The summer has been rolling on! It seems we've been going from thing to thing, and having a great time doing it! We've been having so much fun, and Molly has just been so cute to me. Oh! I could just eat her up. Celebrating the fourth, as we cruise around doing errands, when we hit Target and get our favorite popcorn or at school lunch as I sit across from her...
I've been looking at her and could just burst with love. I just can't get enough. The summer is going too fast. In a little less than 3 weeks now, she'll be a 1st grader. Unbelievable! Not every hour or every morning do I wish I had more, but a surprising amount of the time, I just can't wait to see what she's going to say/do next. She's at such a fun age. What would I do without you Molly?
But as my life goes now, the heightened joy is followed by a shadow of grief. Of missing the other cutie of mine that I can't squeeze anymore. The way I'm looking at Molly lately, I remember looking at Drew that same way. The questions my heart is asking about what I'd do without her, it asked after we were told we'd "probably" have to live without Drew. And then I've had to...
I remember not being able to get enough of him. Thinking I could just eat him up! I would watch him putting all his "moves" on the nurses, and try to memorize every smirk. I moved my fingers through his fluffy baby hair that was just coming back in after chemo, trying to picture what he'd look like with more of it.
I laid next to him in the hospital, on that terrible cot, and just watched him sleep. Wishing I could freeze time, keep him as perfect as he seemed in that moment forever...
Its a weird feeling, a difficult one to explain. The bursting delight and joy you feel for both your children, equal in intensity--but one of them isn't here to receive it. He may be out of sight, but my love for Drew is certainly not out of mind.
Many of you can probably relate to the delight I've had in Molly this week, the way you catch yourself looking at your child and just can't believe they are yours. I feel the same way for my Drew, but I can't express it, give it to him directly anymore, because I had to give him back. There's no where for it to go...
I can feel God encouraging me though, reminding me that the One who's caring for my son now--who's watching him sleep and smiling at his antics--loves him even more than I do. The way I looked at him that last year, the way I'm looking at Molly now, that's how much God loves Drew, and even more. He's bursting with love and delight. He can't get enough of him! I guess if it can't be me, I'm glad Drew has the One who made the delicate plants in my garden, the bright stars in the night sky and the beautiful sunrises and sunsets, doting over him...
And really, if I take this further, that's how God looks at all of us! "For God so loved THE WORLD that He gave his only begotten Son." He couldn't imagine an eternity without us either, so He made sure He'd never have to. Ensuring we'd never have to endure an eternity without our loved ones either. What a great truth!
And just like we do as parents, he cries when we cry. His heart breaks when ours does. What a comfort to know that a God who loves me like that is taking care of me too. It makes it easier to trust in Him, as my heart continues to ache, now almost 18 months (next week) since the last time I saw my Drew alive.
These are the thoughts I have, when I've caught a moment to think this summer. It's been busy, with planned things, and unplanned things--like the death of my grandma. A tough loss, because at 96, she was a part of all of us in the family. But as much as I'll miss her, I'm so happy for her too--that she gets to be renewed, restored, and surrounded by God's glory. Be with the One who loves her more than any of us! I'm a little jealous too--can I say that?--she gets to be with my Drew now! I know she'll take good care of him. This picture of him sitting on her lap is how I picture them together.
We still have a few more weeks of Molly's summer. And it's full of plans, but hopefully a few quiet moments together too. I am cherishing each day, being kind of selfish with our time. Trying not to complain in the instances when she's not-so-cute. Because this loss of my other baby has made me appreciate every moment. Not wish these little years away anymore.
Yes summers get long, as many Moms are probably feeling right about now. But I'd encourage them to try not to just survive until school starts. Do what needs to be done, deal with what needs to be dealt with, but soak up the sleeping babes. Memorize the smirks. You want them to grow up, trust me! But don't rush it. And when you are in a moment and they're driving you crazy but at the same time wonder what you'd ever do without them...I can unfortunately tell you, you'd be doing much the same. Feeling a little crazy, but still bursting with love for each baby that is yours❤
