Drew's Story - under construction

Friday, October 27, 2017

How Winning is Done

Exercise has been a good outlet for me when I've cried enough, or don't have the words to write yet.  After the half marathon, I've been trying some new things, taking different classes at the Y.  One of which I've really gotten into lately is kickboxing.  I'm able to experience a great release, especially with my more angry feelings lately, as I punched and kick the bag.  This week, a quote from Rocky Balboa, Silvester Stalone, popped into my head. I remember thinking, "Wow, I never thought of it that way..." as I watched the movie and heard the line way back when.  But when it repeated in my head this week, it meant so much more to me now.


"It ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”  

Isn't this so true??  Yes, being strong and being able to hit is big in winning a fight.  But just as big in winning is being able to take the punch, and come back again.  To stand up after you've been knocked down.  To not give up, and preserver to the end.  It's also true in a bigger frame too.  Most champions have lot some matches, didn't end up on top at the bell.  Not many are undefeated in all of time.  But when they've lost, they didn't quit.  Real champions have lost, but didn't walk away.  They've learned from their loss, and gotten better from it.  Came back stronger the next fight.

We may not all be boxers or actually ever even been in a real fight (like me), but applied to life, we will all be knocked down at one time or another. And this week I remembered that its in the standing up again, withstanding through adversity, where real strength is shown.  And what creates champions.

And I needed this reminder as I felt mad at myself, embarrassed even, that I had such a hard time last week.  But I shouldn't try to hide or be ashamed that grief gets the best of me and it knocks me down sometimes.  It's just how it goes, and doesn't mean I don't believe all I say I do or that I'm not "strong".  It just means I miss my boy.  That I've been hurt and couldn't keep up with all the hits for a week.  It shows I'm still being shaped.  I've still got room to grow.  And if I pretended it doesn't happen, or try too hard to not allow the emotions to come out, I wouldn't be honest for one.  But also would be missing half the equation for building from this.  I need to acknowledge and embrace the "bad" days for what they are and let God us them to turn me into a better me.

And you know who a great example of a champion is to me in this life?  My Drew.  A real Champion, who embodied this whole concept.  Who was certainly strong--would endure the pain until his arm and hand were blue and blistered before he'd cry out about an IV infiltration.  But he wasn't invincible.  He wasn't on top all the time.  I unfortunately watched as he felt so beaten down as a result of the chemo he wouldn't hold his head up straight too many times. 


But as soon as he felt better his head was held high, and he was ready to go, play, and spread his joy and love to everyone he met.  He withstood, and got back up again so many times in his short life.


I think its what made him so remarkable.  It wasn't that he never was upset or down, but that he didn't stay there.  He refused to give up.  He got back up, and kept moving forward. Every. Time.   I just didn't get to see the last time he stood up, because it was on the other side, in Heaven.  But I am comforted to know he'll never have to stand up again, because nothing can knock him down anymore. In the frame of this world he may have "lost" a match, but because of our Grand Champion, Jesus, he got up again after what should have been a knock out blow from Cancer.  Take that death!

So as I recover from a storm of grief last week, and prepare for many more blows coming up as we approach the first set of Holidays without our son with us physically, I'll try to remember this.  It's okay to get knocked down.  I don't have to be strong all the time.  What's important is that I'll stand back up, just like my Drew did.  And get back to work, keep moving forward.  Being a good Mother, Wife, furthering aid to other fighters through Warrior Wagons, and anywhere else I get the opportunity to tell Drew's story and spread the Truth we learned through him.  Because, as Rocky reminds us, that's how winning is done.



(que the Rocky theme song...;) )


Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Choose to Believe


Today, a year ago, Drew completed his last radiation treatment.  It was such an emotional day, and in a good way!  I remember being so overjoyed, so hopeful, so proud.  Proud of my strong, brave boy who had endured so much.  Our whole family was there--Molly too--to be with him that final treatment day.


And watch him "Ring the Bell"--a tradition at Mayo which marks the completion of your treatment in radiation oncology when it was through.

"Ring this bell
Three times well
The toll to clearly say

My treatments are done
It's course has run
And I am on my way"


The treatments were done, we were feeling like we were almost done, and on our way...

