Vacation

Last week, Josh and I were on a wonderful vacation, a cruise out of Florida to the Bahamas.  When Josh brought it up a couple of months ago I wasn't sure it was a good idea.  How could I ever enjoy myself?  How could I miss Molly in the short term, on top of missing Drew in the long term?  And would Molly be okay?  I wouldn't want to upset her by being gone...But we discussed it with her, and right away she was excited to go to Grandma's. So I gave in to the idea.

As the sail date got closer, it was nice to have something to look forward to.  I had a few bad days in the couple weeks before, and the prospect of sunshine and beaches was one of the things that helped me through. I didn't necessarily announce the trip, not because it was a big secret, but more to be smart about it.  As much as I put "out there", we didn't think it was wise to announce we'd be gone for a week.

Saying goodbye to Molly was hard.  It always has been as we left for trips in the past, but maybe more than a little tougher after what we've been through.  But, just like everything, the buildup to saying goodbye was worse than actually doing it. Once again, Molly is such a trooper, I was more upset than she was.  I knew she'd be okay, and both sets of grandparents were looking forward to having her. 

So, we got on our plane to Orlando, and as we walked through that airport, I tried my best to ignore the familiar terminal and gate that not even four months ago the four of us Beckers walked through and sat at together surrounding our amazing Disney Trip.  The Give Kids the World greeter waiting for a Wish family was a little harder to ignore.  But, I wiped away the tears, and decided this was a chance to not be sad for what I don't have, but grateful for the memories, for the good times.  Which made it easier to look forward to new memories we'd be making that week.

We were bussed to Cape Canaveral, and as we watched the Space Center in the distance, we set sail.  The big blue ocean ahead of us, as well as 4 days away from the real world. 

It was wonderful.  This was Josh and I's third cruise together, so we knew just what to expect.  While on the ship we dined, enjoying old favorites like the chocolate melting cake, but also tried new food like escargot, conch and rabbit!

We laid out on the deck, and laughed at the Hairy Chest contest!

We went to shows, played Bingo and games in the Casino, laughed at the comedy shows, cringed at some of the karaoke, and enjoyed people watching at it's finest.

We stopped at 2 ports in the Bahamas, Nassau and Freeport.  Nassau is where Paradise Island and the famous Atlantis resort is located.  We took a taxi there and walked along the beach and through the resort. 

In Freeport we did a shore excursion that took us in an open air bus to a beach where we stayed for several hours. It was amazing to be in the ocean, taking in the beauty that is in the world.

Josh and I had so much fun together. We were good about taking little vacations together before everything started with Drew, and it felt familiar to fall back into being just us.  To be reminded what it was like to be "young, wild, and free" again (although several times I could tell how old we are getting!), and what we liked about each other in the first place. It was nice to have a balcony room, where we could just sit together and look out at the ocean.

It gave me a break from missing Drew, because he never was a part of this space.  Without Molly too, his absence wasn't as obvious, and gave me time to breathe.  To rest.  To take a step back from life and evaluate.  To not talk about the whole experience to anyone for a whole week.  It was tricky sometimes.  I had to decide how I'd answer questions like, "Do you have kids?  How old are they?".  See at home, everyone knows.  There aren't a whole lot of questions.  How am I going to define my family now?  A five year old daughter and a late son?  Answer a daughter and son and nothing more?  Or just one daughter?  I tried out a few answers, liked a few, and hated a few the minute the words came out of my mouth.  But it was nice to experiment, to decide if I wanted to go into it, or not.

There were times I didn't even think about it all.  But I quickly realized there really is no "escaping" reality.  It's always there with you, and only a matter of how long you can be distracted.  I'd see a family of four, an older girl and little boy, and it all came flooding back.  Or when I'd gaze at the beauty of the ocean and sunshine and feel guilty I was even experiencing it, sad that Drew would never be with us on a vacation like this.  I decided I really have to be okay on the inside, in my heart, before I can ever truly be okay wherever I'm at.  And I think I'm making progress on that, but it was just funny I even thought I could forget.  I will never be able to forget.  There were tears in these moments.  But I prayed, and reminded myself of all the things that have become my mantras for over a year now.  Live in the moment, be grateful for what we do have, and know that Drew would want me to be happy.  

It's what I've had to remind myself everyday at home, that going on and living my life as well as I can and choosing to be happy isn't forgetting about him, or acting like he didn't exist.   It's honoring him and the life he lived in his not quite three years by growing and building from the work he did so well on earth.  It's putting action behind the words that Drew was one of the best things that ever happened to me and never the worst.  Living,  for Drew.  And also for Molly.  And myself.   I am more alive than I ever have been because of what I've been through in the last 18 months, not despite of it. 

And I can see that we have and are continuing to grow and build from Drew.  I could tell we are different people now while on the trip.  After only two years in between a "just us" vacation, the changes in us during that time was very obvious to me.  We are more patient with delays or annoyances, more kind and understanding with each other and others.  We are more easier going, not many things are a big deal anymore. I could see the differences in myself as well as Josh, we are more passionate--whether its in happiness or sadness.  And I decided I like who we've become, who we are now.  I have to pause in my heart to acknowledge the great price that was paid to get us here, but I'm glad we are here.  I can begin to feel gratitude for it.  I am so, so grateful for what God, Drew, and what the love of others have done for us and to us in the last 18 months.  And because of that, all that has been poured into us, I will continue to fight each negative thought and fight through each hard day to allow God to transform and use me just as He has planned.   "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)