Let Nothing Dim Your Shine

Through the Grace and Spirit of God, I feel my speech went well last night.  I was fairly calm, and felt confident that Drew and God had this, and they'd help me bring their story into St Augustine's sanctuary.  Even though I know the few mistakes I made, and would have liked to not have my voice waiver with emotion at times, I'm happy with how it went.  I was glad to do it, so thankful for the opportunity.

The school is a smaller one, the graduating class included 14 students.  It felt so intimate.   The students and staff obviously were very close, and it was heart warming to see.  The group was filled with love, and it was wonderful to be a part of the night.  I graduated with over 350 students, so it was very different then my graduation in lots of ways. 

But in some ways the same.  The students were jittery with feelings.  Excited and nervous, hopeful and anxious.  But also reflective, and a bit sad, and maybe a little scared.  I recognized the emotions, not just from the memoires of my own graduation, but of so many different times in my life.  The balance of those emotions vary depending on the situation, but certainly the mix is a familiar one.  Even right now as we move into a new chapter ourselves after such a wonderful chapter that included Drew.

I had auditioned to give an address at my class's graduation over 10 years ago.  I was a finalist, and gave my speech to the deciding panel.  I wasn't selected, and remember feeling more than a little disappointed.  Being asked to give this address last night, I saw the prayers prayed over a decade ago be answered, and probably in even more grand fashion than if I'd have gotten to give my speech back then.  It gave me goosebumps to realize how God followed through with this ambition of mine.  And served as just another reminder that all things happen on God's time.  And how much better it is to wait for His plan.   I got to give my commencement speech after all, just not exactly how I thought I would.  A wonderful example of life walking with the Lord.

Here is the transcript of the speech God helped me write.  He helped me as I wrote it a few weeks ago, but also as our lives played out last year, giving me the lessons and experiences I needed to put it together.  I hope posting it here will continue to spread truth and help others to Chose Joy, and truly live during the hardships we all face in life.

Intro

I’ve heard it a lot this year.  “I don’t know how you do it”, “I can’t imagine”, or my personal favorite, “You are living every parent’s worst nightmare”.  When things don’t work out the way you planned, what do you do about it?  How do you respond? Adversity comes in many different forms and to each one of us.  It doesn’t have to be as dramatic as our story, but can be things like a hard break up, not getting the job you wanted so badly, dealing with difficult consequences from bad choices, or dealing with painful wounds from the past.  How do you not fall into the trap of being in a nightmare?  Last year from the outside, it certainly must have been hard to imagine how our lives could have had any joy, and maybe especially now, that Drew has moved on to Heaven.  But, believe it or not, we really did have the happiest moments of our lives last year, admittedly mixed in with some of the worst.  How is that possible?  How did we do it?  Well before this all started, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you, and in fact, I might have been the one saying those things to someone like myself.  And even during last year, there were times I was figuring it out as I went along.  But looking back, I’ve been able to narrow it down to a few conscious decisions and attitudes that my husband and I chose to take, which allowed us to truly enjoy our lives, even during one of the worst situations.  Tonight, I want to share with you what those choices were, so that you too can experience joy that goes beyond your circumstances.

1.

It begins with deciding to not let yourself become a victim in life.  I have come to firmly believe that you are only defeated when you begin to act defeated.  The night before we took Drew back home for the first time after the diagnosis, God helped me realize that we had a choice.  We could take him home and pout about the life we were missing out on.  We could be angry or resentful about what we were having to deal with while others appeared to have such easy lives.  But what good would those choices have done us?  I know now, we would have missed the last year we had with Drew, by being upset.  Instead, we resolved to live each day to the fullest. To choose joy when despair was so much easier. And to continue with an attitude that we were going to live our lives, and just fight cancer along the way. It was not going to define us. And with the strength of God, we did. 

What did this look like in practice? Well, he was scheduled to be in the hospital for his 2nd birthday.  So we took the party to him and reserved a conference room for a walking taco fiesta (which the nurses still talk about!).  He couldn’t be submerged in water over the summer.  Instead of swimming, we played in sprinklers and with water tables when we were home.  He got sick from chemo, and his feeding tube came up right before we were suppose to meet friends at the park. But while we waited in the ER to have it replaced instead, we toured an ambulance and ended up having a fun afternoon anyway.  We didn’t let cancer take anything more than it could from us.  I learned in the process that if you refuse to let circumstances get you down, you will truly live during life’s trials. 