I'd watched him literally "grin and bear it" through each of the 6 chemo cycles.  I cleaned the incision where they opened him up to remove the last of the tumor.  And I'd held his little hand while the high dose chemo made his bones hollow, and then the stem cells grew to fill them back up again.  Twice.  And at this time a year ago, I'd just seen his eyes roll back in his head, hands still holding onto his toys, as he went to sleep 13 times over the 2 1/2 weeks so the beam of radiation could hit him just where it was suppose to.   The actual toll to ring that bell cost us so much, but we made it.

And beyond the accomplishment we felt, there was so much hope.   I was so sure he was going to make it.  He was going to finish this, and be one of the lucky survivors.  He had come so far.  Only one more treatment phase to go.  At diagnosis the doctor told us this would be like a triathlon since the cancer was so widespread.  On this day a year ago I felt like we'd gotten through the swimming, the biking, and were now halfway through the final obstacle.  The end was in sight.  Drew was so strong.  The doctors were so optimistic about how he was doing.  Everyone cheered, and we all nearly burst with so much emotion after 9 long months of what we had endured.  We were allowing ourselves to feel a little relief.  To celebrate after all we had withstood.






And then.  Two weeks later.  The day after Halloween, we learned the cancer was already back.  More accurately, never really gone.  We were told that at this point, since it was there, he would "probably" not survive.  That he could possibly only have months to live, which indeed turned out to be true.  He'd have 11 weeks and 2 days from that day, November 1st.

The whiplash was awful then, and it feels almost as awful now looking back.  Seeing all the happy memories, reading such positive CaringBridge updates from last year, and remembering triumphant days like this one has been so hard.  Its difficult to see how high we were on top of the mountain we had climbed, and know how great the fall would be.  But I know we did everything we should have.  Medically, but also emotionally.  We were thankful, we did choose joy most of the time.  We had an attitude that was fueled by God.  He gave us the wisdom to enjoy each day we had, and we listened.  I know there was nothing we could, or should, have done differently. 

But that almost makes it worse.  It's so unfair.  Yes, we did have the right attitude, we did listen to God and obeyed.  Where did it get us?  WHY didn't it work out?  It should have.   Drew deserved to "beat" this as much as any other kid.  Our family tried so hard to positive, and what did we get in return?  I think many of you probably saw this last year, as it happened.  Maybe some of you had these thoughts and feelings for us as it unfolded.   And over the course to of the last almost 9 months since I watched him take his last breath, I've felt this way before.  But back then, we couldn't stop and think.  We had to keep going.  We couldn't get discouraged, and I'm so thankful we didn't.

But for a couple days, I've let those thoughts and feelings come back, and linger.  I've entertained the beginnings of anger, and resentment.  I haven't been thankful, or choosing joy like I preach.   I've just cried.  And felt sorry for myself.   And honestly, it has felt kind of good.

But I know I can't stay.  My head is trying to convince my heart we can't stay here.  We have to have faith.  This is the believing part.  We don't have the answers, and won't in this lifetime.  This doesn't make sense, and it does seems so, so unfair.  But we have to believe it will become clear some day.  This isn't the end of the story.  We have to hang on, and trust in Him, even, or maybe especially, when it doesn't make sense.  We have to have faith it will be made right in the end, and that we'll be with Drew again.  Take that leap of faith, consciously choose to believe.

If we don't, if I were to accept these invitations to be bitter, then we let death win.  We forget that Jesus has paid this debt to death, and we give it power over us again.  I would become a victim and accept defeat, if I chose to give into those feelings.  And I refuse to do that.  I'll cling to the Truth that through Him, I don't have to.  We can overcome this, and we are, with the power of God.  Cancer can't take anything more from us, including my hope and joy.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope." 1 Thessalonians 4:13.   I can indeed grieve this great loss, but not like others with no hope.  Because we do have hope.  His sacrifice on the cross did save Drew in an eternal way, and it has saved me from being enslaved to grief, to be ruled by the sorrow of Drew's death today.

