Our Drew would be 6 years old tomorrow, April 1st.
Six. About to finish Kindergarten. Probably learning how to read his first words, beginning to write his name, riding a bike, and having some friends of his own.
It's hard to imagine what he'd look like, or how he'd sound now. Or what our family would be like with an 8 year old sister and a 6 year old brother. How having four eaters at dinner or on our afternoon walk/bike ride would change things. How much louder things would be in the house right now, and how much less lonely it would be with his energy and cheer...
Birthdays have been the hardest for me since he's been gone. Holidays, the anniversary of his death, all are difficult, but there's just something about his birthday that stings so much worse. I think it's because it's a reminder of what could have been.
On April 1st, 2014, we held our precious son, the little brother that completed our family, and we never thought for a second that hey may not make it to his third birthday. We dreamed of watching him grow, cheering him on while he played soccer or maybe football. Of feeding him teenage boy-sized meals and proudly supervising him mowing the lawn. I was excited to smile as he headed out the door to prom, and wondered what he'd be when he grew up...
I've found that when the birthday comes and there is no child to blow out the candles, its not *just* missing the person. But it's also a painful reminder that all of the hopes and dreams that were born the day your child was, are dead too. Each birthday so far, the disappointment and frustration are reignited, along with the missing of our sweet boy. And it hurts so very much.
We only got to celebrate two of his birthdays with him...
And this will be the forth one that Molly will blow out his candle for him.
As more and more birthdays pass that were never had, its easy to feel like we are getting further and further from him. Nowadays, it takes being around a two year old for all of 2 minutes before we realize just how far past two-year-olds our family is. And in those moments, my baby seems a long, long ways away. It's hard not to be discouraged thinking about how much further away we will get before we are together again...
Coincidentally (or not at all), Drew's birthday falls right in the middle of Easter season. Just when the darkness of disappointment and heartache threaten to settle in, we are reminded of the only Light that can drive all of that out.
That because Jesus died and rose again, my Drewy is alive! Even though he died. We have hope, a real living Hope, that our sad story isn't over yet. When Drew's birthday causes us to mourn more than celebrate, we have Easter to quickly lift us up again. We are reminded that we can celebrate after all, because death did not win over 2,000 years ago, and it surely didn't beat Drew. Although we certainly feel the sting of death now, there will be a day when we ask, "Where, O death, is thy sting?" Hallelujah!
And maybe it isn't a coincidence either that Easter is the holiday falling right in the middle of this global pandemic. Maybe we all could use the reminder right about now of the living Hope we all can have. The reason we can celebrate, and not live in darkness.
I think many of us started off this time of social distancing and stay-at-home orders with energy and enthusiasm, running off adrenaline and the novelty of what was going on. But as the first days of the quarantine have turned into weeks, and it seems like this will be turning into months, I feel like a lot of us are starting to lose steam.
Many are grieving right along with us right now. We are missing our friends and family, our familiar routines. We realize we took for granted our sense of security, sanity, and maybe even our safety. We may be longing for the good ole days of going out for coffee with a friend without a second thought. We are disappointed that a vacation is postponed or canceled, or that a milestone or birthday may be celebrated very different than we had always pictured. Many are just plain tired of feeling restricted, trapped and overwhelmed.
But, there is good news!
There will be an end once and for all to all viruses, quarantines and the oppression we feel on Earth as it is now. Disease and death were conquered on the cross for all of time, we don't have to fight that battle again! How much different would this time of shelter-in-place feel if we lived like we believe that? If JOY was in our hearts instead of anxiety. If love and hope would pour out from our conversations and social media posts instead of warnings and anger and judgement.
I know it's hard. The Beckers are feeling it too. Missing our friends, wishing we would get to do the "lasts" and say our goodbyes before we move like we had planned. But as I think about Easter today, I am challenged once again to act on my faith and not my feelings. To allow my Hope to shape my behavior, not the negative. To be more thankful than resentful. To not let the negative have any power over me, living in the power of the Cross instead. How much different would things be if we all tried that?
I know one beautiful soul that was so good at doing just that. Who didn't let fear or frustration control him. Who almost literally sparkled with joy and love and hope. Who daily showed me what it meant to be more than a conqueror even when it looked like the deck was stacked against him. To make the most of each day, despite being quarantined in hospital rooms for weeks at a time. What a gift it was to have him in our family, even though it was for less than 3 years.
