Ups and Downs

Spring Break was pretty busy for us!  Since Molly is in preschool 5 days a week, it actually felt like we had a break, and we filled it!  We had snow to start the week, which I always love.  It's fun to watch Molly "help" Josh shovel from inside.  Drew didn't like going outside in the snow, it was "too cold" he'd say.  So it's one thing I don't have to be sad he's missing!

We had a couple play dates with friends, and Molly also had her kindergarten physical, complete with shots on Tuesday before her and I left for Ames (my hometown) for a quick visit. We saw the Oscar Meyer wiener mobile at Hickory Park which Molly thought was pretty cool. Here's her and the big hot dog with my brother.

We also ate at another favorite of mine--Fazoli's!  My sister and I love that place!

Then we had a day to re group and pack up again for St Patrick's Day weekend in Emmetsburg, Josh's hometown.  There they have big celebration since they are the Sister City of Dublin!  We started off the party with a fun run/walk that Josh's dad and I did Saturday morning.  Here's us before, during, and after in front of a fun prop wall!

The big parade is always fun, and this year the weather was pretty good!  Molly really was able to enjoy it, watching it and gathering candy on her own.  I was able to actually just sit and watch it too!  I didn't realize how hard it was going to be though. Midwest parades are full of firetrucks, tractors, and construction equipment.  All things Drew would have loved.

This last one really got me.  As soon as we saw the green and gold rolling down the street, Molly turned around and gave me the look she gives me a lot these days.  With a slight rolling of the eyes, it seems to say, "please mom, don't cry..."  But I did.  Oh Drew, how beside yourself you would have been!  But after I looked at this picture I thought, maybe beside Molly is where you actually are, watching with as much glee as I pictured, and fully healed.

There seemed to be a lot of times like this that caught me of guard this week.  As we continue to feel moments of joy again, it just highlights the grief, the longing, and the pain of the memories when they return.  It takes me by surprise, seems to hurt even more as it is contrasted with happiness once again.  I'm so thankful the highs have returned, but it makes the lows feel more extreme.  Before when sadness was more of a constant feeling, I couldn't be reminded of the pain when I wasn't expecting it, because I always was expecting it, always aware of it.  But two months out, as I can see through the fog of grief at times, it hits me like a wall, like a slap in the face.

Molly's check up was another time.  The usual questions they just blow through that I never gave a thought too---Is she on city water?  Exposed to second hand smoke?  Go to daycare?  And then-- Does she have any siblings?  Oh what a simple, yet loaded question.  The nurse didn't know, and I'm glad she didn't.  But how do I answer that??  "No, not anymore" I think is what I said awkwardly. I should have said "YES!  We have a brother named Drew who was the bravest, strongest, happiest two year old there ever was!  But he's back with God now.  And she has no other siblings this side of Heaven."  Next time I guess...

And then came the shots.  This part I should have known would be difficult.  Hearing my voice trying to keep her calm, explaining what they were doing, and watching her scared little face bravely hold back the tears...it killed me to see that again.  Oh how many nights we administered shots to Drew ourselves, in our living room, while he watched Wheel of Fortune.  Molly would run to her room, and Drew would tell us in a shaky voice which leg he wanted it in that night, and we just did it.  And I'd see that face on my baby boy, holding back tears, being so brave.  It kills a mother inside, whether it's for "routine" shots, or in the middle of big things.  Its the first time I've had to experience that in 2 months.  I got used to it last year, sadly.  It was probably a weekly, many times daily, thing.  I'm out of practice, which I guess is a good thing. 

One of Drew's little friends was over here last week too.  Again, I didn't think twice about saying it was fine to have him over.  And in the end, I'm glad I didn't.  Having a two-year-old boy in this house once again was so bittersweet.  It made the memories so much clearer.  I could hear Drew's voice in this little guy's just because two year olds are so similar in where they say, and how they react.  I could see him again in his cozy coupe going "to the casino" as he would push off as this little boy cruised down the hall.  Even though it was so hard to know I'll never see him in that car again, I was glad to bring the memories to life again.  As time goes on, they inevitably fade.  Become like a dream, a foggy scene from the past.  But they became so crisp again in that moment.  And I was glad even though it felt like cruel tease. Even though it made that ache in my heart start up again.  He even pointed to a picture of Drew on the shelf and said, "there's Drew!" like he was seeing an old friend.  So nice to know he remembers him.

I'm guessing this is how life will be for a while.  Joy mixed with the sorrow.  Life in the present mixed with painful memories of the past.  I probably would have an easier time if I thought ahead, prepared myself to handle the flood of memories and feelings that situations may bring.  Or maybe not.  Maybe just like the last year when we tried not to think about the next step, and just enjoy the moment, I should just continue to take things as they come, one day at a time.  I can rely on Him, who goes before us and prepares a way, to sustain me through the hard times. Deuteronomy 31:8 promises us just that: "The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."  And I know I can trust Him to do it, because he's held us through such tough times already.  I can just savor the present and give the future and it's worries to God.  After what we just went through, saying goodbye to our son, will facing anything else seem too difficult?  If my God got me through that, I think He can get us through this time of sorrow and grief.  Pray I can keep relying on Him to get me through the days!

~Heidi