And even now we have the same choice in the face of his death.  Drew didn’t die a victim of cancer, he didn’t “lose” his battle.   Even though I know that Christ ultimately has already won over death, I also know that Drew did too.  As I watched that boy get as much life as he could out of his little body, and smile even up until his last day, I know that cancer surely did not win.  And the way we live each day now proclaims that too.  We will carry on, we will do good things in Drew’s memory, and enjoy life.  We won’t let cancer claim our lives too, we refuse to be destroyed in its wake.  Cancer did not win, it will not get the last word. 

So live your life in that way too.  When disappointment and heartbreak come, don’t give away your power by letting something out of your control destroy you.  Choose to love again, and you will not be the victim of a bad breakup.  Keep applying and working hard, and you might find God has a better job for you than that position you wanted.  And if you are dealing with wounds of the past, it’s possible to truly live again through forgiveness, and be free from those that hurt you.  But it starts with the decision that you alone have the power to overcome. 

2.

It continues then, that you must move beyond your current feelings if you want to have joy during life’s trials.  Even if you’ve decided to take back the power from whatever challenge you face, we are still human.  And we all have emotions that are hard to ignore.  But we must, if we are to truly live during difficult times.  This culture and world today are so focused on how they feel.  What makes them feel good and fulfilled are the only things of value.  And what is too uncomfortable, too hard, must be avoided.  I’m telling you, you must not listen to this.  Note your feelings, consider them, but don’t be enslaved by them.  Sometimes what makes you feel good, isn’t the right thing to do.  There are times when the harder road is the one you need to take.  Don’t let fear hold you back, you can do things afraid.  It’s about trusting God.  That he is bigger than your fear.  That he understands your suffering and has a purpose for it, just as it was with Jesus.

 If I had acted on how I felt most of the time, our last year would have been the nightmare some pictured.  There were more mornings than I can count where I woke up in the hospital, on a cot next to Drew, SO tired.  Not just tired, but exhausted.  Physically, emotionally, "all the feelings".  But I got myself up anyway, washed my face, drank a whole lot of coffee ;), and followed Drew around the halls and played with him in the playrooms.  I wouldn’t trade those memories today for anything, but they wouldn’t have happened it if I had decided a needed some “me” time instead.  Or after we found out the cancer was back, and I felt so, so disappointed and scared.  But I deliberately tucked away the tears the next morning. Decided I'd save them for naptime, and took Drew and Molly to the park instead.  After watching them laugh and play together, feeling the warm sunshine and cool breeze, you know what?  Those tears weren’t there anymore by naptime to let out.  Or at the end, when it would have been easier to take Drew all over the country to find more options last December, but we chose to stop.  I would have felt better doing something, then surrendering him to God.  It didn’t feel good at all, and I was afraid again.  But I heard God telling me it was the right decision.  We didn’t know it, but Drew only had 5 weeks left when we decided to stop treatment and celebrate Christmas together and go to Disney World.  I am so glad we gave Drew the gift of those experiences instead of more time feeling sick in a hospital bed.  And we gave him that gift, and in turn the gift of those memories to ourselves and to Molly, because we didn’t let our feelings dictate the direction we took.

You can’t control what happens to you, and maybe even how you initially react.  But you CAN control how you respond, and there is a difference.  Move past your feelings and choose to make the most of each day.  So if you’re tired, disappointed, confused or broken hearted, that’s okay, but don’t stay there.  Rise above your feelings and do it anyway, work harder, and love, despite of.  Don’t wait until you feel better to do something, do something now and you will feel better.  That is the way to continue to move forward through the trials of this life.

3.

After you’ve resolved to be no one’s victim, and worked to move past your feelings, I’m convinced the last key to finding true joy in any circumstance is being thankful.  Consciously looking for things to be grateful for is a daily discipline that has the power to bring you true peace and joy.  And it really isn’t so hard to see these gifts in your day once you start looking.  As my Mom always told me, "yes, there is always someone who has it better than you.  But there is also always someone who has it worse."  If you can’t find that someone who has it worse, you aren’t looking hard enough.  When we choose to be thankful, something changes in us.  We acknowledge that there is someone higher than ourselves who gives us all things.  It shifts our focus from ourselves and our feelings, to the generosity and care of God.  Which, once you open that door, will flood your life with light. He cares and loves us so much, and it’s evident all around us.  It is a discipline, a daily practice of being thankful that brings true joy.  Because once we see all that we truly have, how could we not be joyful? 