It's hard to imagine what he'd look like, or how he'd sound now. Or what our family would be like with an 8 year old sister and a 6 year old brother. How having four eaters at dinner or on our afternoon walk/bike ride would change things. How much louder things would be in the house right now, and how much less lonely it would be with his energy and cheer...
On April 1st, 2014, we held our precious son, the little brother that completed our family, and we never thought for a second that hey may not make it to his third birthday. We dreamed of watching him grow, cheering him on while he played soccer or maybe football. Of feeding him teenage boy-sized meals and proudly supervising him mowing the lawn. I was excited to smile as he headed out the door to prom, and wondered what he'd be when he grew up...
I've found that when the birthday comes and there is no child to blow out the candles, its not *just* missing the person. But it's also a painful reminder that all of the hopes and dreams that were born the day your child was, are dead too. Each birthday so far, the disappointment and frustration are reignited, along with the missing of our sweet boy. And it hurts so very much.
We only got to celebrate two of his birthdays with him...
And this will be the forth one that Molly will blow out his candle for him.
As more and more birthdays pass that were never had, its easy to feel like we are getting further and further from him. Nowadays, it takes being around a two year old for all of 2 minutes before we realize just how far past two-year-olds our family is. And in those moments, my baby seems a long, long ways away. It's hard not to be discouraged thinking about how much further away we will get before we are together again...
Coincidentally (or not at all), Drew's birthday falls right in the middle of Easter season. Just when the darkness of disappointment and heartache threaten to settle in, we are reminded of the only Light that can drive all of that out.
That because Jesus died and rose again, my Drewy is alive! Even though he died. We have hope, a real living Hope, that our sad story isn't over yet. When Drew's birthday causes us to mourn more than celebrate, we have Easter to quickly lift us up again. We are reminded that we can celebrate after all, because death did not win over 2,000 years ago, and it surely didn't beat Drew. Although we certainly feel the sting of death now, there will be a day when we ask, "Where, O death, is thy sting?" Hallelujah!
And maybe it isn't a coincidence either that Easter is the holiday falling right in the middle of this global pandemic. Maybe we all could use the reminder right about now of the living Hope we all can have. The reason we can celebrate, and not live in darkness.
I think many of us started off this time of social distancing and stay-at-home orders with energy and enthusiasm, running off adrenaline and the novelty of what was going on. But as the first days of the quarantine have turned into weeks, and it seems like this will be turning into months, I feel like a lot of us are starting to lose steam.
Many are grieving right along with us right now. We are missing our friends and family, our familiar routines. We realize we took for granted our sense of security, sanity, and maybe even our safety. We may be longing for the good ole days of going out for coffee with a friend without a second thought. We are disappointed that a vacation is postponed or canceled, or that a milestone or birthday may be celebrated very different than we had always pictured. Many are just plain tired of feeling restricted, trapped and overwhelmed.
But, there is good news!
There will be an end once and for all to all viruses, quarantines and the oppression we feel on Earth as it is now. Disease and death were conquered on the cross for all of time, we don't have to fight that battle again! How much different would this time of shelter-in-place feel if we lived like we believe that? If JOY was in our hearts instead of anxiety. If love and hope would pour out from our conversations and social media posts instead of warnings and anger and judgement.
I know it's hard. The Beckers are feeling it too. Missing our friends, wishing we would get to do the "lasts" and say our goodbyes before we move like we had planned. But as I think about Easter today, I am challenged once again to act on my faith and not my feelings. To allow my Hope to shape my behavior, not the negative. To be more thankful than resentful. To not let the negative have any power over me, living in the power of the Cross instead. How much different would things be if we all tried that?
I know one beautiful soul that was so good at doing just that. Who didn't let fear or frustration control him. Who almost literally sparkled with joy and love and hope. Who daily showed me what it meant to be more than a conqueror even when it looked like the deck was stacked against him. To make the most of each day, despite being quarantined in hospital rooms for weeks at a time. What a gift it was to have him in our family, even though it was for less than 3 years.
So in these first couple weeks of April, we are celebrating from home. We are celebrating our wonderful son and brother, and the fact that we will see him again. We are celebrating that even though we are in a time of a great deal of sacrificing, the ultimate sacrifice was made over 2,000 years ago on an old rugged cross that conquered disease and death and gave us eternal life.
And in the light of both of those things, even though sometimes we have dark hours or afternoons, I'd say the future seems pretty bright 😊
We love you all!
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