Election Night

 I thought I had gotten through all of the "firsts" without Drew.  But four years later, another first came up this month--the first Presidential election night.  Now you wouldn't think that would be too significant of a first, that it would trigger a huge wave of emotion.  But the last time we all held our breath in America and watched the results come in deciding who would be our next President, it was one of the worst nights of my life. 

Drew was beginning the first round of the clinical trial we decided to be a part of through Mayo Clinic after his cancer was found to be active and growing again. A little more than a week had past since we were told the devastating news that Drew "probably" wouldn't be a long term survivor. I shared about those feelings last month, and how it put such a dark cloud over Halloween that year.  But a little over a week later, we had pulled ourselves together enough to keep marching forward, keep fighting with and for our Drew. 

This trial had about a 50% chance of slowing the cancer down, of making a difference at all in the progression of the disease. No one had gotten far enough with the trial to be declared free of disease long enough for it to be counted as a successful treatment, but it was our best shot at buying more time. And my heart held onto hope that maybe, just maybe, Drew could be the first to reach "No Evidence of Disease" from the therapy.  Maybe he could be the one it worked on.

We checked in to the hospital on Monday, and got all the usual things going.  I was excited to see a friend I had made at the hospital was also on the floor this week too, with her son who had a form of brain cancer.  They were just 2 doors down.

We had visitors the next morning, Election Day--Drew's best friend Andrew and his Mom.  It was so fun to see him with his friend--playing with cars, and riding big wheels around. And it was nice to have his mom there too, my friend who had gone through the year right along with us. 

With the new realization that these play dates may be numbered, I watched Drew play and enjoy simply being a little boy with his friend with even more interest.  My heart wishing, Oh sweet boy, I hope you get to play with your friend many more times, outside of the hospital! 

That evening, it was time to get to what we came for--treatment.  First up was the infusion of the antibodies, and chemo would follow. I'd heard that the body can have big reactions to the introduction of the antibody cells, and terrible nerve pain can follow.  So much so, that they give narcotics right along with the antibodies to keep up with the pain.  Nurses told me that older kids who can express themselves better describe the pain as a full body pain, like nothing you've experienced before. 

I was nervous for my sweet 2 year old son, to say the least.  But as the infusion began, he showed no sign of pain.  In fact, was dancing on his bed!  

We did his bath, and began getting ready for bed when the pain caught up to him.  He started by telling me he was hot. "Hot, hot Mom, HOT!" as he came over to my arms...it quickly escalated to him being just beside himself in pain.  Crying, harder than he had all year, as I held him, rocked him, and sang in his ear trying to calm him down, with tears streamed down my face too.  Nurses came and I asked for more pain drugs. We slowed down the rate of flow for the antibodies.  We tried everything to give him some relief. But with each increase in narcotics, no relief seemed to come. Finally they nurse said we couldn't give him anything more, we had to wait for it to catch up. 

Sitting with him in my arms, crying in pain, I pleaded with God, please, please make it stop.  Have mercy on my boy, and don't let him hurt anymore. 

It must be so difficult for the Lord to hear those kinds of prayers, the pleading of a mother to take on the pain for one of her children.

It made the whole thing worse to remember that night as I held him, that throughout the whole year of treatment Drew had endured so much in such brave form, hardly complaining at all.  Why, why did this sweet child have to do anything else?  And what was the point.  If it wasn't going to work anyway, why were we putting him through all of this...  

The drugs finally caught up, and I could feel him go limp in my arms, falling asleep after about an hour and a half of intense pain.  I remember finally standing up out of his bed and feeling the tension in my own muscles, the stiffness from the adrenaline in my own body from the whole ordeal.  

I walked down the hall to my friend, who had made popcorn on the stovetop in the kitchenette and was watching the election results.  There's a connection that forms between moms up in the ICU. We are the few that can relate to one another, and truly understand what we go through with our children. 

As I stood in her doorway, I think she could tell that whatever was going on, whatever had just happened, wasn't good.  I remember standing there and not even being able to go into just how terrible the last 2 hours had been for us. I tried to hold it together, not break down right there on the spot. But she knew, I could feel it.  She offered me some of her popcorn. And it was the best popcorn I've ever had.

