Making the Best of It

Our loss, will be a part of everything we do, everything we experience, for a while if not our whole lives. Because we'll never stop loving Drew, we'll never stop missing him. But I think as I begin to expect the sadness, get better at acknowledging it and incorporating it in to my experiences without taking away from my joy, I will be doing the best I can after such a tragedy.

Our first fundraiser for Warrior Wagons was one of those experiences. Josh and I spent so much time and energy planning and organizing the event, that I didn't really think about and prepare to feel our loss as heavy as I did through it.

I somehow was surprised that as the big day approached it felt a lot like a "first", like the many we've gone through since Drew's death. The familiar buildup began in the few days before the event. I started feeling the mixed emotions, the internal struggle of embracing and allowing the joy/excitement for our big night, while at the same time enduring the heartache, the missing of our little boy.

For some reason, I seem to still catch myself feeling excited or happy and feel guilty or that I'm being inappropriate somehow. How can you smile and have a party, don't you even remember what brought you here, that your son died?? Don't you even care what happened? my heart seems to ask.

I worked to set it straight--my head knows better. I know I haven't forgotten. I know I wouldn't have chosen this path, that I never would rather have it this way. I would give anything if I could only have my Drew back, totally healed. Being excited and pleased by what we're doing doesn't take away from that, doesn't make that any less true.

And really, I know that no one else thinks those things. I'm pretty confident no one else wonders if we've forgotten, if we somehow would rather have it this way. Why do I do this to myself? Prayerfully, I'll need to continue to dismiss these thoughts as they pop into my head, as they try to take away my joy. It's what the Bible calls "taking every thought captive" I've decided, what that means in real life. Stopping myself right there and granting permission to be happy even in the midst of our grief...




And then the day came, and it was so wonderful. I think I can say that it was a great event from all the accounts. So many told us how well it was planned, how much fun their kids had, and how good the food was! Which was so nice to hear, after spending so much time working to make it happen in the last few months.

It was so fun to see it come to life after planning it for so long. The face painting, kids carnival games, jugglers--all came together to create a really fun atmosphere along with the "adult" stuff on the fundraising side.

And plans not only came to life, but grew beyond what we imagined. The silent auction ended up having 60 items, and we even added a raffle! Outside, the one tractor that was planned to give kids rides turned into three!

A firetruck and police car made it a party in the parking lot, in addition to the party going on inside.

But what really made it was the people. By 5:15 the place was hoppin', and it stayed that way until after our program was done at 7:30. It was so amazing to see people from every area of our lives, and all parts of the community. We even had a Warrior there with her extended family! It all added up to be just breathtaking. The stories people told me, the way Warrior Wagons has inspired them, it was just awesome.

Josh and I had set a goal at the beginning of our planning at $20,000. I have to admit, I was hesitant to commit to that goal--it seemed like too much. Too high of a number. But I got behind it, and we went to work. And at the end of the day, minus expenses, Warrior Wagons took in $26,000!! It is truly amazing, and humbling. I'm still in awe of what a community can do, what GOD can, do with willing hands and open hearts.

Yet, my heart was feeling the empty space without my Drew. It ached for the little boy that wasn't getting to ride in a tractor, or have a fire hat placed on his head. What would he have gotten painted on his cheek? I missed my Drew. And I know he would have had a blast at the party, he did have a blast at the Make-a-Wish reveal party which we kind of modeled the kid part of our fundraiser after!

And apparently I wasn't the only one. So many in our community who followed our story, felt like they knew Drew even if they'd never met him. And some shared with me at the event or after it that they felt the loss, the void without Drew, right along with us. It was comforting in a way to hear, that others missed him too. And a few went on to share that they felt Drew there with us, which was even more comforting. I did too!

I realized that the undertone of sadness some were feeling that night wasn't all about Drew either. As I watched the sideshow run through showing some kids who have received a Warrior Wagon in the last year, my heart ached for them too. I know what those kids have had to experience. I feel for their mothers who have had to watch, helpless as their babies fight for their lives. I hate that this has to happen in the first place.

I wish that children didn't get cancer and would never be in need of a Warrior Wagon. It breaks my heart that we have already learned that one child who received a Warrior Wagon has joined Drew in Heaven, meaning another family has to go on without one of their littlest members. Childhood cancer really is a sad, terrible thing.


But, there is Hope.

We can have a party, and celebrate the smiles. We can come together as a community and provide for these families. We are able to show families just like ours, that people care, and they aren't fighting alone. And that, is huge. It's all we can do.

We can't change what has happened, or the terrible things that are in the world, but we can choose to make the best of it. We can choose joy instead of despair. Which doesn't mean that we deny the obvious sadness, or that we pretend it doesn't exist. But like I said above about my life after Drew's death, if we all can learn to incorporate the sadness into our experiences in a way that doesn't take away from our joy, then we're doing the best we can in this tragic world. Not allowing cancer to win in our lives, or in our community. We will be following a special little boy named Drew's amazing example of smiling, even as we endure.

And I think that's just what we did last Friday night.