Seasons Changing

The spring is starting to come.  The snow is gone.  The grass is starting to become green again.  Josh noted that the trees are even starting to have buds.  It's an exciting time as we experience our first few warm days with the sunshine bringing everything back to life.  And as the seasons begin to change, we can continue to feel ourselves seeing the first signs of our Spring as well.  As I've been writing about, our hard winter of grief has begun to ease up. Some days we too can feel the sunshine and watch as things start to grow again.  Routines taking shape, lose ends being tied up.  Reluctantly, since we very much still wish Drew was a part of it physically, our life is beginning to feel "normal" again.  Our new normal I guess.  It's bitter sweet.  It seems nothing should continue on if Drew can't.  I'm scared that once the season changes, we are further away from our time we had with him.  The last fresh air he breathed and breeze he felt on his skin was a cold day in January.  It's a reminder that the world moves on, time passes, but a part of us will always be back with him in January.  But I know that each day we make it through also brings us a day closer to being reunited with him again.  That is what makes it okay, most days.

At the same time, it feels so great to experience joy again.  Like when you finally feel normal after you've been sick. To laugh and joke again.  To look at pictures of the Disney trip and for the first time feel better after word, instead of sad.  It's nice to begin to feel comfortable again, in our own house without him, and enjoying things we used to all do together.  But then just like the seasons, there can still be a cold snap.  You think Spring has come, but Mother Nature says not-so-fast.  Like Drew's birthday week.  Or when a sweet photo comes up of my two babies, who will never be together again in this life. Yet, you can handle a few cold days here and there, because now you know it won't last long.  We are unfortunately practiced in coping with the sadness.  In enduring the heartache these reminders bring.

And after the snow melts in the Spring, it reveals the mess left from fall and winter.  There is a lot of work to do picking up sticks, raking leaves, putting outside play things back out, and taking down Christmas lights.  I've been feeling a little overwhelmed this week, by the Spring cleanup. Now that we are settling back in and have the time, I'm seeing how much we need to straighten out from a year of not doing much more than the bare minimums.  Organizing and deep cleaning around the house and cars, getting back into shape, and even re-establishing schedules and boundaries with Molly. 

I'm seeing how hard it is to reclaim ground once the lines have been relaxed with a child.  And I know it's just the way it is.  Our schedule was so crazy, it was hard to be consistant.  She had different people with her throughout the whole last year.  And honestly, towards the end, our parenting changed.  We stopped thinking long term, stopped thinking about making sure Drew was learning lessons he'd need when he grew up, because we knew he wasn't going to.  And that meant Molly felt the shift too for a time.  But now that we are changing from a season of survival mode, as the fog of sadness is lifting, it's time to get back to work.  Time to get back to life.  And to parent well is hard.  If it was easy, I'd know I wasn't doing it right.  Setting boundaries, being consisant, following through with consequences, all require a lot of focus.  And when you're gaining strength again after a time of great weakness, it has left me tired.  But Molly is great.  She's probably more patient with me than I am with her.  Along with the tightening up of control, I've been trying to be really pouring on the love too.  Making sure we have an hour each afternoon where we do something together.  I'm getting very good at Barbies and Legos!  So pray for Molly and for us.  For strength and for patience, love, and wisdom.

Also just getting back to my regular work at home leaves me more tired than I expect some days.  Now that the food has stopped coming, and my freezer is almost empty, I am getting back to meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking.  Which I like!  Just another thing I'm not used to anymore. And as we've been home now together consistently, our laundry and cleaning routines are taking shape.  I've got Warrior Wagon tasks to do, getting everything organized and set up.  My training runs for the half marathon I'm doing Memorial Day have ramped up too.  I guess I probably am no busier than any other Stay at Home mom.  But grieving takes a lot of energy on top of it.  I'm making it, and I can do it with strength from Above, but as an update on how I'm doing, I'd say I'm tired most days!

So we are still here.  Still making progress, but it is hard some days.  In different ways than it was hard before.  Yet I am grateful for making through each day, for each phase of this journey we've left behind us.  And as my daily life seems overwhelming sometimes, I feel God reminding me how important the daily disciplines are.  Purposefully being thankful.  Setting aside time each day for Him--to pray, to read, and to reflect.  Choosing to push thoughts aside that aren't helpful, that won't lead you to a better place.  Making sure that when the longing comes, when I feel almost desperate for my Drew, to hear his voice or feel his weight on my hip, that I turn to God for comfort.  Pray that I continue to do that!

Last week I didn't have to search too hard for things that I was grateful for.  My birthday was a wonderful day, okay, week.  Thank you to all that helped me celebrate here in Austin!  I felt very loved.  And then over the weekend, it was wonderful to be with my family as the celebration continued.  After all, it's kind of required that you celebrate together if you're a twin!