A Golden Birthday

Golden birthdays. Another thing I think by God's design Drew got to experience.  Since he only got two birthdays, I'm thankful he got that special one too.  I remember thinking it was too bad that it wasn't when he was older and could have knew what was going on.  Now I'm just grateful he was alive for it.  I'm kind of a nut about birthdays.  Josh thinks I'm a little over the top--but its the one day that is all about YOU!  So I've done my best to make the kids' day special too.

We woke Drew up with a balloon.  Kids love balloons!  I think Molly was more excited than he was, but Drew being Drew, was just excited if everyone else was!

I love that he's in that sleep sack still.  I am a big believer in swaddling, and at 1 year old I still had him in something.  We used to call it his "bag".   And look at him eating.  I know it's nothing unusual.  But I spent the whole last year of his life not seeing him ever really eat.  At the beginning of treatment he would "recreationally eat" I called it.  French fries and cookies and pickles.  But since he probably felt full with the feeding tube, he didn't need to eat.  But I do remember him sitting in that high chair.  Taking down eggs, toast, a banana, and strawberries all at breakfast.  My kids are good eaters!  I remember having to adjust my cooking to add more servings. In a way I'm glad to not have to adjust back now.  I mean I did at one point, and that was hard, but its not a 3 times a day reminder that I'm not feeding one of my kids because one's not here. 

Then we met his "friends" at McDonald's for lunch.  Okay it probably was mostly my friends and their kids, but for a 1 year old, I think that's okay.  Again, he definitely had no idea what was going on, but loved every minute of it!

Then that evening we did our own gifts to him, and I baked him a Golden birthday cake.

I love the progression of him eating it here.  He never did like to get his hands dirty, we had to encourage him to finger pain and he'd want to clean his hands off right away. 

I'm so glad to have these pictures.  To look back and remember life before cancer.  Sometimes I forget there even was such a time.  When I had two little ducklings, one in each hand, going to the grocery store, or Walmart, or the park, and we didn't have a care in the world.  Just dreaming about the future, about what we would do together as they got older...

On second thought, I didn't act like I didn't have a care in the world.  If someone had an ear infection, or wasn't napping well anymore, or had trouble listening, I was a mess.  I couldn't wait to get done with the baby years, and be able to actually DO stuff again.  I hate that I didn't enjoy every day I had with him.  That I took those two years for granted when he was a healthy, curious, and energetic little toddler.  That I didn't take him to the park whenever he asked.  Sit with him a little longer before putting him to bed.  Let him sleep on me instead of always laying him down for a nap.  It's easy to look back and say I was carefree, that the grass was greener before cancer. 

But the truth is, there were moments last year with cancer that I was happier, experienced greater joy, than I did before it.  I did start taking him to the park on nice days.  I did let him watch the tree being cut down across the street instead of napping, or push that super annoying little cart at HyVee.  I held him and was more patient with him and Molly both.  Why does it take crisis to realize what's important?  Why do we have to experience the bad before we appreciate the good?  It would serve everyone well if we'd somehow get this on our own, not have to learn it the hard way.

This is the good I know has come through Drew.  Not just myself, but so many in my life have grown in our faith, gained a greater perspective, and increased our joy in life.  Its just too bad that it had to cost us so much.  That it was at the expense of this little sweet boy's life.  That is why I feel I must never lose this new way to live.  Never forget to look for things to be thankful, to live life to the fullest, and to chose joy even in tough circumstances.  If I could do those things while I watched my two year old son fight one of the most aggressive cancers and ultimately take his last breath, I surely can do those things through anything that comes next in my life.  I pray that I can have the wisdom and self discipline to do so!

This is also why it's impossible for me to act like he never existed.   Since it's because he existed that I am the Heidi Becker I am today. He's so much a part of who we are now, of why we are the way we are, that every day is testament to the life he lived.  I think that's what I'm afraid of as we start to live our lives again.  That it'll seem like we've forgotten him.  I just need to remind myself of all of this, and know that he will never be forgotten because he lives on in us and through us.  And then there will come the day when I get to see my baby boy again.  Because he really isn't gone at all.  He's just somewhere else.  A much better somewhere else.  Where he's running and playing and discovering and laughing without any of the bad stuff.  What a glorious day it'll be when I get to be with him again.  I'll go to the park with you everyday Drewy!