But I wouldn't be telling the whole story if I didn't say that I had some reservations about the award too. Of course it's always nice to be recognized for the work you do, but when the work is based on such a personal tragedy, it's sometimes hard to celebrate the achievements. In my mind, it really was Drew who was outstanding. He maintained such a great attitude and trust while he endured, suffered, and eventually died, and my heart has a hard time receiving an award for myself. I'd much rather just have him back and have none of this ever happened to us...
And knowing that much of the recognition is due to Warrior Wagons, I certainly don't want to appear to be taking all the credit. Not only within our family, but in the community. I am just one of many who are outstanding and deserve an award for the work being done in South East Minnesota for the brave Warriors going through treatment for pediatric cancer.
But I know it's good for Warrior Wagons. Making more people aware of what we all are doing at Mayo Clinic is a good thing. I hope it raises awareness about pediatric cancer in general, and its impacts on families just like ours. And it always makes me happy when more people hear our story, and know that there was a little boy named Drew, and just how was amazing he was. And just as importantly, how amazing GOD was, and still is!, when we trust Him through the trials of this life.
So I got myself an outstanding dress to wear😉, and we went up to the ceremony in Minneapolis! It was a wonderful night, one that was emotional, meaningful, and that I'll remember forever.
On our way up north, we stopped in Austin briefly. It was a quick visit--just overnight, less than 24 hours. But long enough to see a few familiar places and faces (wish we could have seen SO many more faces!)
I was so happy to know my way around, have memories from almost every street corner fill my head and heart, and get a Caribou coffee!! I stopped in to a friend's annual craft show, and almost cried when someone called my name. People know my name! That's one of the biggest things I'm still getting used to--not knowing anyone at the grocery store, or Walmart. Going to the dentist's office or library and not running into anyone I recognize. I know not all enjoy that, but I do. And it was such a wonderful feeling to be known again!
As nice as the short visit was, it reminded me that we don't have a home there anymore. Molly expressed some nervousness about seeing our old house when we passed through, and I felt the same way. We did drive by, and it did hurt as we had expected, to realize that other people were living in our old home. Seeing our old friends, being in some of our favorite places felt great--but not the same. It will never be the same. A familiar realization...
Bur new house is definitely starting to feel like home. After the 6+ hour drive last week, I felt that familiarity/homecoming feeling as we drove into our subdivision, and down our street. But we are still filling this house with memories, which I think is what really makes a home. Still hanging our mementos and keepsakes on the walls, getting the place a little more "lived in". We're definitely making progress, but it's still new after only two months. Feeling the shift in Austin, yet not quite through the transition period in Chicagoland yet, has left me feeling a bit "home-less".
And Christmas season being in full swing doesn't help. All these songs and commercials talking about "home for Christmas" rubs salt into this fresh wound. This year most of my family is coming to us. And even though it's great that we don't have to travel, it means I won't be going "home" to my parents house in Iowa this year for the first time in my whole life. Home for Christmas--what does that mean? This year, I'm not so sure...
And the sentiment that home is where your loved ones are--which I have even repeated--hurts right now too. "Christmas is about being with those you love--that's all that matters" everyone and everything seems to say. But what if all your loved ones aren't with you, and some are never coming back? What if you are trying NOT the think of the many, many Christmases you will have to endure without a piece of your heart? I know too many other families who are in this same place.
And another family joined the unfortunate group last week, as one of our brave Warriors joined Drew in Heaven. It stabs deep each time we learn that of one of the families we serve have lost their child. The sympathy and empathy we have for the family, that I have for that poor Mother who had to say goodbye so close to Christmas, is great. It also obviously causes us to recall our own experience, and all the emotions that go with it.
And I know we aren't the only ones with mixed feelings at Christmas. There are many others that won't be with the ones they love this season. Christmas morning will come without the children that are so desperately wanted in many households. All the romantic sentiment during the holidays will be a painful reminder that the a soulmate is yet-to-be-met for some. Too many may be with their loved one physically, but the mind of that special person is drifting away quickly due to disease. Families which are separated by seas, borders--or who maybe are just across town, but separated by a deep sea of bad blood, will have more than a little sad mixed in with the joy this Christmas. And even for the families that travel just didn't work out this year, and there's a chair empty at the dinner table, there will be some regret at the absence.