I hope you can see in this post that all this thankfulness and joy stuff I talk about is a daily choice, a daily struggle.  It's a constant battle, not a one time decision.  And through my own strength, clearly, I don't make the right choice all the time, like these last few days.  And maybe that's good in a way, to remind me how inadequate I really am on my own.  Heidi Becker would be just as much of a mess as the next Mother would be in this situation.  But more times than I'm capable of on my own, God helps me to make the right choice.  To open my eyes to all I have to be grateful for, which leads me to that peace and joy that I am really craving.  And it's easier to trust Him.  And to not give into those temptations to doubt, and be angry in the first place. 

It's a beautiful circle, really.  And I hope and pray that I never lose sight off or fall out of it.  That I can always get back here, to a place of hope and joy in the promises we have in the Lord.  To have faith like a child, and live in the moment; to be thankful and chose joy when despair is so much easier.

Just like a pretty amazing little boy I know named Drew, who taught us this and so much more about life, even though his was far too short...



Monday, October 9, 2017

In the Garden...

This Spring, Molly and I created our first garden.  In the far corner of our back yard there was a 9'x8' woodchipped stone/bird bath area, a perfect starting place.  I always thought I'd like to have a garden, but have never actually followed through.  This year was the year to try something new, to not put anything off for another season.

So Molly and I went shopping in the seed section of Walmart in early May.  She picked out a pretty random assortment--carrots, onions, sugar snap peas, watermelon and pumpkin.  I knew I wanted tomatoes, peppers and some herbs--basil and parsley--which I bought as plants.

We got home and had to prepare the area to be a garden.  Moving the bark chips, removing the under layer of tarp, tilling the soil.  Molly was eager to just skip to the planting the seeds part, but I told her we'll be glad we took the time to prepare the garden as well as we could.  Our plants would grow better, and it would look nicer.

I've heard before how much gardening teaches you about life.  Some of them, obvious lessons.  But this Summer I learned some not so obvious lessons.  I saw and felt things from this garden that really hit home, and so perfectly embodied many of the feelings I have as I continue through this season of grief.  All summer I've been writing things down, and knew I had to share. 

In this beginning stage of the garden, I could see in Molly how easy it is to just go with your eager emotions and dive right in.  Skip to the fun part, and rip open the packages, bury the seeds and give them a drink!  But you have to have some self control.  Hold back, think ahead, and do things the right way.  How many times do I want to just jump right in to something new, and not wait?  Skip the planning, the praying, the preparation, and just go right to the fun part?  Kids show you so much about yourself in their unfiltered emotions and reactions.  And in Molly, I saw a lot of myself right now as I start new projects, new endeavors.

So I explained to Molly, we should read the directions, see how each seed should be planted, and then make a plan for our space, since we didn't have very much!  Onions and carrots didn't sound like they needed as much sun, so they should go in the back row, spaced apart like the package said.  Then the snap peas in front of them we decided.  The pumpkin seeds were suppose to be planted in mounds, sets of 4 or 5?  Same with the watermelon.  And were suppose to get a lot of sun.  So the front right corner seemed best since it got the most sun.  We finally placed the tomato, pepper and herb plants behind the pumpkin/watermelon mounds along the far ride side.

All in all, it was a lot of work preparing, planning and starting the garden.  We watered the seeds, took a picture, and were excited to see them all come up!  Molly wanted to know what makes them grow.  I thought a minute, and told her it was God's touch.  We did all we could do, put the seeds just how they should be in the prepared ground, but what actually makes them grow is kind of magic.  God brings them to life, just like he brings each of us to life.  We wondered if maybe God would let Drew touch our seeds to make them grow, we were sure Drew'd love that...


Not long word must have gotten out among the neighborhood rabbits, because I swear there were a dozen having a social in my yard the very next weekend.  It was like they were just waiting for the seeds to sprout and they'd have their salad luncheon.  So Molly and I went to Runnings and got some chicken wire.  I forgot stakes, but found poles I could use in our shed.  Now we were all set!


The fencing was something I had forgotten to do in our initial set up.  As I saw the danger for my little seeds, I adjusted accordingly.  In life, don't we do that a lot?  "Wow, I didn't think that would be an issue!  I guess I'll have to change up my plan!".  And we do, and we move on.


