As We Remember Him

Its funny how often we tell ourselves things will slow down "when..." When baseball season is over, once the kids get a little older, after the holidays are through.  But sometimes, it just doesn't slow down, the business only shifts. Changes direction, but still has you going from one thing to the next. This year has gone that way for us. I thought once our over-booked summer was over, things would settle down.  But they really haven't.

September turned out to be a busy month. In addition to settling into school and visiting my Aunt in upstate Michigan, we also held our month-long Warrior Wagons funding drive. Since our operation is spread over 2 states now, this year we thought outside the box.  We decided to try a remote fundraiser of sorts, more of a funding drive than a specific fundraiser. We asked our community to "Pull Together for Warrior Wagons" and team up with friends, family members, a business they own, or their work group to make a collective donation to Warrior Wagons that would help fund as many Warrior Wagons as we could.

Honestly, we weren't sure what to expect with this concept.  Would people be willing to take the extra step of coordinating a group contribution instead of coming to an event?  Well, the answer was a resounding "yes". And then God brought forward a group who was willing to put on an actual event in Rochester for anyone who still wanted that experience too!

September 28th we traveled back to Minnesota for the event that the Rochester Group of Thrivent Financial hosted, and to also attend a separate fundraiser one of our Warrior families was hosting, selflessly giving the proceeds to a handful of charities serving the local childhood cancer community, which included ours.

It was such a great day, without anything to do with dollars raised.  To have our whole Warrior Wagon team together, from all three of our branches was so great!  And to meet and spend some time with Warrior families, to chat with fellow cancer moms that I'd exchanged messages on Facebook with, but never met in person was worth the whole trip. There's a special bond among other cancer families. You feel an instant connection with people who have been through the same horrors you have. It's been a long time since I've felt that sense of belonging, and it was heartwarming.

Our Pulling Together campaign did just what we'd hoped it would: Unite people in the name of doing good. Get new people talking about Warrior Wagons and what we're doing.  And yes, bring in funding for more Warrior Wagons!  As we continued to receive donations in the first week in October, and tallies from events were finalized, we were amazing at our grand total. Just over $21,000! Wow. Amazing.  Enough funds for over 80 Warriors to receive a Warrior Wagon. God continues to provide for this project.



Even in the midst of the all of that, I somehow felt a nudge to explore what more I could personally do right here in our new community, and began to look into jobs at Molly's school.  I was about to start subbing in Austin before we moved, and I decided maybe I'd start there and see what part-time jobs might be available that would work with our family's schedule.  Lunchroom Supervisor came up.  It seemed like a perfect fit--only 2.75 hours a day from about 11-2, supervising lunch and recess.  I'd still have a little time before and after to get my work done at home and with Warrior Wagons and be home to get Molly on the bus and there when she got off.

Everything came together quickly, and I've been subbing for this position district-wide a few days a week since mid September. So far, I'm really enjoying it!

The time goes really fast, opening ketchup packets and milk cartons isn't so bad, and the students overall have been so delightful. Kids really do say the darndest things! I need to keep a notebook in my car, to write down funny quotes and interesting stories when I leave the schools. It seems each day there's something noteworthy that happened or was said.

Like one of the first days.  I was standing in the lunchroom, looking around at the kids.  Thinking, look at me, I'm doing this!  I was a little nervous about how I'd feel in a room full of kids, especially kindergarten--the age Drew would be.  I'm not feeling upset at all, I thought to myself.  But then I did start thinking about Drew, how big he'd be, what he'd be doing in a lunchroom-- would he be like that boy that can hardly sit still?  Or that one over there, sitting quietly eating his lunch.  That ache in my heart starting up again...But, I thought, I can still to do this!  Maybe it's okay to think about him, and feel a little sad, but still enjoy this job too.  It's like my motto in life, right?

Just as I was having this internal discussion, a little girl's hand shot up.  Shaking my head a little to snap out of it, I came over to her.  "Can you read this note to me?" she asked. I looked down at her note from Mom and it said, "Don't let anyone take away your shine!"  Wow, goosebumps.  For those of you who have been following this page, you know that's almost exactly the phrase a kind nurse said to Drew, and then to me, in one of our last visits to surgery.  I closed a commencement speech with that line the spring after Drew died. (speech can be found HERE)

What a perfectly timed, meaningful note.  A note from this girl's mother to her daughter, but it seemed to also be from my Father to His needing-reassurance daughter. Maybe from a heavenly son to his feeling-shaky mother? Someday I may find out...I fought tears as I continued on to more hands in the air asking me to open string cheeses and to be excused to the bathroom.  But I had a renewed confidence.  God and our loved ones really are with us, in the everyday places like elementary lunchrooms, and right within our thoughts...



