Missing Drew really started to take over after that, and by Tuesday, I was pretty down. We've had such beautiful weather up here in Minnesota this week. And what should have made me feel better, ended up hurting so much more than I expected. Drew would have loved the weather--being outside and playing. Pushing his shopping cart, riding in the gator with Molly, picking up sticks, and jumping in melting snow puddles. I could just picture it all and that pain deep inside, the aching for him, got so strong. There was really a point Tuesday after a run that I felt like I couldn't stop crying. I told myself it was time to get going, to pick up Molly, and I just couldn't get it together. I just want him back! I am just so disappointed it couldn't have turned out differently. We had so much going for us, he was in such good shape despite all he'd been through. We could have fought longer. We could have handled more treatment. We did everything right, shouldn't we have gotten the happy ending we prayed so hard for?
I took Molly to a class at the library last week. Each kid had a cutout of a heart and they sang a song about where they were placing it. "Put your heart on your head like this...put your heart on your head like this..." and each kid picked where they wanted to put their heart and they sang another verse. As I watched, I started to wonder where Drew would have put his heart. On his belly maybe. He'd be a little taller than that girl, a little smaller than that boy...and I could just see him there singing along. I started to let myself hang out there, but suddenly I realized what I was doing. Maybe God or Drew showed me. I realized if I continue to do that, to make a habit of picturing what's not there, I'll miss what IS there. I won't only miss the childhood I wished I had with Drew, but also seeing Molly's as it happens in real life! I can't do that to her. Or myself. As I said before, Drew's life was how it was suppose to be all along. I wasn't robbed of seeing him grow up because it was never mine to begin with. But Molly is here. And I can be robbed of seeing her grow up if I'm constantly thinking about Drew.
And after I started thinking about the sadness that I let overwhelm me this week, it really shows the choice I face in general. And it's the same choice we faced a year ago about this time. Am I going to pout, be bitter and upset at all that we are going to miss out on or have to endure, and in doing so, waste my precious time with Drew? I am so glad we chose to be thankful, to cherish each day, and not wallow in self-pity. I know it's why we are doing "so well" now, because we have no regrets on what we did or where our hearts were this last year.
Now, again, I have a choice. I can choose to camp here, in the sadness, the grief, and the self-pity. Or I can draw from Drew, and choose to find joy in each day, despite our circumstances. Drew paid cancer's price. If I let this take not only my son's life, but indirectly our family's too, by being bitter and angry and perpetually sad, then that would be the real tragedy. And I won't do that. I said before that cancer hasn't taken anything from us, and I won't let it start now. Genesis 50:20 says, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." What was intended to harm us, what could so easily destroy us, we will instead let God use it for good. Drew paid with his life for us to not waste ours now. We owe it to him for his strength and courage to not just give up now. So we will press on Drewy. We will keep choosing to be a part of what God is accomplishing, the spreading of the joy of knowing and trusting Him. And we will do it for you!
God keeps bringing me to Roman's 8 lately, there is so much truth in that chapter that brings me comfort. And a new one to repeat to myself, in verses 24-25: "For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." It is going to take perseverance but we will wait so eagerly for what we have hope in! Which is the day when all will be set right, when there will be no more pain, sorrow or death. And we can be together again with all of those that we love.
Here's a picture of Molly and the gator. In the spring like weather, she wanted to get it out. "Will you cry if I drive the gator around, mom?"--what would I do without her and her dad's rational, thicker-skinned personalities to keep me from going off the deep end--I told her probably. But do it anyway Molly! Drew will be happily watching as we enjoy the day just like he would be!
~Heidi