My attention turned to the news coverage, and I was amazed to see that the candidate we both voted for was actually doing well. He wasn't suppose to win, I didn't have a real expectation that he would.  But as the night went on, it got more and more apparent that he was very much in the race.  I kept returning to my friend's room as Drew was still zonked out, and we celebrated each state getting called for our candidate until finally, the winner was declared. That night, it was just what I needed, an unexpected win.  A reason to get excited and be pleasantly surprised.  Both of us did!

I reached out to another cancer mom the next day who I knew who had been through the same infusions with her daughter. The first day was the worst, she told me, but it gets better.  You figure out a balance between the rate of antibodies going in and rate of pain drugs along with it. That gave me some comfort.

I asked the doctors on rounds more questions about the trial itself, and got reassurance that we wouldn't be doing this if there wasn't a real shot at helping Drew.  At giving us more time together.  That made me feel better too. 

The next night's infusion was not like that first night at all. Thank heaven! We made our way through the first round of the trial, one day at at time.

You all know how the story ends though, Drew didn't end up being the one to be cured by the trial.  As it turned out, he wasn't even in the 50% that see any help in slowing down the disease.  

He'd die just over 2 months later.  

So that's why I'll always remember election night, 2016.  And why it was such a difficult "first" since Drew's been gone.  The build up and anticipation felt much like 4 years ago, and triggered all of these memories and emotions.   My friend from down the hall and I reached out to each other last week, both of us thinking of the other and remembering how we spent election night 4 years ago together. Our sons are now together in Heaven, my guess is NOT paying much attention to the election 😉 

The election of 2020 though has obviously not been like the election of 2016 in many ways. Yes, it sure felt the same leading up to it, but there was no winner declared on Tuesday night. We will see who gets inaugurated in January, and many emotions are on display from both sides as tensions rise politically.

The coverage of national reactions and celebrations, the social media posts of glee and relief, but also those of anger and frustration, show the very intense feelings out there. As I watch it all and take in all the comments and posts I can handle, I'm realizing something.  Behind the initial emotions, maybe the most dramatic reactions of some are a result of being too dependent on circumstances for happiness.  Some people seem to either have all of their hopes lost in the election, or likewise have gained back all hope as a result.  

Now, I believe elections and politics are important, don't get me wrong, I get into them too!  I think it is our responsibility as citizens to be engaged and involved in the political process. I too had some strong reactions, felt some of the same feelings many of you have felt in the last 10 days. So as usual, I write this as much for me to think about as anyone else. 

So let's think about it--has anything actually changed from Tuesday last week to today?  Our personal situations, for the large part, have remained the same. What has changed is the perceived future, and with it, perspective.  It's all in our minds whether we're going to be better off or worse off after the election last week, we don't really know for sure. And that perspective has totally, radically in some cases, changed some of our attitudes and moods. Politics aside, do you see what I mean? Can you see how this one result, one event, has made such an impact in the lives of many Americans?  

Is this a bad thing?  Yea, kind of. If your mindset and hope is based on things that are out of your control, bigger than you, then you will always be riding a roller-coaster of hope and desperation. We have the power within our own selves to choose to be hopeful, to have joy, and to not let this world effect our own little world every day. Regardless of what happens to us. Do you see what I'm trying to say?  We shouldn't let an election throw us into despair, or be the only reason we are smiling today. What if we decided each day to be hopeful and happy all by ourselves?  Didn't leave it up how the chips fall around us?  I know its possible, and what a difference it can make.  Drew showed me that in 2016.

I can't leave this idea without adding that the only place to always find hope and joy, is through faith in God.  Jesus has already won the battle, beaten His opponent, 2,000 years ago on the cross. And it's in that victory that I have set my hope, and found real peace and joy in my life--not through whoever is elected President. It would be nice if my candidate wins, but if not, I can still choose to live not in anger, gloom and fear because I know it will all work out in the end. 

And in that ending, I'll never, ever, have to hold my son as his whole body quivers in pain again. Instead, we all will filled with joy, surrounded by love, celebrating the only One who is worthy of praise 🙌

Life Keeps Moving On...

Its been a while since I've added a post on here, and its because we've been busy for a change! Well, okay, to be fair, we've had a pretty busy year actually.  But in a year that has forced us all to slow down our daily lives, our fall sure has been full! We've traveled a lot, seen new things, and experienced so much together.