Molly and I watered our garden those first few weeks before we ever saw anything come up.   And finally we saw the first sprouts.  In neat little rows!  Drew had touched our seeds, and they were finally coming up!  We saw them all peek out of the ground in different orders and rate of growth.  Accept the watermelons, where were they?  Everytime we checked, everything was making progress but the watermelon...they never did come up.  Why didnt' they grow?  We did all we should have for them. I guessed we'd never know.  Drew must have missed a few.

I remembered what I'd told Molly as I thought about those watermelon seeds.  We have to do all we can for the seeds, but its up to God to bring them to life.  I thought of some of the dreams I've had that never were realized, plans I've made but didn't work out.  I guess we can plant the seeds, do all the work that's for us on our end, but if it's not in God's plan, the seeds won't be brought to life, won't grow.  And sometimes we never know why, or find out later...

Back to the garden, the peas were getting really tall, flopping over!  Do they need a cage like the tomatoes did?  I looked it up--yes!  They are suppose to grow on a trellis!  What did I have for that??  I looked around in the shed again.  I could use the rest of my 3 foot chicken wire just stretched out between the rows of peas.  I got it all rigged up and the peas grabbed right on and grew tall!  More mid-game adjustments, but we were cookin' along!



Things were really starting to grow, it was fun to watch!  But Molly wanted to know when we'd get the vegetables?  "It will take time, dear.  You have to care for the plants, keep them watered, pull weeds from around them for a long time before you see any vegetables".  She didn't like that answer.  And in life, I don't either.  It can be hard to be patient, keep working without seeing any reward.  We get tired, discouraged.  But we have to keep the big picture in mind, where we are in the story.  This is just the middle, the end will come and we'll get our reward.  We just need to keep working...




And then the pumpkins really started to take off.  I thought everyone was just saying they "strangle" things out as an expression--no, they literally do!  Every few days I'd come out and pull the vines that were warpping around my tomatoes plants!  I started directing them in front of the peas, and up and over the fence.  Still no vegetables...



And finally, we got our first snap peas!  It was the first product out of our garden--and we were thrilled!


And the pumpkin vines continued to grow, now with bright yellow flowers.


We pulled out a few onions, but I think I let them stay in the ground too long.  They were getting tall and long in the back row, and I figured I'd let them keep going!  But they started to look droopy, and when I did pull them out, they were slimy.  I think they were actually green onions, shallots, not big ones.  So I should have gotten them out sooner.  I'll know better next year.  But I could use a few in our enchiladas .  And we couldn't resist pulling a few of the carrots. They really were orange!  And smelled like carrots!  But we decided we'd better keep them in longer.  The herbs were so nice to have for recipes.



But then one week, the peas started to turn white.  They resurfaced the parking lot behind our house, and the dust had settled on all the plants.  I tried to rinse the leaves of each plant, but the peas never recovered.  They withered and stopped producing peas.  I'm not sure what happened.  Some have told me peas just have a short season.  But, I wondered if the dust killed them.  We were disappointed. 


And as I mowed the next several weeks and saw the beautiful, flourishing garden all round those dying peas, I felt a familiar saddness.  It was just so striking, the death amongst the life.  For whatever reason, and without anything I could do, the peas were done.  After building a trellis, all the preparations we did for the peas, and they were just done.  I couldn't help but think of my Drew, and all the hopes and dreams we had for him.  All the "trellises" we built to support his life, and then he was just done. There was nothing we could do.  How out of place his death is amongst the life and energy of other children, his friends, still growing and developing.  I mowed and cried that afternoon as I made that connection, as I looked across my garden.  And I couldn't bring myself to pull them out.  The dried up pea plants stayed among the thriving garden until just recently...



Without the peas, we had a lull in our garden action.  Except to watch the pumpkin vines continue to grow.  And grow, and grow!  See Molly all the way in the back??


