Keep Doing

Another week has passed.  Once again, I feel like we got a lot done, things that show we're moving forward.  First, I've needed to wash and donate the 4 convertible car seats we no longer need.  At one point Molly was in that size too, so we had 2 sets for each car.  They take up a lot of space, and I knew we needed to pass them on while they could still be used before they expire.  Taking one apart, washing, and putting it back together is kind of a job, so doing 4 took a whole afternoon it seemed. As I was working on them, I remembered how I used to have to wash his seats out quite often when he was sick from chemo and would throw up in the car.  He'd always be so upset he made a mess, saying he was sorry.  He'd do this to the nurses too when he got sick at the hospital and it broke everyone's heart.  I thanked God he's no longer sick.  No longer throwing up and feeling bad about it.  When I took his seat out of the cars just days after he died, It didn't bother me to much. I was still numb.  But washing them up to donate, thinking of the next child that would sit in them, did get to me.  I wondered out loud to Drew if he'd get to see who sat in them next, asked him to watch over them.  Then Molly and I loaded them up, dropped them off, and drove away.  Keeping my sunglasses on so it wasn't too weird that I was teary.  "See you" chairs...

I also got the last bookshelf put together.  I'm sure it'll change, but I for now I like the Disney stuff displayed, and the things I found for book ends.  The Mickey ears we bought for him, the two pictures books we have of our trip.  A frame we picked out at one of the gift shops, and the snow globe with the castle that Drew got so excited about.  I feel satisfied with him room now, I can sit and look all around at things that remind me of him and the good times we had together.  Now I need to move on to his closet...

 Warrior Wagons also had a productive week.  We opened a bank account for it, and have set up a Paypal account for direct donations.  I met with Social Work and Child Life at the downtown Mayo Clinic where we worked out the final details of distribution.  It's really going to happen!  I dropped off the first wagon to St Mary's for them to have on reserve.  As I pulled that wagon into the hospital, I couldn't help but wonder about the family that will pull it next.  Whether they have any idea anything is wrong, whether they have any idea what is in store for them.  Again, I wiped away tears and also said a prayer over the wagon.  May God provide for them as He did for us, and may His healing hand be on their child.  It was great to see staff, old friends, on Mayo 16 again.  It was nice to talk with others who knew and loved Drew so much.

We continue to work together through our grief too.  Molly forgot her blanket last weekend when we went to Emmetsburg.  She lay in her room crying sad tears about it after I put her to bed.  I went back into her.   "I miss my blanket" she cried as she hugged the towel I gave her in a sorry attempt to replace it.  "I know you do Deary," I said to her, as I rubbed her back.  But I explained that she still needed to find a way to go to sleep.  "You can miss it", I told her, "and lay here and cry a little, but you still need to go to sleep too.  I miss things in my life right now, and I'm sad about it, you see me cry, but I still figure out how to do what I need to do".  "Like what?" she asked, and I can tell she knew exactly what I was talking about.  She just wanted to hear me say it.  "I miss Drew so much, and I feel just like you do right now.  And I cry about it too, and wish I could have him back, but he's back with God and can't come back, so I still find a way to do what I need to do".  We sat there for a moment and both cried.  She laid down, I left.  I could hear her whimpering a little longer, but soon she was asleep.  I share this special moment with you all because so many wonder how Molly is.  And really, I think she is doing pretty well.  She is like her dad, and rarely displaying her emotions (besides frustration when things don't go her way!).  So when she does let some out, I treasure them. 

I hope she understands a little better why I cry more now.  Maybe understands a little better the feelings she has about Drew too, and what she can do with them.  It's okay to be sad, and cry about it.  But as a family I guess we've decided that doesn't mean can't function anymore, can't do the things we need to do. She brought these pictures to me this morning.  She must have drawn them last night after bedtime.  She said she went into Drew's room to copy "his letters" off of his wall to put on the top.  "Molly ❤ Drew" at the top of each, with his big smiling face in the middle and her below him with the crown on her head in one, and the other of our whole family.  I hope she always draws our family with Drew in it.  Makes my heart swell and break at the same time.

Thinking this week about Molly and her blanket, I decided that is how we probably look to God right now.  It hurt to see her sad tears, to know she was really upset and there was nothing to be done, nothing I could do for her.  She had to do it on her own.  I could encourage her, hold her as she cried, and tell her what she needed to do, but it was up to her to do it.  God does that for us.  Holds us when we are sad, I know because I have felt His arms.  And then gently He whispers what we need to do next.  But ultimately it's up to us to do it, to listen to Him.  How it must hurt him to watch his children suffer in this fallen world.  But he knows it'll be okay.  It will all be made right one day.  I live in the Hope of that day.

Driving to Rochester yesterday I wasn't feeling the sadness I was the last time, but instead, determination.  With that wagon in the back, I knew we were doing good again. We are overcoming the hold that cancer thought it had on us.  God is using what was meant to destroy us to do good, and I feel so honored to be a part of it, so empowered.  This is how we are showing that cancer surely did not win.  God has won the war over death we know, but our family too will win this battle over death by not letting it consume us too.  We are getting the last laugh as we refuse to let it keep us down for too long.  Besides, what do we have to be afraid of?  What could we lose now that would be any worse then what we've already lost?  And we are still standing.  And also doing.  Please God, keep giving us the strength to keep doing!