That Smell...

Yesterday, Molly was fussing about the "sticky goop" left on her knee after she took a Band-Aid off as pulled out of the Walmart parking lot.  I told her we'd have to scrub it off later, when we were home.  Then I remembered, I probably had those adhesive removing wipes from our dressing change supplies for Drew's central line still under the passenger seat! It was an emergency bag of supplies we had put in the van last year, just in case we needed those very important supplies.  Yep!  There it was.  Fumbling through the bag...my heart just sank.  The swab caps, the heprin syringes, the sterile gloves and masks...oh Drewy...I handed her back the wipe, and then the smell found my nose.  That smell of the adhesive removing wipe.  So crisp and strong.  It brought me back--Drew back--instantly. Week after week last year we changed that dressing.  He'd sit so patiently and watch Wheel of Fortune while Josh and I gloved and masked up to do the job.  It was quite a job, and I guess now I know I'll never forget the smell.  It used to amaze me how many supplies were used and how much of an aftermath there was.

Smells are so powerful.   And I think I knew that.  Most of us can recall memories based on smells, smoke from a grandparent's wood furnace, fragrance from mom's favorite flowers, savory smells from the kitchen on Thanksgiving.  And this is the same, but so much more.  I crave his smell.  I think I'm crazy sometimes going through blankets and his clothes just wanting smell him again.  As we walked in the door the day he died, I immediately put his blanket and animals and pillow case into the washer.  That last week, he didn't smell like himself. I knew it there, and I couldn't wait to wash off that awful, awful smell of death from my baby boy's things, and never smell it again.  But in doing that, I lost his smell too.  Maybe one corner still smelled like him...I'll never know.

As I saw how much that adhesive remover smell got to me, maybe that's why I haven't found his smell yet.  The Lord knows I'm not strong enough right now to handle that tidal wave of emotion when I get his smell in my nose again.  But I have hope, that someday I'll come across something...a forgotten coat, an emergency shirt tucked somewhere I've forgotten, that will have his scent on it.  Until then, I'll know that someday I won't just find something of his with that smell, but can actually smell him again!  The nape of his neck, his breath, his hair, all of him!  I just wish I didn't have to wait a lifetime to do it...

Yesterday I also made a trip to Rochester to drop off another set of Warrior Wagons.  We received 11 beautiful quilts from a couple members of Josh's family who are a part of a quilting club.  They look so wonderful next to the colorful towels in the Wagons. 

I'm so happy with what we are doing, so honored to be able to give, to help, those who I know need it so much.  It's always uplifting to see nurses and doctors, and even my buddy Mary the house keeper at St Mary's.  It was a wonderful morning, as usual.  At the same time though, I was continuing to feel the sting from that wipe's smell.



This is how it's been going inside for me lately--so much going on at the same time.  Longing for what was, enduring nearly constant missing of my boy.  In the car, around the house, outside as I look at the sidewalks he walked so many times up and down pushing that shopping cart.  At the parks we go to, the grocery stores, and the library.  There are very few places that don't hold a memory of Drew around this town.   But then I can be happy at the same time too.  I can enjoy my new Y classes, smile as I watch Molly getting better at riding her bike.  Enjoy cooking and baking again.  Have fun with my friends on someone's deck in the warm weather.  It's all going on at once, yet they both are very real.  It can be exhausting, and confusing.  I feel crazy sometimes.  I can tell I've been scatter brained.  More moody with my friends.  More impatient with Molly.  Short with Josh.  Some days I just want a break from it all.  To be ordinary again, "just" a stay at home mom, with two little ones to raise.  Wish God would have just chosen someone else for this difficult life we've found ourselves in.

I'm sad to realize we are more used to missing him now, then him actually being here.  It's starting to feel normal without Drew, and I hate it.  As soon as I recognize the casualness of our daily life without him, my heart just screams at me inside.  Do you even remember what it was like to get two ready to go??  How do you not even think to go to the back seat anymore to buckle him up, get a cart to push him in at the store, or get the stroller ready for a walk?  Remember those de ja vu moments I've talked about before where I feel panicky looking for Drew, realizing he's not there, wondering where he is for a spit second before my heart remembers?  I haven't had a moment like that for a while.  It's almost switched to these moments when I realize how adapted we've become to life without him, and resent that.  My heart is accepting what's happened, and is mad about how the rest of us have just gone along with it.  Good days turn sore quickly when I realize how nice of a day it's been despite Drew's absence. 


I do have things to focus on, to still the chaos inside, giving me a break.  After my half marathon was done, I've now been working on my speech.  As I said before, I am giving the commencement address at Pacelli's High School's commencement ceremony.  The ceremony is tomorrow night, Wednesday the 7th.  I've been practicing the delivery the last few days.  Once again, I'm seeing how different writing is than speaking.  Its a different muscle so-to-speak.  One I used to flex a lot, but can tell I haven't for a while!  It's coming back though and its nice to get back at it. 

I'm so honored to be asked, and really want to make the most of this opportunity.  It is another whole audience that I can share from Drew's life with and the lessons we learned last year which hopefully they can take it with them in their lives.  His life can reach even more, and have even more purpose.  I can be proud of what he accomplishes in other's lives, even after he's moved on to Heaven.  I know how privileged I am to be able to share the experience of Drew's hardships and suffering. It's really his and God's story and wisdom I'm sharing, I'm just the messenger.

Even though I'm happy with this honor, I'd turn it down in a heartbeat if I could just have my Drew back.  All of the attention, gifts, considerations are nice sometimes, but in the back of my mind I would always just rather not be so special.  Another bereaved cancer mom has a way of saying it--I'm sad for the WHY.  Today, it seems I'm just so sad for the why.  That smell just opened up the deep wounds in my heart again, and it feels so fresh.  I just wish I had him smiling at me again.  See him watching the garbage truck at the window with Molly, in the chair here bugging his sister, or sitting at my dinner table again...

But I will be okay.  God will help me weather this storm, just as He has every time before.  I am comforted to know that at least Drew isn't suffering anymore.  He doesn't feel any of this pain.  He's not missing us like we're missing him.  We will all be together again, and I hope it feels like we were only apart for the blink of an eye.


The ceremony is at 7PM tomorrow night.  Please be praying for it to go well.  For minds and hearts to be open to the message, for my nerves to stay under control, and that God would be glorified, and that I could make Drew proud.