Drew Turning 2

Who would have guessed where we would be in life when Drew turned two.  It was a hospital week a year ago.  I'm not even sure why, I could look it up.  It was between chemo cycles, but we were trying to resolve a line infection I think.  My Aunt was staying with him.  I've felt bad that I wasn't with him the entire day.  That someone else watched him go to bed a one year old and wake up a two year old.  But it was following a lot of time in the hospital.  Like, 52 days with only a 4 day break in the middle.  So if we had someone willing to stay with him, we took the break.  And Drew didn't mind.  He seemed to enjoy someone new with him. 

Anyway, I wanted to have a party, so I talked to Child Life and reserved a conference room.  The moms and I planned the food and between us we had a walking taco party!  We invited the staff to join both of our families.  Individual bags of Doritos, a Crock pot full of taco meat, and bulk amounts of tomatoes, lettuce, sour cream and salsa made for a great party.  And cupcakes!  It was a fun time, Drew loved the attention and the excitement. 

Oh that shiny bald head. If I try hard enough, I can feel the smoothness.  Smell the almost newborn head smell.  Feel it against my chin like I did as I rocked him in the chair before bed.  I remember thinking how much these pictures would stand out.  Wondering if we'd even recognize him years from then when we looked back since he was going to look so different with hair again and without the feeding tube.  I don't think I really thought that it might be his last birthday with us.  The thought had crossed my mind, but I rejected it.  It was still pretty early on in our journey, things were going so well, I think we all didn't question whether he'd celebrate with us the next year, or at least no one said it out loud. 

We'd been working on him saying how old he was when asked.  "Happy Birthday Drew!" and he'd say, "I'm TWO" and for some reason hold his finger up to his nose.  We still aren't sure why.  My theory was that somehow he was thinking about his "tube" when we told him he was going to be "two".  Who knows, but he'd tell everyone, "I'm two" with his finger beside his nose.  Weird.

I remember thinking it was kind of sad he didn't have friends at his party.  But now I realize, just like those last days he was here, his friends were there--the staff.  His favorite nurses, the housekeeper, Child Life specialists, and the doctors--residents through consultants.  It was a party I'm told some will never forget.  And at that point we had some people following our story online as well.  He had people celebrating him that we didn't even know!  He surely was loved, as much as any little boy is loved. 

It's easy to look at the circumstances and say it was a pretty sad birthday, but what is a birthday all about?  Celebrating one's birth, rejoicing in another year of life.  We did that.  Would we have done anything different if we knew it was going to be his last birthday?  Not really I guess.  The pictures show the joy he had that day, and I'm not sure we could have done it any better.

Maybe this is another example of how you really can chose to make the best of wherever you are.  A year ago, we were upset we couldn't have him home.  But once we accepted that we couldn't, we made plans to celebrate anyway,  despite, or maybe IN spite of, our situation.   That attitude kind of turned into our motto last year. And the reason we could say goodbye with no regrets.  Why we can say that we didn't allow cancer take anything from us.  We may have had to do life differently than we wanted to last year, but we continued to live.  We may have had to adjust our plans, but we didn't cancel them.  It may not have been the way we wanted to celebrate his birthday, but we celebrated anyway.  And if you look at these pictures, couldn't the setting be anywhere?  At a bounce place, in a bowling alley, in our home...the same little brother enjoying bugging his sister, the same songs sung, the same family celebrating life together:

God's purpose for all the treatment last year obviously wasn't to cure him.  We thought it was, but it must not have been.  Because God doesn't make mistakes, He doesn't lose.  No, He had a different agenda than we did.  One that I know has only begun to be realized.  Each day Drew was with us was for a reason, and maybe the day of this make shift birthday party was to show that it is possible to still live life during the worst circumstances. Through His strength and wisdom, you can choose joy.

Its no secret by now that this week I've been struggling.  Struggling to be thankful and choose joy.  But I guess with enough encouraging from others, I'm cutting myself some slack.  Not being so hard on myself during this week leading up to what should have been my son's third birthday.  After all, it's not even been three months since he died.  Some days I still can't believe this all really happened to us.  That that stubborn ear infection was really Stage 4 cancer.  I can't believe all the treatment he, and we in turn, endured. Can't believe all the horrors that I saw.  And that he died from it, he actually died.  I really had a son, and now he's gone.  All in less than a year's time.   But these pictures, and all of them from last year, prove it is possible to chose joy instead of worry, fear, frustration, anger or despair.  That God really can carry you through anything.  And it gives me hope that we can carry on from here.  We are scarred, our hearts are broken, and we may have tears streaming down our faces, but we can still choose to go on, in spite of cancer.  To live life, embrace the good that is still in the world.  And live in anticipation of the day we all can be together again. 

The Bible tells us that "the day of one's death is better than the day of one's birth" (Ecclesiastes 7:1).  I'll remember that as I think of the joy we had on that day 3 years ago, and know that January 19th was so much better of a day in Drew's life.  We may not believe that yet, but someday we'll know it to be true.  When we each experience that great celebration as our life ends on this earth and we are born into eternity.  As we enter through those gates of Heaven, leaving this world behind, taking in the full glory of God, we will understand that verse.  And no doubt be greeted by the happiest little boy, with wide open arms!

I feel like I'm getting to the point where I've cried enough.  I've gotten it out, and I'm ready to just celebrate him, all that he was, that he IS, and all that is still happening on this earth because of him.  Through our actions, in our hearts, and in the hearts of all of you who knew him.  Our plans for the weekend are to be together as our little family.  Stay at a hotel tomorrow night, swim at the pool, and then on Saturday, his birthday, go to the Mall of America and use 3 of the 4 amusement park passes we've had since last fall.  Drew would have loved those plans.  And we'll do what birthdays are for--celebrating the life of who's birthday it is.  Celebrate the time we had with Drew.  The joy he brought to our lives.  The memories we will always have with us of the not quite 3 years we were lucky enough to have him.  He was a gift, not only to us I'm learning, but to everyone.  We wish we'd had him for longer, but we'll treasure the time we had, and thank God for it.

I would love for anyone who has an "I wear Gold for Drew" shirt to wear it on Saturday, or if you don't have one, to celebrate him in your own way.  I'd love to pictures, upload them in the comments, tag me in them on facebook, txt/email them to me, because it really helps to see the support.  And now we know that Drew can see it all too.  He can see how many people are glad that he was born 3 years ago, and are remembering him since he went back to be with God.