Josh's Grandpa Norm passed into Heaven in early September. We gathered with family to celebrate his life in Iowa on a beautiful early fall afternoon. We were thankful to be able to hold a service during these times, and to remember his life marked by his very strong work ethic and devotion to his family.

He will be missed in our family, but we're glad that Drew has more relatives to entertain before we get there too 💗

Only two days after we got home from Iowa, we set off on a 12 day road trip to California and back!  Josh had business meetings at several different plants along the way and in California, and Molly and I decided since school was all-remote, we might as well tag along! 

We start by driving across much of Wyoming, and getting to Salt Lake.  Josh and Molly were excited to float in the salty waters.  I designated myself the photographer after remembering the flies and stink from when I was there with my family as a kid...

After staying a night in beautiful Provo where Josh had his first meeting the next morning, we headed on to Las Vegas, where we took a few personal days to show Molly our favorite city!

It was so fun to be out in the world again!  And to see Molly experience all the action and glitter of Las Vegas.  

But my heart still hasn't forgotten that we *all* weren't together, experiencing Las Vegas.  That someone was missing from the photos.  As always, sadness came with the joy we were having.  I found myself wishing frequently I could see the excitement and wonder in both of our children's eyes. 

We talked about him a lot, as we often do. He'd have loved the fire from the volcano show at the Mirage.  Molly wished out loud for Drew to be with us in the lazy river at the MGM pool so we could have had a longer train of innertubes as we floated along. And we all were struck instantly by the tree at the Bellagio atrium with the face on it.  Just like the "sleeping tree" at the Give Kids the World Village on our Make-a-Wish trip that Drew was obsessed with! 

 

So in a very real way, Drew was with us in Las Vegas, he just didn't show up in the pictures...

We moved on from Vegas west, through Nevada and Arizona, to California. We made it all the way to San Francisco the next night, and crammed as many tourist attractions as we could before the sun went down.  

Us Beckers are efficient! It was a tease of an afternoon, though.  San Francisco has so much to offer, and we just brushed the surface! We decided we'll just have to go back, and experience more of this fun city. 

After Josh finished his business in San Francisco, we made our way to Fresno via Hwy 1 along the California coast. Unfortunately, heavy fog rolled in off the ocean, but I captured some of the beauty before it was hidden in the fog.  

We spent a couple hours at the beach before we started back east. I forgot how cold the pacific ocean is along this coast!  But Molly didn't mind, digging holes in the sand and declaring her love for her family in the sand...

Being from Iowa, we loved the agriculture of the central California valley!  This was where Josh had more of his business meetings--with the almond growers here in Almond Country! But we saw from the road that it wasn't just almond groves around Fresno.  But grapes (for raisins we learned!), fruit, and other nut trees.  A big change from rows and rows of beans and corn in the Midwest!

This was where Molly and I had some downtime at the hotel while Josh worked.  Which was a welcome rest, before we headed back home. 

It took us two days of driving to get back home, but what a fun two days in the car it was!  The whole trip in the car was fun, actually.  This part of the country is so rich with changing landscapes. All along the way I was glued to the window, trying to take in all of God's amazing creativity in His creation.

You all know how much I love sunrises and sunsets--the ones from the road were pretty amazing to watch too!

It was fun to stop the car along the way too, and take in some of the scenic sights! 

Molly only ended up missing 3 days of school--our Vegas days--as she was able to attend "classes" and keep up with assignments from the car and hotel rooms.  The remote learning thing that we weren't too happy about, allowed us to experience so much together, without sacrificing school. And for that I'm thankful!

 

Yep, the first long Becker road trip almost couldn't have gone better.  Yes, the pandemic limited some activities, the masks cramped our style, but we made the best of it, and didn't let fear keep us home. Being out and seeing the country reminded us that the world continues to go on, the sun rises and sets in breathtaking fashion, despite what we may think after watching the news.  We can choose to sit at home and pout, be angry and blame others, OR we can make the most of this time, do what we can, and choose joy.  It worked for us in 2016, and it is working for us again in 2020!

Outside of our travels, we've continued to explore, settle into, and embrace our new Colorado home.  Molly started a hybrid model for school the week after we got back from our trip--so actually GOING to school has been a highlight for everyone. 

