Choosing Gratitude

As I continue to have up and down days, I have been really trying to continue in the habits that have anchored me this whole year--a major one being finding things to be thankful for.  Just like last year, there is a lot out there if I chose to see it.  And it just lifts you up in such a powerful way to focus on what you have, not what you don't have.  But it takes a conscious effort these days to get past all that I don't have--or more specifically who I don't have.

Everyday things I'm trying to note--our acute health (somehow we've managed to dodge the strep/flu/sinus infection stuff that is going around!), the food that has been showing up since January and continues through St Patrick's day.  The cards and thoughtful gifts that we continue to receive in the mail each day.  The friendships and family that have been so supportive and understanding.

And for me personally, I've been really thankful for the time I have right now to do whatever I need to do.  I have the whole morning to myself while Molly is at preschool that I can run, or write, or just sit and cry.  I don't have to hold back emotion or change my mood to be present and productive at a traditional job.  What a gift!

I also have realized how lucky I am to have the support and encouragement I'm getting through this tough time in our lives.  As I read cards of other's heartaches, I think about how much people have endured in silence.  The tragedies that people carry around with them that no one even knows about.  How much harder it would be if people didn't give me the benefit of the doubt right now.  If I wasn't getting encouragement from total strangers, or hugs from friends at Walmart (even thought I'm not really a hugger).  I really gain a lot of strength from the kind words and reinforcement of others, where would I be without it?  And without the prayers.  Oh the prayers! That have gotten us through so much.  How grateful I am that I have had so much love poured into me and my family through this tragedy, that some don't get.  It reminds me of that saying, "Be kind, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about".  This week I realized how lucky I am, and therefore gave thanks to God, that so many do know the battle I face, and have been so kind.  Thank you!

And if I really take it a step further, I can think of all I can be thankful for over the last year.  I can chose to be resentful of all that I won't experience with Drew, or remember and be thankful for all that I did.  I truly think last year was a gift in an of itself.  He was in such bad shape at diagnosis--a tumor 13 cm across in his belly, 35% of his bone marrow was cancer, the scan of his bones lit up "like a Christmas tree"--yet, the doctors and nurses made him well again.  Not for as long as we wanted, but we got him back.  His smile, his energy, his joy and his love.  Such a gift.  and I really got to see him grow up into a little boy.  Talking, teasing, playing...he really went from a baby at diagnosis to a little boy in 2016.  We played around with potty training--and for a couple days, he actually went!  I saw the pride across his face, the excitement of accomplishing something new.  I saw him in a big boy bed--even bunk beds with Molly!  And even if he won't drive me around as a teenager, I got the experience of him driving me around in Disney!  We took him to do so much more than we would have if we weren't trying to make the most of our time.  Truly, there was much to be thankful for in the last year.

And the one-on-one time I got with him.  If cancer never entered our world, he would have just been a typical 2nd child--kind of a tag-a-long in Molly and I's life.  But instead I got to have so much quality time with him.  I got to really know him, love him, and respect him in such a deep way as you only do when you watch someone endure, suffer, and fight for their life.  All those nights I spent sleeping beside him on a cot in those hospital rooms, I wouldn't trade for the world.  And by the Grace of God I knew it, and savored the time as it happened.  How many take for granted the time we have with our loved ones.  Lose them suddenly and wish they would have taken more time to soak them in?  We got to soak, and soak we did!

Most of all I can be thankful for witnessing the profound way that Drew was used.  That last week as I watched so many distinguished men and women leave our room with tears in their eyes, I was so overwhelmed with pride of my little boy.  He was (and still is!) nothing short of amazing, and I got to see it in person.  How many never feel that kind of pride in their child?  Never see the effect that their child had on so many lives this side of Heaven?  How thankful we are for Drew and all that he was and did in his life on earth.

Molly's school introduced Lent this week.  Even though we aren't Catholic, I like the idea of this time of reflection.  Molly talked about how her teacher explained you can go without something you really like, or add in a new habit that will bring you closer to God during this season.  We discussed this at home and decided maybe we'd read a bible verse together each morning since she usually catches me at the end of my readings when she wakes up.  Later that day though, she comes up to me, "I know what we are going without right now--Drew."  Oh the wisdom and simplicity found in children.  That is so true, we are coping with a great sacrifice right now.  And even if it is not something we necessarily chose to undertake, I have seen we most certainly have a choice on how we handle it.  I can use this loss during Lent as a way to draw me closer to Him, which very well could have been a part of the big purpose in general.  When I'm really missing Drew, or feeling lost in my new world,or anxious about finding my way again, I want to give those feelings to God.  Turn my focus on Him, when I am reminded of my great loss.  If only I could have him back on Easter Sunday....

Other updates--our Warrior Wagons project continues to move forward.  We met with a lawyer this week to start the process of setting it up as an official non-profit organization.  We will meet with an accountant next week to discuss what we need to do for book keeping side.  I also am setting up a meeting with Mayo to figure out the logistics and procedures we need to follow before we can start getting these wagons and all their goodies to the families.  Another thing to be thankful for--the time, resources, and connections that are making this project really grow legs!


We took Molly sledding over the weekend, and she really had fun!  (Mom and Dad probably did too :)  )

Then Monday I met a nurse friend and her girl at Bounce World, but before Molly and I had a fun time having lunch and shopping!

I have always enjoyed Mardi Gras, and since Molly was born have made King Cakes to mark Fat Tuesday.  Here's Molly over the years with our cakes, including the four we made this year!

Have a wonderful week everyone, and look for things to be thankful for!

~Heidi