A Special Bond

Friday dawned and I was relieved that we almost made it to Drew's birthday.  As I said on Thursday's post, I really felt ready.  Cried out, said all there was to say, and was looking forward to the weekend we had planned.  So after Josh got home from work Friday, we left for the hotel.  I said Molly was so excited, but I guess it's kind of special for anyone to stay at a hotel if you don't do it all that often.  And I think I was excited for the get away.  Molly squealed with delight as she went around the hotel room, noticing all the details, then laid on her bed, "Hey, I thought I got a princess bed!?", what?  Oh, she thought a Queen bed was going to be Princess-y.  Funny how slang confuses kids!

We swam at the pool, ate at Subway (one of Drew's favorites-no doubt because they have great pickles ;)  ), and all slept well. 

Then we got up and ate breakfast there, and headed out to the Mall of America.  The excitement on Molly's face as we walked in was worth it all.  And I know Drew would have been just as thrilled, and loved to see his hero, his big sister, so happy.

We were glad we got there early, as people had told us it gets busy quickly.  But we never had to wait in lines for too long.  There was a big range of levels of scary-ness for rides, and Molly kind of worked her way up.  The swings were fun, and we found a Blue's Clues ride too, a show Drew found on his tablet somehow and would watch a lot.  Molly said we had to do that one, for Drew!

It was hard not to think of Disney world, and the fun we all had together with Drew.  It truly was a magical place, where we all forgot about our problems and just enjoyed each other.  Saturday felt like that, and I'm so glad that we decided to go.  But at the same time, it just reminded me of what has changed.  That he really isn't there to even out our numbers for the two person rides, or to get excited with Molly.  It hurt to take these pictures of just the three of us on rides with the selfie skills I perfected in Disney with the four of us, but I'm glad we did it.

It was lovely to come back and read through all the txts, messages, posts, emails, and even cards in the mail.  Thank you all!!  The quantity of people that care and love Drew, some that have never even met him, continues to blow me away.  I'm sure it made his birthday even more special in Heaven to see all the love for him here on earth still.

We put a candle in oreo ice cream for dessert (he liked Oreos too), and said Molly could blow it out.  We sang to Drew, and Molly really folded her hands like this at the end, and then blew it out.  She immediately said, "You know what I wished for?  That Drew could be with us everyday, even if he's in Heaven."  Oh, if I couldn't get my first wish of having him back, that would be my second Miss Molly!

Friday before we left as I was running, I was thinking about birthdays.  Why did this hit me so much harder than I expected?  I remembered that it was after I had Molly that I realized how much of a significant day birthdays are in a mother's life.  It's really an anniversary to Moms for all the work they did, I used to say!  But more seriously, I think it goes beyond that. Its a day that you can just feel is profound, that you are so intimately involved in a real miracle--the miracle of life.  Hearing that first cry, it takes your breath away, it is utterly amazing to be a part of that moment.  It really creates a bond that is shared between mother and baby.  You two did it together.  Sure, there are doctors and nurses, and Dads and coaches, but ultimately it's up to you and that baby to make it happen.  It's a journey, an adventure, hard work, that bonds the two of you forever.  Like a special secret that only the two of you share.  I'm seeing that that secret, that bond, is stronger than death, it goes beyond this world, and really is forever.  And when your child is gone, you are alone on the two of you's day.  You had this special thing with someone else, and they no longer are here to share it with you. Maybe that is why I hear from other bereaved mothers that birthdays are always hard.

Thinking about that significant day, that miracle that we did together, only re opened the wound of watching him go back to God.  Another profound day, that takes your breath away, accept this time no first cry was heard, only a final breath.  A chest that stopped rising, a heart that stopped beating.  But it was still a special day nonetheless. A day that I will carry with me forever, something we shared again.  His Dad and me both were there with him, just like his first day.  And even though there was little rejoicing here on Earth, I know there was a big celebration in Heaven, welcoming a brave soldier Home.

The pain that a mother feels on the day they give birth is very real, and excruciating.  But it is the only way that mother and baby can be separated. Baby is fully dependent on Mother until that day when they separate, and much pain is involved.  But it's time for the baby to be out, on his own, to move on from the womb.  I guess it shouldn't surprise me that there is as much pain involved as Drew and I are separated physically again.  Just like when he was born, it was time for him to move on, to be on his own, and the process to let go is a painful one.  Just like everyone has different birth stories, all of us who have lost a child have different grieving stories, unique timelines and ways we deal with the separation.  But eventually, I believe it is possible to be okay.  Our bodies adjust to not having a baby inside us, and our hearts will adjust to not having our babies beside us.   But we will never be the same.  Just like our bodies carry the scars, stretch marks, and saggy skin, our hearts too will bear the scars from this experience, and will never be the same.  They will still be able to function, but are left different from before.

Once God helped me articulate this connection between Drew and I on his birthday, I felt better.  I understood it.  It made sense to me, and I somewhat forgave myself for all the emotion I had last week.  It is terribly sad, and Jesus wept over the loss of friends, it's okay to be upset over this devastating loss.  And as he revealed to me why it hurts so much, just like separating us in the first place, that made sense too.  And I'm filled with hope again that I won't always feel like this.  Just like my body and emotions recovered from giving birth to Drew, I'll recover from letting him go.  I won't be the same person, and I shouldn't be, but I will be functioning again.  And now with a better perspective on life, a tougher will to take on whatever is thrown my way, because I've seen what I am capable of with the strength from His Spirit.  If we can withstand this, through the power of God, we can withstand just about anything.

My birthday now is Wednesday, April 5th.  I always make sure I call my mom since I've become a mother, and I certainly do that this year.  I'm kind of in to birthdays, I get pretty excited.  Three years ago, I was kind of miffed that Drew was born on my week, my month!  You see I'm a twin, so I feel like I've shared my birthday enough already!  He easily could have been born in March, but Noooooo, he had to sneak into my month!  But now I'm grateful.  One more thing we share, me and my Drew.  It may make this week harder, but I will be thankful that I could be a part of giving Drew life, and will cherish the special bond we have because of it.  Even if it does overshadow MY day a little :)