Signs from Heaven

I had a dream Tuesday night.  Drew was in my lap on the couch, I must have been reading him a book.  I looked over and he was just staring at my face. You know how kids do that?  Instead of looking at the pages they watch your lips, your expressions?  I caught him doing that.  And then he started leaning in for a kiss. He never actually gave a kiss, never figured out that "smack" sound, just leaned in, presenting his face to be kissed.  I was so excited to see him, he so close, doing such familiar things.  I gave him so many smooches. Then Josh came by and we said, "give Dad a kiss?", he said "No... ." Smiling, teasing us. He knew that answer would get us going.  Why not? "I don't want to give Dada a kiss..." Still smiling, being ornery.  Oh Drew...and we tickled him and he giggled...Oh my heart was SO full of happiness in that moment.   But I must have been so happy to see, feel, and hear him I woke myself up.  I quickly closed my eyes again and tried so hard to get back to him.  So hard to find him again in the dark, but I couldn't get him back...

I haven't had many dreams of Drew, like maybe 2 other than this one.  And this one was the most vivid, the most wonderful.  I was so thankful for the experience, for the feeling, but I spent the rest of the day feeling like I had gotten Drew taken away from me all over again.  Wishing I had one more real snuggle and smooch with my boy.  I wrote last time about my weird spells I encounter as I am reminded of Drew and our tragedy as I'm out in the real world again. Since I don't usually have these dreams, I haven't had to wake up and re-orient myself to reality again, something that I hear some of the bereaved have to do each day.  I am thankful that my reality checks have been during the daytime hours after Wednesday morning.   Starting off the day in tears from missing him, is really hard to overcome the rest of the day.  And Wednesday, I couldn't.  I was on the verge of tears all morning as I went about our Wednesday routine of preschool drop off and CBS.  Until after lunch I let them all out.  Just sat in his room and cried and cried, for my baby that I can't get back. 

Some think dreams can be a sign, a visit from your loved one.  It comforts me to think that it might have been a visit, but then upset with myself that I let it make me sad all day.  If Drew could see how his visit made me feel, would he ever come back?  Would he be sorry that he bothered me in the first place?  Hopefully if he could see my reaction, he understands its because I love him so much.  And I miss him just as much.  Maybe some day a visit from him will leave me feeling peaceful.  When I review this dream, it is so "him".  He must be okay, happy, where he's at.  I may not get one more physical snuggle in this lifetime, but he gave me the next best thing.  Instead of feeling sad all day, I could feel energized, motivated, encouraged.  I'm not sure how long that'll take, or if that day will ever come.  But maybe it's another one of those cases where it'll happen if I choose for it to happen.  If I decide, I'm not going to be sad about this, but happy, thankful, that's just how it'll be.

Along the lines of dreams being visits from our loved ones, some really believe in other signs form their loved ones.  I've heard of things in nature like rainbows, butterflies, birds or other animals.  Pennies from heaven, children knowing or seeing things that can't be explained, or even physical things being moved. I've even been asked if I've heard any thing from Drew yet?  As if it'll for sure happen.  The truth is, I'm still trying to decide how I feel about signs.  On the one hand some of the stories or occurrences are pretty convincing, with no obvious explanation.  There must be something to them.  And if it brings comfort to those who receive the sign, maybe it doesn't matter what the explanation is.  Who am I to say it's not their loved one?

How does it line up with our Faith?  Do we think loved ones in Heaven are allowed to interact or direct things on earth to reach us?  It's another question we won't be able to answer with certainty until we get there ourselves.  But again, I could see it both ways.  Possibly God does allow some interaction for the benefit of us on Earth with broken hearts.  He grants some the experience with their loved ones to encourage and comfort them.  If it would be helpful.  Maybe this is why I feel like I haven't gotten any signs yet, I'm not ready. It hurts too much still. Reminds me what I'm without.  I'm not strong enough for it to be helpful yet?  Or maybe I'm too logical, rational.  Poor Drewy's been trying to reach out to me, but I overlook it, or explain it away until he is literally sitting in my lap in a dream.  Plus, a part of me hopes Drew has better things to do right now than be with me at Walmart when I see tractor toys out of place.  Go fishing with my grandpa!  Play with my friend's boy who was also taken too soon by cancer. I'll be up there with you before you know it, go do all the things you can't do here!

On the other hand, I do think one needs to be careful with signs.  That it can be a way that the Enemy can take advantage of us while we are most vulnerable.  We could get so that we are looking everywhere around us for signs when we are desperate for our loved ones, instead of looking above, to the only One who can truly bring us comfort.  And I've seen that.  Moms living from one sign to the next from their little ones, instead of relying on God for comfort and strength.  Also, how can you be sure who's giving the sign?  We know that the other side has certain powers too, and that Satan is the Father of all Lies, couldn't what seems to be a sign be a cruel trick, meant to lure us away from surrendering all to Him?  We can't know for sure, another reason I think to be mindful when considering signs.

Again, I think signs can be comforting to some.  And as long as it doesn't distract you from your reliance on God, and you don't put more emphasis on them than seeing the hand of God in your life, it can be a good thing.  I'm not trying to discredit some experiences.  I have truly gotten goosebumps from some of the stories I've heard!  Maybe I'm just trying to justify to myself why I don't feel like I've gotten any signs yet.  And if when I see a tractor toy out of place at Walmart and it reminds me of Drew and that afternoon at the John Deere dealer, and I'm filled with the joy of the memory, I don't think that that's bad at all.  I just think it's when I start to believe it IS Drew putting things in my path and then become so hungry for more from him that my appetite for God is diminished, that that would be bad.  Does that make sense?  So just take this post for what it is, me sharing how I feel and see things according to what I believe as I go through my journey of grief.  I will continue to pray for clarity and wisdom in this area.




Drew does have another relative to catch up with, who went to Heaven on Wednesday night, Josh's Great Grandma LaVon, Drew's Great-Great Grandmother.  It was so neat to have 5 generations on Josh's side, and we had it through 2 Great Grandmothers for a while!  A privilege to have on this Earth, and a taste of how fun it'll be to have multiple generations together in Heaven!  She loved to play marbles, and was not afraid to play cut-throat!  I'm sure she can have some fun playing with Drewy while they wait for us to join them.  Rest in God's peace and joy Granny, you'll be missed.  She was 97.