Last year this truth was evident on a daily basis.  Once you’ve been stripped of everything that you knew in life, you begin to appreciate the little things.  As I sat in hospital rooms and watched children and families go through hard things alone, I appreciated my family and friends all the more.  When I hadn’t had my whole family together at home for weeks, I was thankful to hear all the voices together again (even if there was fighting a little fighting).  And in the end, when I was tempted to think we couldn’t be in a worse situation, a walk down the halls of the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit reminded me how much I still had to enjoy and be thankful for in Drew.  And even now, as I grieve the happy son I had, I am thankful for the memories that still remain in my heart.  That I got to really know the beautiful soul that lived in that little body for such a short time.  Some parents are denied that privilege.   Joy came to us, even through the pain and difficult times, because we choose to get to the point where we were thanking God for all He generously gave us.  And it certainly did not feel like we were living in a nightmare last year, even if to the world, we were.

Wrap up.

 There.  So now you know the secret, the “how I did it”, the cliff note version.  I’ve given to you from the knowledge we acquired at such a high price.  Take it to heart. Learn from our story.  It’s a way in my mind that Drew will live on.  That his suffering will have even more purpose—to help each of you get the most out of life too.  This process of: choosing to be no one’s victim, moving beyond your feelings, and looking for things to be thankful for in the face of adversity isn’t easy, but the joy it leads you to is worth the work.  So begin working on these skills now, before the stakes are high.  Trust me, it’s easier to take these practices to the next level, than be trying to develop them when crisis happens.  Pacelli has pretty good athletic program, right?  I’m sure you all know that you don’t show up on the day of a game or meet without training or practicing and expect to do well. I know after just completing a half, that you can’t just line up for a marathon without training and hope to finish with a good time.  It’s the same with life.  You can’t expect to handle the hard stuff of life with strength and grace, if you don’t practice the daily disciplines to build that strength and grace.  We all have bad days; can you follow this process so that you’re in a better mood by the afternoon?  Once you can turn a small thing like a bad day around, you are on your way to preparing yourself to find the silver lining in the big things, and experiencing true joy that goes beyond your circumstances. 

Concluding story.

When we went in to have Drew’s central line removed last December, which is the direct access into a major artery, Drew walked in with his usual swagger (swag?).  Flirting with and teasing the nurses, asking for his complimentary ice water, hot blanket and ipad.  As we waited for his surgery time, we first had to take care of business.  Do we give him a pre-med?  There are drugs to make kids a little loopy before going in for the procedure.  It helps if they are anxious or upset, but I found makes waking up a lot harder.  So, we skip it.  “Drew does so well without it, why give it and make him groggy later?” I reasoned.  The nurse agreed, “I love it, let’s not dim his shine!” she said, looking over at Drew’s beaming smile as he played on his ipad under his hot blanket sipping his ice water.  The nurse and I continued to chat,  “So…are you done with treatment then??”  See, usually this line isn’t removed until you are clear of cancer, finished with treatment, and moving on.  She was ready to help us celebrate!   I explained Drew’s cancer was actually spreading, and fast.  That we had made the decision to remove his line and stop treatment so we could go on our Make a Wish trip to Disney World, swim in the pool, ride all the rides, and get the most out of our time together.  Obviously, this wasn’t the answer she was expecting, she told me how sorry she was.  I agreed, it was too bad.  But I explained that yes, it isn’t the position we were hoping to be in when we removed the line.  But it’s where we are.  And just like we had done the whole year, we were going to choose not to pout about what we can’t change, and lose precious time, but enjoy each day.  The time came, and Drew was wheeled out, smiling and waving “see you later”.  As I went to leave too, the nurse pulled me in close, and with tears in her eyes said to me, “Don’t you let anything dim YOUR shine, either”.

I leave you with the same words today, and hopefully the principles you need to be able to do it.  Class of 2017, don’t you let anything, dim YOUR shine!  Good luck, and God bless.  Thank you.

~~~~

 And good luck to all the Seniors from communities all over this Spring!  May you find joy in whatever path God takes you.