I've been able to get back into some of what had become my life staples, in addition to keeping the household running, including the gym and my women's bible study--in a remote format this year.

And of course, Warrior Wagons business!  Just keeping up with all 3 branches is a job nowadays, but we also got to do a few interviews/recordings this fall!

We're continuing to hit the trails, and hiked the flat irons near Boulder this fall. Which was more than we bargained for, but we all were proud of ourselves when we finished!

We were happy to have family friends from Minnesota visit us, and Molly couldn't have been more excited to host her first sleepover party with her cousins. She also is trying new things--like scootering around skate parks!

God has given our family a new life this fall too--making me an aunt for the first time!  My brother and his wife welcomed my nephew in September, Molly's first cousin on ether side of the family.  We're so excited for another Grove in the world! I'm sure there will be plenty more written about this wonderful little nugget, but for now, I'll just leave you with his adorable face 😘

Smoke from forest fires in the mountains continue to billow overhead many days, so when the sky is clear and the mountains are "out", its a real treat! On those days, we are seeing just how beautiful  fall is in Colorado.  Between the changing trees, the snowy mountain peaks, and the amazing weather, Colorado is really starting to capture my heart!

Molly and I made it to a pumpkin farm this October with some new friends we've made, and it was so fun.  Even though the smoke was so thick by the end of the afternoon it nearly choked us, it was a perfect fall day before that!  

This time of year is so wonderful, it's my second favorite season. But it is also a hard season ever since Halloween Eve of 2016 when we were absolutely crushed by the news that Drew would "probably not be a long term survivor". 

Unless you've been in that position, I don't think you can quite grasp how absolutely awful it feels to watch your toddler son enjoy the leaves, the fall parks, and Halloween, knowing it will be for the last time. I remember feeling sick, heart sick, trying to enjoy the moment and not wanting it to end.

 

As I sit here and look at his sweet face in these photos from our last fall together, and my eyes almost immediately fill with tears. The questions that I tried not to let dominate my thoughts four years ago, pop right back in today--how can such a precious child, full of life, be going to die? In the fall, all these questions and those feelings come back to haunt me.  The disbelief, pain, and pleading for it not to be true, crash back in like a wave. I remember asking God, my heart already breaking, how will I ever get through it, what will I ever do without my Drew?  

Oh, how difficult it was to struggle to accept that news, this time of year 4 years ago. Because he was so full of life, so innocent and sweet. I found myself looking at my baby, who I would have done anything for, and realizing I could do nothing but hold his hand for the last 11 weeks we had him with us.

Each fall as I wrestle with all of this, God reminds me how he can use the hard, ugly things for good.  The vibrant colors and refreshing cool breeze that define fall displays His power to bring beauty into the dying. He reminds me how magnificent it was to watch Drew love, laugh and live until his last day. How much I learned from him, how much my faith grew, and how I continue to do both since. 

As I sit here with those heart-wrenching questions in my head once again as I look at his sweet face, God also is reminding me of His faithfulness.  Of how He never left my side, as I sat by Drew's. And by His power and strength, I did make it though what I never would have been able to on my own.  Yes, my son did die, but we have found a way to not just exist without him with us, but really live, just like Drew did.  

I guess this blog post recapping our last couple months shows that.  I can find comfort, as this season brings back those painful memories of feeling completely helpless, that we are doing okay now, just 4 years later. Even better than okay!  Getting out and seeing the country, making new memories filled with joy and love.  I can have hope that whatever the future brings, God will continue to keep His promises of never abandoning us, and using all things for our ultimate good.

I wonder, how often does this same story play out?  Something truly devastating happens, something that totally knocks the wind out of you.  You wonder how you'll ever go on.  But, you do.  God can help you find your way again.  And once you get going, you welcome joy back into your life. There's such a relief, a hope in that moment. You have a new found strength and confidence that you can get through hard things. That next time if you just hang in there, and trust in the Lord, better days will be ahead.  

I have a feeling many of you have had this sequence happen in your life, and maybe even more will look back on 2020 and understand just what I mean. 

There can be great beauty in the dying. There is hope in the middle of the storm.  Just hang in there, relief is coming!  Joy will return, and it'll be so sweet when it does.