Recognizing Drew in Today

I've been feeling much better this week after the wave of grief that crashed in a couple weeks ago. All the encouragement, and the memories that were shared with me throughout that week really helped to comfort me.  It left me wondering why I didn't ask for memories before!  Each was like a little gift, a little glimpse of him again, and it was wonderful.  It doesn't bring him back, but it reminds me how truly amazing he was--and still IS.

I love that it's a lot of nurses who have the stories too.  Just like in his last week, as staff member after staff member came through his room, many leaving in tears, I realized who his friends were.  Not many kids his age, but so many adults from all walks of life, that obviously grew very close to him.  Many that I think would actually call him their friend, as crazy as that sounds.  A little two year old boy, but that was him.

He drew people in, and shared with them his joy, his love and sparkle for life.

And lately, I seem to be able to feel that sparkle again.  I may not be a firm believer in physical signs yet, but I have had several experiences where it just feels like him.  The playful, excited, happy little "Drew" feeling seems to surround me, and I could swear he was there.  It's a hard thing to describe, but it washes over me at times.  A distinct presence, that has a start and a fading away...I felt the sensation several times last week, as I read those stories and memories--almost like he was smiling along with me at the memories, or waiting to see my reaction to his antics that I didn't even know about (how many nurses and ladies did he snuggle when I was out??).  As I read the memories and felt him again, I was surprised and happy that it didn't just make me more sad that he's not actually here anymore, but that it really did make me feel better. 

But I also decided that maybe I don't need to focus on remembering him so intently as I talked about last post, but welcome who he is and his place right now in my life.  Recognize the new relationship we have together, because there definitely is one.  I talk to him and Snick a lot during the day while Molly's in school.  I'll do things differently, respond in different ways to things in my life, because of his. 

And it's not just the feeling of his presence I'm beginning to recognize that is with me, but that he is also with me through the evidence of, and impact from, his life.  Which I carry with me into each new day.  Just like when I make my pie crusts from my late Grandma Phyllis's recipe, and she's a part of my morning again.  Or how the influence of a dear friend who convinced me to cook with fresh ingredients and whole milk can be seen, even though she has since moved away.  Or in the warmth of the scarves handmade by another friend who's moved on from Austin, warms me up physically but also with the warmth of our friendship even though we are states apart.  I don't have to put so much pressure on myself to remember the past in detail, but maybe instead I should try just as hard to embrace the present, and recognize the ways Drew is and will always be a part of my life right now.

There is so much going on with Warrior Wagons right now, it is another place to see Drew in our lives today.  I am overwhelmed by the support and opportunities that are coming our way.  A handful of businesses and just as many individuals and families are coming together to collect items for the Wagons or to raise funds to support the Wagons.  God is providing beyond what we could have ever imagined, and we are so grateful for the support.

The impact Warrior Wagons is having on families is just as amazing, if not more so.  Families are reaching out to us with appreciation, but also stories of the comradery the Wagons are bringing between cancer families, and the encouragement they gain from our story. One Mom even shared with me that the only place besides her lap where her daughter is calm in the examine room, is in her Warrior Wagon.  That she imagines Drew somehow comforting her in the Wagon at those moments.  It's such a beautiful thought that brings tears to my eyes, making me confident that we are doing exactly what we are suppose to be. And it brings me so much joy to imagine along with her that Drew is not just the inspiration behind the cause, but a very real part of it right now.

And as I share about him and what we learned from his life to various groups as a speaker, I can feel him with me again.  I had another opportunity to speak just the other week, this time to a high school religious education class.  I was asked to share how my faith carried me through our last year and half, which at first seemed pretty broad.  But I feel like I narrowed down what living by Faith meant for me, and focused our experience into a discussion that was relatable and appropriate to the high schoolers about living with the big picture in mind.  It seemed to be well received, and I even heard back from a student who is now inspired to be pediatric nurse, which is awesome!  The world needs great pediatric nurses.  This talk made six different times this year that I've been privileged to share our story.  From preschoolers to ladies more advanced in age and several groups in between, I am always left feeling so honored to be a part of what God is still doing through Drew's life, revealing Truth through the tragedy. 

Whenever I give a talk about Drew, share his story and all that we learned though his life, it helps bring some purpose to our suffering.  And as I speak, I can tell he's with me, that "Drew" feeling comes to me.  And "we" share the story, as if it's our little thing together.  After all, it is his story!  Like, I could say "Drew and I have a gig next week, talking to another group." 😉

Obviously there are some days I wish I had more than just a feeling of his presence, and that I want HIM here, not just evidence/influence of him in my life.  I want so desperately to actually feel, hold, smell and hear him again.  And I think it's those days that I am clinging to the memories, trying so hard to hold on to the past.  However, I think I'm seeing that to move forward in a healthy way, I have to let go of the past, not try to hold on so desperately.  Instead, focus more on the present, acknowledging and enjoying the ways Drew's still very much a part of our lives, even as I am always looking forward to the day we can be together again.



Thanksgiving is this week.  A time to count your blessings, to look around and appreciate all you have.  A day we spend with family, eating and celebrating with thankful hearts.  I remember last year people asking me if it was going to be hard to be thankful, in the situation we were in.  And maybe this year some of you may wonder the same thing.

The answer I gave last year was that we were very thankful, and had spent the whole year counting our blessings and appreciating what we had--because we understood how quickly it can change, how fragile life was.  And this year it's even more true.  We not only know, but have experienced how fragile life is.  We've seen life and death now, and live in the world with that reality as a part of our daily life. 

Are we thankful?  Yes, so very much.  I kiss and hug my Molly every day, many times just because I can.  We thank God for each donation, each family that we have the privilege of helping through Warrior Wagons.  And I am so very grateful for each opportunity I'm given to talk about my Drew, and share all that we learned with and through him.  I need to continue to choose to be thankful, which I know will bring me true joy, each and every day.

Last thanksgiving Drew was feeling so good, he acted like nothing was even wrong.  He played with the teasing grandpas and uncles, sat with the snuggling grandmas, stole Great-Grandma Marj's walker, and colored at the kid's table.  He reminded us all once again, to choose joy and to live life to the fullest every day. 

I wrote in a CaringBridge update last year at Thanksgiving time, "So as we go into Thanksgiving this year, with the reality that we may not have our Drew physically with us next year, we continue to be so so grateful for the time we have. To savor each moment like it may be our last. And give thanks for all God has given to us this year."

This thanksgiving I'm again so, so grateful for what have and what we are able to do.  And just as thankful for what we had, all those stories shared last week reminds me that each day with Drew was a such gift. How blessed we are that all the bad days of his last year probably would combine together for a total of like 8 weeks, but the other 44 weeks of the year were pure joy, and we didn't take a single day for granted.   And increasingly so, I'm also thankful for the many ways Drew is still with us, and always will be ❤