Together Through Joy and Our Love

We made it through. Molly's back to school, the tree is put away, my house is clean again, laundry caught up, the fridge is stocked. The first Christmas as a family of three, done. And you know? It was okay. Much like the whole of last year, it had its high and low points, but the highs outweighed the lows, and I guess that's all we can hope for.

I am so glad I took the time to think, to feel, and to grieve before the celebrations began. To get my head in the right place, so it could guide my heart through. As Christmas came closer and closer, I braced and repeated in my head all I know to be true. But the closer it got, I was surprised how less and less I had to remind myself why I could have joy--because Molly was SO full of it.

So much like her brother during his last year of life, Molly got so excited, nearly burst with joy during the last 2 weeks, it was nearly impossible to not have joy with her.

She made a sign to welcome Santa (with some help), and carefully picked out carrots for the reindeer, and left a cute note along with cookies for the big guy.

She went to bed so full of anticipation and excitement that night, that the shadow of Drew, although still there, shifted to the background, as I was just as eager as she was for morning to come so I could see her reactions the next morning.

Morning came, and she opened her gifts, squealing with delight...

Even a special one I bought "for" Drew. You see, as I wrapped dolls and pink Legos and sparkly crafts, I just had to wrap something for a boy. For MY boy. So I went where I knew I couldn't go wrong--the John Deere dealer. I took my time looking over each shelf, the same ones Drew picked a toy from last year. I finally decided on the perfect one. A hay baler attachment for his big tractor. Molly and I had talked about them a lot in fall as we'd see them in the fields, and I knew she'd love it too.

Will I do this every year? Maybe. Maybe this can be a new tradition, a "thing"-- we'll add to our Green collection each year. Perhaps after time it'll be just a little ornament or trinket. But for now, as not only Molly, but other little boys visiting still play with the tractors, it made me happy to buy and wrap up something for Drew's tractor to pull... 

After we opened Santa's gifts, we went straight to Ames for Christmas Eve/Day with my family. It was a nice time and I'll never forget the awe and wonder in her eyes as she stared at the candle during the Christmas Eve service.

We all stood together with my 96 year old Grandma, watching my mom on stage with the choir, singing Hark the Herald by candle light. As we sang of the angels singing "Glory to the newborn King", I thought, I bet Drew has that same look of wonder and awe. Surrounded by all of our loving relatives already in Heaven with him, not only singing of the same Glory, but actually being a part of the Glory. It really is mind blowing to think about: my Drew, a part of His Glory...

And as the tears fell, a peace washed over me, a familiar calm that I've felt before. I could feel us together somehow, the four of us, through the divide between this life and Heaven, in joy and through love. And my heart could believe for a few minutes that it's going to be okay, we are going to be ok...


And of course Molly's birthday. It was an all day affair, celebrating her turning six years old. From start to finish, it was a everything a little girl could want! I put some streamers and balloons around the house before she woke up, and made a special breakfast. At the Y, she "got" to play in the kid's room she normally doesn't get to go to anymore since she's in school (bonus Mom got her workout in😉), then after a quick stop at home for me to shower, we met some friends for lunch at McDonald's--since we don't normally do Happy Meals it was a treat too! Then she and I went to the nail salon for her first manicure, which she loved! We opened gifts at home after Josh got home from work, went to Pizza Ranch for supper (one of her favorites), and capped the day off with a candle in her snowflake cookie. Whew! I was tired. But it was worth it.

Something about birthdays now. I have always enjoyed birthdays, and used to vow I would never be upset about my age, it's a privilege to make it another year! Well, after this year, this truth has never been so true. And on December 26th, I celebrated the gift that Molly is to me. On the day she was given to us, and everyday since.

I celebrated the strength, wisdom, and bravery in my little girl that's not-so-little anymore. The way she pulled me into the wonderful season of Christmas with her joy and excitement, is just what she's done for me all year, and what I suspect she'll do the rest of our lives. She'll help me to find joy in life, because she does. And I won't take a single of her birthdays for granted. I will celebrate and be so grateful for each one I get with her here with me. And really, shouldn't that be the way it is anyway, for all of us?

And so we did it, the Beckers made it through the end of 2017. Maybe not all together like we'd hoped at the beginning of the year...

...but together in a new way. Through joy and our love for each other, possible through the Grace of God, the Beckers were together at the end of 2017 too, I felt it. And I will take that with me as we begin this first year that Drew was never in, and face all the memories--grand and awful--from this month a year ago. I'll especially hold close the peace and hope I felt this Christmas season in 16 days, when we mark one year from the last day we were with our Drew. Maybe my heart can believe it again...it's going to be okay, we will be okay.