What about all of them?
All of this about home and about hurt was filling my head last week as I stood over my sink, tears falling into my dish water. I was beginning to be overwhelmed, asking God why it had to be so hard all the time. Why even the happy times, "the most wonderful time of the year", had to be so painful for too many. Why there has to be so much disappointment in this world. Wishing I could enjoy this season without so much of the sorrow. And then I heard a familiar whisper in my heart telling me, those things aren't what this season is about...
But in fact, its about God's answer--His solution--to all of these hurts! It's about the Hope that was born 2,000 years ago. Hope for those yearning for Home. Hope for the broken hearted. Hope, in the form of a precious baby boy that caused the Heavens and Earth to sing for joy--that is why we celebrate.
Because God himself came into this world as a person--a real person--born of a woman like all of us, to suffer and die, so we can have Hope that there will be more than this disappointing life. God sees, and the Bible tells us he counts, every one of our tears. And in response, He sent his Son into this world to save. To redeem. So that someday we could be HOME with Him at Christmas. Along with all our loved ones again. That's the good news for all of us!
I smiled. It is good news, the best news! My heart seemed to smile too. It makes me want to "go tell it on the mountains"!! Jesus Christ is born. There is hope for all of us!
But Christmas is still difficult after the loss of a child, even when you get a divine reminder of the big picture. Everyday is a battle, to embrace the joy and remember the Hope. My heart still aches to see my little boy dressed up on stage at a Christmas program, as I scroll through my Facebook feed and see everyone else's. I want to hear both my kids' excitement as they search for the Elf each morning. As I helped Molly with her Christmas tree school project, I wonder how Drew would have decorated his tree...
Seeing Molly with Santa this year was a gift. She hasn't ever been a fan, and has refused to see Santa in the past. So instead of a kid-crying-with-Santa photo, we've steered clear and just sent a list with our Elf. But this year she said she'd go. She wrote a letter with her list and hand delivered it as she sat beside him. I was so proud and tried very hard to be in the moment, soaking up the magic of a little girl meeting Santa and still believing.
Yet when I looked through the photos later, I couldn't help but think about who could have been there with her, but wasn't. Drew was never afraid of Santa, and I have several pictures of him with the big guy:
It's hard not to think of what Drew would have wanted for Christmas, as I buy gifts for Molly. Would he still be in to Paw Patrol? Still have his tractor obsession? Once again I got him something John Deere. Last year I decided that might be my tradition, away I could still buy something for my boy. This year I got a green gator ornament, that I know will be a special addition to our tree.
And putting up the tree this year was easier, but the meaningful ornaments still brought tears. I have a feeling they always will, and I'm okay with that.
But along with the difficult feelings, I am given Hope in the everyday this season too. I have a pretty grand tree in my entry at this new house, if I do say so myself. When we walked through the house I knew I wanted a tall tree right in the foyer. It's beautiful. I absolutely love it.
I pause and stare when I walk by it and as I go up the stairs. I sit in the front room and just look at it with the lights out at night. I can't believe it's my tree! And it came to me one night as I sat in it's glow admiring it--this awe I have for my new tree is just a glimpse of the wonder and awe that awaits us all in Heaven. Its the feeling we all will be engulfed in for Eternity. Wow, how hopeful that thought is. And it also gives me a taste of what my Drew is feeling, not just at Christmas time, but every day, in God's Heavenly Kingdom. Which is such a wonderful comfort. Certainly a reason to feel better during this difficult season.
So as you gather with family--or maybe not; if you are at home--or in a place that doesn't feel like home; if your heart is full--or if it's broken this year; remember it's the Hope given to us when Jesus was born that we are really celebrating. It's okay to be sad, but it's also possible to have joy and peace in your heart too. We can sing Joy to the World, as tears stream down our faces together. Because that is what this season is all about. Onto US a child was born. Come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord.
Merry Christmas, from our family to yours!
