A Living Hope

Our Drew would be 6 years old tomorrow, April 1st.

Six. About to finish Kindergarten. Probably learning how to read his first words, beginning to write his name, riding a bike, and having some friends of his own.

It's hard to imagine what he'd look like, or how he'd sound now. Or what our family would be like with an 8 year old sister and a 6 year old brother. How having four eaters at dinner or on our afternoon walk/bike ride would change things. How much louder things would be in the house right now, and how much less lonely it would be with his energy and cheer...

Birthdays have been the hardest for me since he's been gone. Holidays, the anniversary of his death, all are difficult, but there's just something about his birthday that stings so much worse. I think it's because it's a reminder of what could have been.

On April 1st, 2014, we held our precious son, the little brother that completed our family, and we never thought for a second that hey may not make it to his third birthday. We dreamed of watching him grow, cheering him on while he played soccer or maybe football. Of feeding him teenage boy-sized meals and proudly supervising him mowing the lawn. I was excited to smile as he headed out the door to prom, and wondered what he'd be when he grew up...

I've found that when the birthday comes and there is no child to blow out the candles, its not *just* missing the person. But it's also a painful reminder that all of the hopes and dreams that were born the day your child was, are dead too. Each birthday so far, the disappointment and frustration are reignited, along with the missing of our sweet boy. And it hurts so very much.

We only got to celebrate two of his birthdays with him...

And this will be the forth one that Molly will blow out his candle for him.

As more and more birthdays pass that were never had, its easy to feel like we are getting further and further from him. Nowadays, it takes being around a two year old for all of 2 minutes before we realize just how far past two-year-olds our family is. And in those moments, my baby seems a long, long ways away. It's hard not to be discouraged thinking about how much further away we will get before we are together again...

Coincidentally (or not at all), Drew's birthday falls right in the middle of Easter season. Just when the darkness of disappointment and heartache threaten to settle in, we are reminded of the only Light that can drive all of that out.

That because Jesus died and rose again, my Drewy is alive! Even though he died. We have hope, a real living Hope, that our sad story isn't over yet. When Drew's birthday causes us to mourn more than celebrate, we have Easter to quickly lift us up again. We are reminded that we can celebrate after all, because death did not win over 2,000 years ago, and it surely didn't beat Drew. Although we certainly feel the sting of death now, there will be a day when we ask, "Where, O death, is thy sting?" Hallelujah!


And maybe it isn't a coincidence either that Easter is the holiday falling right in the middle of this global pandemic. Maybe we all could use the reminder right about now of the living Hope we all can have. The reason we can celebrate, and not live in darkness.

I think many of us started off this time of social distancing and stay-at-home orders with energy and enthusiasm, running off adrenaline and the novelty of what was going on. But as the first days of the quarantine have turned into weeks, and it seems like this will be turning into months, I feel like a lot of us are starting to lose steam.

Many are grieving right along with us right now. We are missing our friends and family, our familiar routines. We realize we took for granted our sense of security, sanity, and maybe even our safety. We may be longing for the good ole days of going out for coffee with a friend without a second thought. We are disappointed that a vacation is postponed or canceled, or that a milestone or birthday may be celebrated very different than we had always pictured. Many are just plain tired of feeling restricted, trapped and overwhelmed.

But, there is good news!

There will be an end once and for all to all viruses, quarantines and the oppression we feel on Earth as it is now. Disease and death were conquered on the cross for all of time, we don't have to fight that battle again! How much different would this time of shelter-in-place feel if we lived like we believe that? If JOY was in our hearts instead of anxiety. If love and hope would pour out from our conversations and social media posts instead of warnings and anger and judgement.

I know it's hard. The Beckers are feeling it too. Missing our friends, wishing we would get to do the "lasts" and say our goodbyes before we move like we had planned. But as I think about Easter today, I am challenged once again to act on my faith and not my feelings. To allow my Hope to shape my behavior, not the negative. To be more thankful than resentful. To not let the negative have any power over me, living in the power of the Cross instead. How much different would things be if we all tried that?

I know one beautiful soul that was so good at doing just that. Who didn't let fear or frustration control him. Who almost literally sparkled with joy and love and hope. Who daily showed me what it meant to be more than a conqueror even when it looked like the deck was stacked against him. To make the most of each day, despite being quarantined in hospital rooms for weeks at a time. What a gift it was to have him in our family, even though it was for less than 3 years.

So in these first couple weeks of April, we are celebrating from home. We are celebrating our wonderful son and brother, and the fact that we will see him again. We are celebrating that even though we are in a time of a great deal of sacrificing, the ultimate sacrifice was made over 2,000 years ago on an old rugged cross that conquered disease and death and gave us eternal life.

And in the light of both of those things, even though sometimes we have dark hours or afternoons, I'd say the future seems pretty bright 😊

Here We Go Again...

We have news to share--our family will be on the move again! This time to the beautiful state of Colorado. Josh was offered a great opportunity within his company, Hormel Foods, at another subsidiary--Justin's Nut Butters.

It will be a change from the meatballs, sausage links, and Italian beef we've been enjoying from Fontanini, but we love peanut butter too 😉

He will begin as the operations director sometime in the next couple of months. I am so proud and excited for him! Josh is a smart, hard working man that I am thankful to have as my partner in this life. I'm grateful that his value is recognized in his company as well!

We knew the Chicago area wouldn't be our forever home, but we certainly are beginning the relocation process a lot sooner than we thought we would. With that said, we are all excited about this next adventure. Molly was on board from the start--excited at the idea of a new house and living in Colorado. Which is such a gift! She continues to show her bravery and strength, making so many transitions in our lives significantly easier by her positive attitude.

