The Father's Sacrifice

Yesterday was a hard day.  It started off fine, but after I saw on my "one year ago" reminder on Facebook this sweet picture of Drew,

I cried the rest of the day.  Just look at that face!  Oh he was so sweet.  So full of joy, of life.  And when I read all that was going on with us at that time--he was about to go in for a scan to check on the 8cm hematoma (internal bruise) that had obstructed his bowel for two weeks, and check on the blood clot that was found in his head earlier AND a bone marrow biopsy!  I just can't believe all that he went through.  I think this will happen a lot this year as I get these reminders. Because as it happened we were in survival mode and didn't fully grasp the magnitude, the drama, of what was happening.  You all probably did, but we were doing our best to not think about it.  Because we still had to function.  We had to do it, there was no time to cry about it then.

But I guess now there is time.  And I'm seeing how much we really, Drew really, endured.  And he did it all with this loving smile and sparkle in his eyes.  Why did that tender little boy, who was so trusting, so happy, have to sustain so much?  How could God have looked at that face and allowed this to happen?  Why didn't we get the happy ending we prayed for?  Why couldn't it all have worked out...

I know the answer, or at least part of it.  I know the good that has come of it.  That tragedy and suffering draws so much more attention than easy things.  I know that we all face suffering in our own time, and that Drew is already experiencing his reward.  I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I still do.  I know it all--in my head.  But my heart still aches for that little boy.  Still wishes it could have been someone else's baby.  That He could have figured out a way to accomplish all this and let us keep him.  That the cost was so great.  I wish Drew didn't have to pay that price.

And as I was on my knees crying yesterday, with all these thoughts going through my head, I remembered my Lenten goals--turn my feelings over to God.  Reflect on His sacrifice during Lent.  And I really appreciated in a whole new way, in a deeper way, the Father's sacrifice for us.  While we didn't chose this path of great sorrow, and honestly probably wouldn't have if we were really given a choice--God did. John 3:16, the first verse so many children learn, "For God so loved that world that He gave his only begotten Son"--He put the plan together himself, willingly chose to give up his Son. 

As the verse to How Deep the Father's Love goes, "How great the pain and searing loss, the Father turns his face away"--What I am feeling now, this hurt deep in my heart, God has felt too.  And he chose to do it, for ME.  He watched as his Son, who was more innocent than mine, was treated so, so cruelly, and then He experienced the loss as Jesus went to conquer death.  And he did it all for me.  And for you.  Deep love indeed.  Thank you Father for doing that for me!

With that renewed awe of our great Father and His sacrifice, I picked myself up.  If God went through all that for me, I can do this for Him.  I will do this for Him.  But it still hurts.  Oh, it still hurts.  And I still miss Drew so much.  I still wish with all my heart I could have him back, like this was all a bad dream.  But since I can't, and it's not, I will chose to serve the God who gave up his Son to save me, and do whatever He asks of me.  And let Him, who can empathize with my heartbreak in a very real way, comfort me and give me peace.  My reward will come, just as Drew's has.  But really, the only reward I am looking forward to right now is seeing Drew running towards me, with his arms up, and giving him the biggest hug you've ever seen.

So I encourage you, as you read these words, and see me and think, "I can't imagine...", put that energy towards imagining the even bigger sacrifice that the Father did for you!  When so many are doing whatever they can for us, and we so appreciate it!, I challenge everyone to try to think of a new way that you can do something for God, who suffered even greater than we are.  And if you were thinking of going to praise me, saying how "inspirational" we are, praise God instead.  Praise the One who actually did chose to go through this pain, and did it for you.  And if you haven't accepted that gift, acknowledged and claimed that salvation, I urge you to do it.  You won't be disappointed. And you too can have this strength and peace that has gotten us through this unimaginable time in our lives.