Back to a Painful Realty...

We just returned home from another amazing trip, this time to the luxe Punta Mita, Mexico.  I feel so obnoxious and like I should apologize for such extravagant vacations back to back--but we really didn't plan it!  They both kind of fell into our laps, and we are so very, very grateful.

Josh earned the Chairman's Inner Circle award and this once-in-a-lifetime trip through his hard work last year at Hormel, specifically through several personal projects. More pictures, again, I posted on Facebook if you'd like to see them!

This trip was so special, because it was for Josh. I was so happy to see him recognized. Acknowledged. So often I get more of the praise between the two of us since I'm the most vocal, visible, about our personal life and situation. But make no mistake, Josh is backbone of this family. Without him and the dedication and focus he brings to our home, just like he does at work, we would not be where we are today. I am so proud to be his wife!

Molly did not come with us this time. Which, after 9 days all together in Hawaii, I was okay with--it was nice to get a break from Mom Duty!  But of course I missed her. This was the first time we've been apart for more than a night since the cruise Josh and I took last April. When a friend she was staying with sent me this picture of her, the missing her really hit me.

Even while laying pool-side, I found myself studying it.  I wonder what she's wearing today, under that coat. She doesn't look too tired, she must be doing okay! In fact, she looks so beautiful...I looked at her sweet face and a part of me couldn't wait to get home to her, even though I was surrounded by so much beauty.

And then when we got back, the reunion was so great! She smiles, does this nervous/emotional giggle when we see each other again after I've been gone.  We kind of stared at each other, re-familiarizing ourselves, pointing out changes/new things (Mom--you look different; Molly, your nose healed!!). I listened to her talk, really listened to her tell me about all she did while we were gone. I watched her, and thought how big she seems! Its been nice soaking her up again, getting settled back in his week, with a fresh appreciation.

Being here with her again, for breakfast at our table...its just so much sweeter after even 5 days away...

As the relief this week of being back with Molly subsides though, its making me yearn for the reunion that didn't happen...the one that wasn't here when I got back. My heart hasn't forgotten the child of mine that I didn't get a hug from, or get to see how much he's changed since last I saw him. Oh these last few days, getting reunited with Molly, makes me SO impatient for when I get to do this with my Drew. When the relief from that longing will finally be felt.

Five days made me tear up when I got home and sat with Molly again--and with Drew, it's been over a year now.  OVER A YEAR since I've seen, heard, smelled my baby boy.  I haven't forgotten, my heart hasn't given up hope for the reunion that is to come.

And what a reunion it will be! Like soldiers coming home after a long tour abroad, it will be passionate and emotional. I wonder how long I'll watch him. Listen in amazement at what he tells me he's been up to. Studying him in detail, taking in all he has become--fully healed in Heaven's glory. Will he do the same to me? Has he been seeing us this whole time, or will he take some time to get reacquainted with us like Molly did this week? I guess we think not. He isn't missing us like this. He isn't spending time pondering our arrival, wondering what we're doing...

It's always hard to get back into life after a vacation, a break. And especially when the vacation was over 3 weeks in total, spent between two trips. And even more especially hard is it when real life is in such a difficult season. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining--that I'm ungrateful for the absolutely wonderful gifts that both of our trips were. It was marvelous to have a distraction from the missing, a break from the heartache!

But here it is again.

I'll have to get re-used to the weight of this load, the burden of this grief. Picking it back up again after setting it down for a time...wow. It's heavy.

I didn't expect to feel like this--didn't anticipate these emotions. I think a lot of us imagine we'll return from a vacation so refreshed and recharged, we'll be killin' it when we get back! But in reality, it's hard to shake that care-free, comfortable feeling we got used to on vacation.

I should have known better, but I didn't think about how missing Molly would open up the wound of missing Drew, which was actually starting to heal.  Even after a year, I am still experiencing new things related to this great loss, which is why I continue to share. To show how this is indeed a lifetime's journey of grief, not something that you can simply "get over". It will always be a part of our lives.

Maybe this should encourage me. As much as I missed Molly for a mere 5 days, and I sit and wonder how I'll ever make it missing Drew like this over my whole lifetime--I can choose to look at it as I've already gone a whole year. I have been able to get used to the missing, and have found a way to enjoy life. I have adjusted. Compensated in other areas of my life to accommodate this hurt. Thank goodness for the help from Above who teaches the balance, the path to tip-toe as to not fall into the gorge of grief. I don't think it's possible not to fall in without it.

So I guess I just need to remember all I've learned, and to take it one day at a time as I get used to this load again. I don't have to have the strength to make it a lifetime without Drew, just enough strength to make it through today. Be thankful for all I have, and look for all the good things in this day, even if they are mixed in with the bad or hard. And tomorrow, I'll start again. And He'll give me my daily bread, my daily dose of Grace to get through that day.  And so on, and so on.  Row by row...