We keep being told how incredible living in Colorado will be--the scenery, the weather, the lifestyle--we're excited to see for ourselves! We have family and friends in the Colorado area already, which helps with the idea of moving 1,000 miles away. Molly is currently an only grandchild on both sides, so to have cousins around will be a welcome change, for all of us!

We will house hunting and visiting the area soon, which I'm sure will give us a little better picture of what this next chapter will bring. It's hard to imagine just looking at pictures and drawing on memories from visiting family! We are looking forward to exploring the area together--looking at houses and seeing communities as a family. More will come for sure on what this next part of our story will look like I'm sure!

But as with almost every big event or transition in life, there is sadness mixed in with the excitement too. We've only been in the Chicago area a short time, but we all have really enjoyed our time here. In a little less than 18 months, Chicago and it's charm have won us over. The city skyline always gets me as it takes shape in front of you as you drive toward the city.

Many of you know how excited I get about food, and this city has a lot to offer!  The pizza, and hot dogs; ice cream and popcorn! We've enjoyed all the treats.

    

       

And the people, like every community, have been the best part. From the beginning when the guy behind us picked up our bill at Dunkin Donuts after I forgot my wallet at home, we've been so blessed by the friendliness and kindness shown to us. We've really made some meaningful connections in our community--with classmates, neighbors, co-workers, gym buddies, ladies in my church group, and so many others.

Its hard to say goodbye so soon, as we just were getting comfortable again. Even though we have experience missing people yet finding joy, we'd rather not keep having to do it! We will miss so many! But, as Molly reminds me, we won't lose them as friends, we'll just add more from Colorado into our lives.

And I was only a few months into my full-time gig at the school being a Lunchroom/Recess Supervisor! I was just getting the hang of it, learning names of the kids, and feeling like I was making a difference. It's hard to walk away, feeling like I had more to give. But I know that God had me right where He wanted me for just the time He wanted me there. Saying goodbye to the students and my co-workers was harder than I expected, and I already miss their sweet faces and comradery! But I put my radio on the charger, and left with the notes and gifts I received on my last day knowing that someday, I'll get to see what happened to each of these students. And how I may have been even the tiniest part of their journey.

We've not only learned a new city and grown closer to new friends since October of 2018--we've learned a lot about ourselves and grown even closer to each other too. Moving is a big deal within a family. I found it to cause you to rely on each other more, and to trust each other in new situations. It leads you to develop a deeper connection with each other as you experience new things together. It also reveals things about each other, or brings to the surface things that may have been too easily put aside in a more familiar and comfortable setting. 

Good and difficult, our first move in 10 years have served to make us stronger together--ready for the next move! Us Beckers are at our best when we're facing a challenge together, and I'm feeling that strength as we prepare for what lies ahead.

What will happen to Warrior Wagons in Chicago? That was one of my first concerns when Josh came home with news of this opportunity. We have just gotten things going, and are really seeing the community come together to support the program at Lurie. I don't want to see it fade away! But, God was way ahead of us, as usual.

Two of our closest friends in the community have volunteered to keep Warrior Wagons going as Coordinators. And now with procedures and systems in place that keep things running smoothly without our physical presence at two other branches, we know it can be done here. As we share news of our move, many more have followed suit, expressing interest in being on our team here in the Chicago area. What a relief, and blessing to see God taking this from our hands, and setting it into others that care as much about our organization and our Warriors as we do!

There are a lot of emotions wrapped up in Warrior Wagons.  It's more than just a non-profit for us, but a living memorial to our son.  It's our tribute to Drew, and we are so, so thankful to see his legacy be brought into and grow in new communities. Passing on all the supplies into new hands, seeing all the Warrior Wagons lined up, I welled up with gratitude, with satisfaction, with awe at the beautiful way our prayers are being answered by God that Drew's life won't be forgotten. That more and more people will feel the impact of his short life.

And, unfortunately, we know there are children battling cancer all over the county.  Maybe this is another opportunity to serve a new set of Warriors, and share our story with another community! We are hopeful and excited to see how this move could serve to grow Warrior Wagon's reach even further.  And we love that it'll keep us connected, give us reason, to come back to each place that we've left a piece of our heart in Warrior Wagons ❤




So while I was initially kind of startled by the idea of moving again so soon, I really do see all of this coming together, and know that this is God's next chapter for our family. It's a familiar feeling of excitement and hope, but also reluctance and sadness about the good byes. I can feel myself being asked to trust and rely on Him each step of the way, which is familiar but never easy.

But I know He'll work all things out for our good. That He'll finish the works He's began in us, and will never abandon us on a road we chose to walk with Him down. I've learned that God doesn't keep you where you're comfortable. If you are truly willing to be used, He'll take you right where you'll be most useful--and it's a heck of a ride if you're up for it!

And you know? We've made the most of our time here. We haven't taken for granted the opportunities available to us. We made sure we visited family we were closer to. We utilized the two major airports to visit friends and family. We hosted families and holidays while we have the space. We've gone out and DONE more things than we used to. We've seen more things, had more experiences, and were intentional with our time while here in the Chicago area.

We took the train into the city, rode in a water taxi through the river, visited both Zoos, enjoyed a beach day on the lake during the summer, saw the City at Christmas time, took Warrior Wagons to new heights, ice skated on the Ribbon and played in the Maggie Daily Park downtown among so many other things...

Making the most of each day, being thankful for the opportunities you have, and seeking joy in everyday life are things that 2016 and our journey with Drew taught us. And what this attitude, this way of approaching life has given us, once again, is no regrets. Sure there's more things we'd like to do, places we'd like to visit if we had more time, but we're satisfied with all we've accomplished and done in the last 18 months. And just like at the end of our time with Drew, it makes saying "see you later" Chicago, and moving forward to Colorado, a whole lot easier...