process so that no family falls through the cracks, but we are almost there. The next family who comes to Rochester with a sick little one and sees the face of this ugly disease, will at least have a parting gift on their long journey, if nothing else.  And I at least hope we may give them more.  I am leaving the door open for them to reach out to us for advice, encouragement, and support.  You guys read how hard this journey is in so many ways, it would have been nice to have a peer, someone who actually does know how you feel, to guide you along the way, or just listen. Pray that this project can accomplish just what God intends for it, in each family wherever they are. If you haven't found our faceook page, it's:

https://www.facebook.com/WarriorWagonsINC/  .

Since it was only the second time back to that Peds floor since we left without Drew 7 weeks earlier, and the first time by myself, I was a little nervous as to how I'd feel.  The drive over there is always hard, and I cried through the mile markers countless times with Drew behind me last year, playing on his tablet, as we went to face the day in whatever came next in his treatment.  Without him there with me as I drove, as I parked (he'd always remark, "round and round and round" as we'd seem to always have to circle the parking ramps up to the top before we'd find a place), and of course sitting in his wagon as I pulled him into the building, I felt very alone.  Until I reminded myself that I'm not alone.  For one, I know Christ is always with me, but also now Drew may be too in an even more special way.  And I left feeling so good.  It just felt right to be there, like we are on the right path, doing what we are suppose to be doing.  It was wonderful to see my friends in the nurses and staff, and the familiar hallways.  The memories that came to mind comforted me, made me feel closer to Drew in his "apartment" as Molly dubbed the hospital.

Besides Facebook, I have other places I can look to for reminders of last year.  A year ago in my personal journal (and I think the idea made it to Caringbridge too),  I was writing about how great the Spring feels after a long Winter.  How much more appreciated that warm sunshine is after the cold, dark days preceding it.  I wrote how much I was looking forward to the warm sunshine after this trial was behind us.  How amazing the good times would feel compared to how hard the days were at that point.  I was writing that towards the end of our longest hospitalization, 28 days.  After I took a moment (okay, several) to feel sorry for that Mother.  For Me, that was so full of hope and faith, and how crushed we were and are.  How we, it seems, never got that spring we were waiting so patiently for with Drew in this lifetime.

But then, as I am so thankful God does, He showed me a different way to look at that it. The Spring did come to us last year, just broken up.  We enjoyed the best days of our lives together in between treatments.  Those hard days did give us such a deeper appreciation and joy in the good days that did come.  We did get Drew back and 100% so much more of the time than some families do during as rigorous of treatment as we endured.  And maybe I can think of our Disney trip as our earthly reward, our Spring, after a year of hard work.  Being totally carefree, the joy on the kids faces, the memories made that I will treasure for a lifetime were definitely soul-warming.

And even though it seems another winter has come far too early, as we grieve the loss of our sunshine in Drew, I look forward to the ultimate Spring.  How much greater Heaven will feel in light of our sorrows here on Earth.  How glorious Heaven's light will be after the darkness of this world's disappointments.  Drew already is experiencing the Spring.  Already basking in the warmth of God's love and perfect peace.  I can't wait to join you, Babycakes.  But until that day, I will live in the hope of the Spring to come, especially in these cold, dark days of sorrowful Winter.

The verse that I repeated to myself so often last year, my battle cry, came on a sign I ordered through a friend this week.  It is a perfect truth to see everyday as I get up, and still such a powerful reminder:

"We are hard pressed on all sides, but not crushed; Perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted but not abandoned; Struck down, but not destroyed" 2 Corinthians 4:8-9.

A New Week

Well after last week being such a tough week, I feel like, at least so far, this week God has given me a break from the flood of emotions.  We've been busy it feels like, and it's been good. 

First off, last Friday, Warrior Wagons, Inc. was born!  The paperwork was filed and we got our certificate making us an official Non Profit Organization.  We're pretty excited about this first step!  We know Drew would be all about the cause, spreading love and joy to other Warriors like him.

We have a meeting tomorrow morning with an accountant to make sure we set up the books right from the beginning and can qualify with the IRS to become a 5013C organization qualifying for the tax exemption option to our donors.  Then Thursday I'm meeting with Child Life at St Mary's to discuss the distribution and logistics of the wagons.  We are looking forward to the day when we give our first wagon to a family, when we start to give back after so long being the recipients.


I've made more progress on his room this week too.  I really would like to get to a point where I feel like it's put together and I like it.  One of the bookshelves I got I've filled with all the kids books.  I've used his John Deere equipment as book ends, and I really like how it turned out!  We also have a nice John Deere quilt we received as a gift, and I'm glad I've found a place to display it.  I finished off the shelves with a couple pictures of no doubt the best day of Drew's life--when he got to drive a real combine (the corn one, not the bean one!  Drew was very specific) and a tractor, ride in a fire truck, and eat at Pizza Ranch with all of his friends as we got told we were going to Disney World (probably one of the best afternoons of my life as well).  Here's some pictures of the book shelf.

I think Drew would like it.  And I'm glad to find a place for the machinery.  I'm still working on the wall where I will have his name, the hand prints, the sign, his picture, and a shelf with special items.  Hopefully that's next and I love it just as much!


Molly had her first swimming lesson at the Y on Saturday.  I'm so glad that she's able to get back into activities again.  Last year when this all started with Drew she had been in dance for about 2 weeks.  With our uncertain schedule and everything last year, we ended up pulling her out of it, and haven't gotten back into anything yet this school year.  She loved it!

Josh's parents came on Saturday as well, his dad helped him work on his car.  Deb and Molly and I had a nice afternoon chatting and playing games.  It was nice to show them some of the new things around the house and to talk with them in person.  We never want to take for granted time with family! Here's Molly and Grandma Becker.

I do feel like I'm making progress in the my grief journey.  Although last week I felt at times I was moving backwards, I now see that actually I probably am moving through.  And some of the feelings I move through will be harder than others, but that doesn't mean I'm not making progress.  Reliving the drama of last year I'm realizing is part of what I need to do fully grasp and appreciate all that Drew overcame and his strength throughout his treatment.  It also is important so I can be able to move forward.  So even if it's hard, and I'd rather forget some of the details, I feel like I must face what we tried to look through all last year.  So hang in there with me!  And keep praying for us.

Overall, I've seen how much grief really effects you physically. I thought it was mostly a heart thing, feelings.  But I am seeing how much your whole body gets involved.  At the very beginning I was so thirsty all the time, which I thought was weird.  Now I'm reading in a grief book that dry mouth can be a side affect of grief.  I mentioned before the post-partum feelings I've had--hormonal issues, anxiety and those still throw me off some days.  Sleep hasn't really been as big of an issue for me as it seems like it is to so many, something to be thankful for!  But my face has gotten quite broken out again (I've struggled with acne forever it seems like), and also notice how tired I am at the end of the day sometimes, even if I haven't done much!  I guess it just takes a lot of energy and focus to function right now, so I shouldn't be surprised I'm more tired than usual.  I also have found how much I need and enjoy the time I have alone while Molly's at school.  I try to not schedule anything during the morning, and have liked to be alone.  Running, writing, reading, or just running errands by myself.  I am usually quite social I'd say, so this is a new thing for me--to enjoy being by myself!

So I'm sure there will be many more emotionally charged posts, but for now we've been enjoying the mild weather again, and trying to also enjoy life like we know Drew would want us to!

~Heidi