I thought back to those watermelon seeds that never came up, and I got it now.  There wouldn't have been room in my garden for both watermelon and pumpkins!  As I looked out at the vines which grew 10 feet or more into my yard,  I decided that was why no watermelon seeds grew.  God knew better than me, and He told Drew to skip those seeds, even if He knew it'd make us disappointed.  Because it would work better for our garden in the long run.   At the time, we didn't understand, but looking back I can see it.  Like many of my dreams and plans for the future, only God can know sometimes what will work out best for our lives, and He choices in His wisdom, not to bless the plans we've made in order to make room for other ones to grow.  I can be sad for not seeing watermelon this year, but thankful for the pumpkins that did grow.


Then finally we saw our first pumpkin, and some green tiny tomatoes starting to grow!  We couldn't help but pull a few carrots here and there as well, just to "check their progress"...


As we got deeper into the Summer, the tomatoes finally started coming too, and more pumpkins started to grow.  A few would start along the vines, but since they all were now outside of the fence, some would get eaten up or torn apart from animals. 


But if they managed to get big enough, tough enough, whatever animal that was trying to breakfast on them couldn't get through the skin.  One got pretty scratched up, but was strong enough to keep growing.  Now the scars tell the story of how it managed to survive, despite the odds.  In that pumpkin I saw myself.  A survivor, but not without scratches, scars.  But I will wear them proudly, to show that life tried to stop us, but we kept growing, just like that pumpkin.

 

And our tomatoes finally started to turn red!  BLTs with good, thick, Hormel Bacon (😉) and sweet corn from the corner stand made it taste like Summer around our house for several weeks!


We pulled enough carrots one day to have with our pot roast for dinner!



And we ended up with three pumpkins, growing, and orange-ing up!  We checked them out each day on our walk back from the bus stop, and watched in amazement their slow evolution from green to bright orange.


Finally it was time to cut those pumpkins off the vine we decided, to display them on our deck.  Our prize for the whole season of work.  To showcase the amazing process that took place from when we planted our tiny pumpkin seeds, to the huge plant they became, and the brilliant pumpkins that were produced.




We had a batch of tomatoes red all at once, and with some from my Father-in-Law's garden, last week we made homemade spaghetti sauce, and also homemade chili.





Maybe I've lost some of you with this post.  Not everyone is interested in gardening, I know.  But if you've made it this far, I hope you too have seen the story unfold as we did, with wonder.  How amazing it really is that our garden went from a few seeds in the ground and some straggly plants, to an overflowing, flourishing garden this summer.


And maybe you're with me in the symbolism so richly displayed.  I've learned a lot from my first garden.  Practically, that I should put my pumpkins somewhere else next year.  So they can have more room and to give the other plants space.  And in a related note, to space out my tomato plants more. I've learned to research plants first, build my trellis before I need it, if plants require it.  I learned to expect different growing seasons, that some plants have their lives spent earlier than others.  And my garden this year reinforced that preparation, planning ahead, working hard, being consistent and persistent, pays off.   But many times, you have to wait for it.  There will be weeks that all you do is work without reward, but it's coming.  The tomatoes do come, and turn red.  The pumpkins get bigger and slowly turn bright orange.  And carrots are doing their thing, out of sight, under the ground.  Just because you can't tell, doesn't mean they aren't growing, aren't making progress.  

As I prepared meals and side dishes from the fruits of our labor from this first garden, I hate to admit it, but I cried.  I know it sounds dramatic, and silly.  But all the work, the magic from God that caused our seeds and work to turn into the vegetables that I was turning into something delicious for my family, was just so beautiful.  It reminded me to not underestimate what God can do.  How much can come from something so tiny like a seed. 

It's sad, I think my generation as a whole has lost these skills I learned over the Summer.  We are missing the opportunity to gain these powerful insights because we're too busy to tend a garden, and make food from scratch. It is so much more convenient, and maybe even cheaper, to buy it from the store.  But, just like in life, there's value in the process.  It's not all about the bowl of chili in the end, but what you learned in getting it from the seed packages into the bowl. Somehow it tastes so much better because of the work that went into it. We appreciate it so much more if we had to earn it through our own labor.  And this summer, this garden was so worth all the work for what it gave us.  Not just in delicious meals and attractive front step displays, but in the wisdom, comfort, and hope that grew amongst the vegetables.  And we too have continued to grow through it, proudly wearing the scars we've earned, despite the odds.