So that brings us to the middle of October.  How is that possible? In addition to me starting this new job, Molly's started swimming again two nights a week at Stroke School.  She loves it!  But it adds one more thing to our week. As a family we still really enjoy our quiet evenings, but we're managing just one after school activity ;)

Yes, fall is in full swing, and with it, emotions have run high at times. The season itself is a difficult one for us (I've wrote about this season in years past, click HERE or THERE). But this fall is even more significant. This would have been the fall that Drew would have started school, and I still haven't taken the time to write about that.  Today's the day I guess!

I made it through Molly starting school in August without too big of a wave of grief crashing in.  Drew was never here, so somehow him not getting on the bus with Molly didn't have as much of a sting as I thought it would.

But when all of the kids in Austin went back to school the day after labor day, that was the day the wave crashed in. These were the kids I thought would be Drew's classmates. The school and classrooms I had pictured him attending, before I knew he'd never make it there. The Facebook Timehop photos of Molly getting on the kindergarten bus that same day was a cruel reminder of what could have been. My heart wishing I would have gotten the chance to see Drew do the same...

As I picked up my phone that day to swipe through the finite images I have of my boy, I came across this one of him in his backpack---not filled with crayons and notebooks, but a feeding pump and bag of formula. It was the day we went home after our initial 28 day hospital stay. Kind of the "first day" of the rest of his life.  The last of his life.  Look at how happy he looks...amazing in an of itself after what he'd already been through:

And not too far from Molly's look on her first day.  No, I didn't get to see my Drew start school.  He didn't get to ride on a school bus and wave to me out the window, but he got to ride in push cars with his IV pole beside him down the halls of St. Mary's, waving and blowing kisses to his favorite nurses.

He didn't get to finger paint with his friends, but with his child life specialist friends.

He may not have programs, or performances where I'd get see him up on stage and have that #ProudMom moment, but I remember feeling so deeply proud of my son many, many times in his last year.  As he laid perfectly still for CT scans.

As I watched him so gently, so compassionately, play with other kids in the hospital play room.  As he cooperated with nurses as they cleaned him up after getting sick all over himself, or changed his dressing, and he'd said thank you to them. And of course as he labored through too many tough days during treatment.

My baby may never have went to school the way other kids get to.  But he certainly got an education in real life. In medical procedures and medications.  In the meaning of persevering and enduring.

And he taught US even more.  About real life and persevering and enduring.  But also about living in the moment, choosing joy, and making the most of each day.  Lessons that will last a lifetime.

The season is really changing. Outside as the leaves are turning, and the crisp air has made its way here. Inside Becker house, the season is changing too. Next month we'll have gone as long without Drew as we had him with us. Molly is getting so big and independent, we really are entering a new stage of parenting with her. Add in me starting to work outside the home again, and we are definitely in new territory.

I'm getting further along on my grief journey as well, entering a new season there perhaps. Maybe in this stage I don't require as much contemplation and going over things in my mind, as notice I'm not taking the time to write nearly as often. Maybe I'm strong enough to go out and DO again, after I've already taken time to reflect and make as much peace in my heart as there can be. 

But even though the frequency of times I take a break, examine my heart and sort things out, I'm so thankful that when I do, I have such a supportive and encouraging community behind me here--old and new members :)

Seasons changing are always hard for me. But Drew is a part of it all. I can feel him, somehow, some way.

A poem I came across in a grief book I picked up recently perfectly summed up so much in our lives and hearts over the last 6 months:

"At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them. "

We remember Drew.

In each ordinary day, and in each season, we remember Drew.

In the happy moments, and in the missed moments, we bring him in and he is with us, as we remember Drew.

As we achieve so much in his name, because DREW achieved so much, we remember him.

As we figure out life in this new season, Drew is with us, as we remember him.

You are a part of us, as long as we live, as we remember you, our Drew❤