"Didn't I?"

I'm starting another row again, and it's a rocky one.  I knew what was coming up to think about, to process from last year.  It was about now a year ago we were presented with research and statistics showing how much promise completing tandem transplants, two transplants back to back instead of just one, would provide towards curing Drew.  It was suppose to give him up to a 20% better chance of being alive in 5 years.  And everything seemed to line up so perfectly.  The timing of the research coming out, how strong Drew's body was despite what he'd already withstood, and we had the stem cells!  More than enough. Drew's collection was amazing and had given us more than enough to do both transplants.  And insurance got on board.  It seemed obvious this was the hand of God, working things out for Drew.  I remember feeling so confident, so hopeful.

The only thing was, they froze the 18 million stem cells in only two bags.  If we did it, we'd use them all since they couldn't separate the bags and refreeze any.  Which would limit our options should the cancer return.  So by doing it, we were banking on not ever seeing the cancer again. Because we all knew if we did, we would be in serious trouble.  These transplants are also very risky.  Life threatening complications were a very real thing to consider, and we'd be chancing it twice.  Would he even survive the treatments?  We put our faith in the statistics, the science, as well as in God that this was His plan.  And signed the papers.  Praying that we were doing the right thing.

Once again, I am feeling a little angry, confused, disappointed, and tempted to doubt.  Did we do the right thing?  So much for that extra 20% chance of cure, we didn't even get to finish frontline treatment.  Did we just put him through the pain and suffering of those transplants for nothing?  Why did God set us up so clearly to do the two transplants instead of the one, knowing we'd be out of options just weeks after they were complete when the cancer returned?  How could He have lead us on like that?  This part of our story was suppose to be the miracle, the hand of God in our story that saved Drew's life.  Instead, one could argue it was his doom. 

I kept a personal journal though all of last year. As we were praying over this decision a year ago, to do the double transplant or not, I wrote a prayer:

"Please God, let us make it through this treatment.  Have mercy on Drew, oh God, and let him live a full life on earth and serve Your Kingdom.  Let him experience the joys this world does offer--he's certainly experienced some of the suffering"

When I first read that last week, I had to put down the journal.  Thanks for answering that prayer God, I thought, as tears fell down my cheeks.   But I could feel Him asking, "Didn't I?  Look again.."  and I picked it up again.  We did survive the treatment, even through an infection while he was at his most vulnerable.  He did have mercy on Drew in so many ways.  So many things went right for Drew, even if some things also went wrong.  His life was full on Earth.  He got to do everything a little boy could ask for, even driving a real combine and going to Disney World. And boy, did he serve God's Kingdom.  I'd say there almost isn't a week that goes by that someone doesn't tell me how much Drew taught them, inspired them, and showed them about God or life.  And God generously gave Drew joy, and also us.  That was evident everyday.  He certainly answered that part too.

Once again, with the help of the Spirit, if I can sort through the lies, the initial emotional reactions, I  see that He did answer every part of that prayer.  And for whatever reason, He did lead us down that double transplant path.  He asked us to trust him then, and to continue to today. 

And there was other things gained during that time, even if it wasn't a cure.  Drew was the first to do the tandem transplants for Neuroblastoma at Mayo.  The medical staff learned a lot last summer.  They learned logistics of the drugs, the care, the time table.  We got to meet a whole new team of nurses, housekeepers, and PCAs in the transplant unit of the PICU.  Individuals who we learned a lot from, and who've told us how much they've learned from us, about not just medical things, but life.  We met families, brave children, fighting their own battles in that small, four roomed unit that I will never forget.  And our family learned to lean on each other, to appreciate one another.  The Beckers grew so much last summer, over those two transplants.  Yes, it cost Drew the most, but there was a lot gained, for him too, outside of his oncology file.

And I'm sure Drew has learned even more reasons why he was asked to endure those transplants without the outcome we were hoping for.  What the point was if it wasn't to save his physical life.  I truly believe he has seen it all, all the "whys" from last year, and maybe even those to come, and is completely at peace about it.  He now has an eternal perspective, and it's all okay.  I hold on to the hope that I'll be there someday too. 

And maybe using up those stem cells WAS part of the point.  To spare Drew the suffering further treatment would have meant for him, another way He had mercy on him.  A friend suggested that to me as we felt lost without options in December.  I may not have been in a place to fully appreciate that idea then.  Now, I can see the blessing for what it is.  You only need those stem cells in the first place because the body is so beaten down from chemo, it can't recover on it's own.  Doctors refer to the transplant sometimes as a "rescue".  Without them, harsh chemo was out of the question.  Maybe we should be thankful that we didn't even have the choice to put him through more.  Especially if we believe the outcome would have eventually been the same.  God closed those doors for us, and released us from the burden of having to make that decision.

God did answer our prayers.  He never abandoned us.  He will work things out for our good, just like He promises.  He did lead us down the double transplant path on purpose, and for many reasons.  Some we already can see, some that will be revealed to us when we join Drew and come into Glory.  So even though we don't quite understand fully, we will continue to trust.