New Beginnings

It was a busy weekend!  We started our Spring Break week watching the Cyclones play in the Big 12 Basketball tournament.  There are more than a few Iowa State fans up here, and we got together with some to watch the games.  The Cyclones won it all, and it was fun to see.  Molly had a pretty good time too.  She is enjoying being more social these days.

We also made progress on Drew's room, got that wall put together that I've been working on next.  I really like how it turned out.  It takes up the wall where his name was above his crib, so it's a pretty special space.  I like how we kept the name there and displayed the hand print plates, and molds that him and Molly did on our vacation in Florida.  I ordered a canvas print of one of my favorite pictures that Lynne of "PORTraits by Lynne" took of Drew during the Santa visit in December.  It perfectly captures his awestuck expression as he gazed at Santa, and the baby touches of his binkie and blankie make my heart melt.  I laid his blankie and favorite animals on a shelf we already had below it.  The top of the dresser is the perfect place for his Urn, close to all of his favorites, resting in about the spot where he slept.  Its just what I was trying to create, and makes the space an even more inviting place to sit by myself in the mornings, in the presence of God and I like to think the spirit of my precious boy.

Before we had company over to watch the game Saturday, Molly and I cleaned.  Every time I have gotten to the kitchen I just can't bring myself to clean off the sliding glass window.  Where pictures and scribbles in window chalk from the hands of Molly and Drew still remained.  It quite literally was some of Drew's last marks on this house.  The last piece of art that Molly and him worked on together in his short time on earth.  If I clean it off, it's just one more thing that's gone forever.  But this time, Molly pushed me to let her clean it off.  I told her honestly, it just makes me sad to think that we are washing off Drew's scribbles, something he did with you before he was gone.  She said, "it's okay, we can take a picture of it.  Besides his scribbles don't even look like a picture, they just look like a mess" (spoken like a true big sister).  So I did it, took a picture and then wiped it off.  He'll always have his "marks" on us, and this house, whether I wipe off the scribbles or not. 

This week there seemed to be a lot of moments like that.   Where we wiped off some of the feelings of sadness from Drew's death and could see clear again.  At those times, I could feel us emerging as our new selves.  Where I could see through the fog of missing Drew and experienced a few moments where I almost forgot about being sad.  The three of us laughed and had inside jokes, and I felt like we clicked, like we fit together again.  But as soon as I realized it, I immediately felt awful.  How can it feel right, feel okay, without Drew?  How can we just move on and leave him in the dust, clean off the scribbles and enjoy the sunlight through the glass??  What would he think of us just acting like he never existed??  These pictures we took of the 3 of us was a big reality check.  These are our family pictures now? And we look so happy??  I realized that these accusations aren't from God, or from Drew either.  It is so unfair how difficult it is to feel good in the first place, and then once you do, struggle with feeling guilty about it.  After thinking about it, I decided if it feels like the enemy is so relentless, I must be on the right track.  I must be gaining some ground, making some headway in God's plan for me if the opposition is so determined to derail me. 

 

And when we do enjoy ourselves now that Drew is gone, that doesn't mean we love him any less.  If we refuse to move on, and cling to what was, that doesn't prove to him, to God, or ourselves, how much we love him.  And I say "love" as opposed to "loved".  Because we still do.  I love him as much as any mother loves their baby.  Sometimes I think even more so, because when you watch someone you love struggle and endure pain like you can't imagine, your love and respect for them grows so deep.  He took my breath away with his strength and love, and it inspires me everyday to push through my own pain.  Nothing can change that.  Maybe it proves we love him even more, because we are going to honor him and carry on how he would have wanted.  All that he withstood, was not so we could waste the rest of our lives being sad about it.  We can draw from his example to choose joy, even when we are in pain.  When our situation is so difficult.

I think time will help too.  It won't feel as wrong to enjoy our family of 3, when the memory of our family of 4 isn't so fresh.  Once I begin to accept that this Becker family of ours now, is the one that God knew we'd be all along.  We may have thought that we'd have a girl and a boy and watch them grow up together, but God knew His plan for our family only included Drew for less than 3 years.  He has big plans of us Beckers still, I am sure.  And now we just have a super enthusiastic cheer leader in Heaven, who I hope we can make proud of us each day.  He was sent to inspire, to spread joy, love, and truth, and to plant seeds that now our job is to care for so they grow and produce fruit.  And we can't do that if we stubbornly refuse to accept our new reality.

Through His word, God reinforced these thoughts to me this morning.  Isaiah 43:18-19, "Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past.  Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it?"  Why shouldn't I dwell in the past?  Because we'll miss what God's doing today.  I know I'll for sure still have sad days.  Days where I am reminded of the past, and ache for my son.  But I think the key He is trying to tell me is not to let that distract me so much that I am left unaware of what God is doing in the present.  Pray that I can have that balance, that I can continue to hear God's voice and encouragement as we move forward.

Molly and I made my Dad's favorite bars this weekend for the game.  I'm not sure what they are really called, I grew up calling them "Dad's favorite bars", and they taste like home to me.  It's been a while since I've made them, which made them taste even more amazing.   Molly helped, and actually did help this time!  Making new memories with her, and pretty sweet ones at that :)

Keep praying for us.  For our hearts and for our minds as we try to focus on the truth.  As each day takes us further away from our memories of Drew, but also one day closer to being reunited with him again.

~Heidi