Gaining Sight

I had been noticing that things were blurry for a little while. I'd be ordering from a menu at a fast food place or coffee shop, or find myself squinting to read street signs and would think to myself, I bet that should be clearer than this. Josh kept telling me to go to the eye doctor, who I hadn't seen since before Molly was born. So when I was making him an appointment recently, I made one for myself too.

At the checkup I told the eye doctor what I'd been noticing, that things aren't as clear I know they should be. He said he wasn't surprised things were blurry to me after looking at my report. My eyes had changed a lot since the last time he saw me, and he recommend correction now.

As we flipped through the different lenses and finally landed on the right prescription--I was amazed. I was suppose to be able to read that poster on the wall over there? How much clearer the office looked already!

I decided to order contacts, and hopefully wear them most of the time since I'm out and about a lot wearing sunglasses, I didn't want to have to switch back and forth or go without. But I picked out frames for glasses too that would come in sooner and could be a back up option.

I waited over the weekend and a few more days for the glasses to be ready. I was anxious to get them--excited to see! But also nervous, not wanting things to change at the same time. I like not having to bother with any of it, just getting up and going! I also have a claim to fame I can't make anymore--without ever having a cavity, broken a bone, have any allergies or required glasses, I joke that I'm a perfect specimen! Not anymore..

Seriously though, I do feel like it is the end of an era. I made it 32 years without glasses, but from now on, I'd be dealing with either contacts or glasses to see. A part of me is sad that I'm not going to be the same as I was when Drew was here. I'll look different now, or will now add another step to my routine in the mornings. I know that may sound trite or corny, but when you are a mother who has outlived her child, you do think about things like that. It is another reminder that life is going on, without my baby boy. He'll never have been in my life as a glasses-wearer, and it's one more thing that has changed since the time he was here.

The next Wednesday they called to say my glasses were ready. I eagerly drove over to pick them up. I handed the eye tech my phone to take a few pictures of me as I put them on for the first time (yes, I'm a typical millennial that has to document everything they do...).

Just as I expected, it was so amazing. Everything was so clear! It would take some getting used too I could tell (like looking underwater! Depth perception was even effected!), but what a difference. I didn't wear them home, but had them on the rest of the day. Pictures on my walls, book titles on the book shelves, even Molly's face that day when she got off the bus seemed so detailed! Trees outside were so intricate--their leaves and bark. It is incredible. And crazy that I was that blind and didn't even realize it.

My family has been supportive, in their own ways. Molly told me by day two, "Can you stop talking about what everything looks like!". Josh is teasing me that I didn't even really see Hawaii, I don't even know how beautiful it truly was! I think maybe that just means we have to go back 😉

I've gone a week now with corrected vision. And the more I experience this shift and have time to think about it, I've realized just how similar this is to the new perspective we've gained in the last few years. It's like we too can finally see clearly all that's in this world. From tractors in the field, to the changing of the seasons, and plants in my garden...

Life can open your eyes to what is real in this world. And once the Spirit lifts the veil from the surface stuff that so often conceals and distracts from the divine that really is out there, it's amazing what we can see.

I feel like in the last two years, that is what has happened to me. I am amazed at what I see now, what I learn, what is revealed to me in the everyday things of life since I've become aware of them. Now that I take the time to take it in. If you've been reading along with me these last couple years, you've seen what I mean, you know what I'm talking about.

And just like thinking back on my uncorrected eyes in Hawaii and wondering how much greater the views could have been, I wonder what I missed in life before I started paying attention. How many moments were right in front of me with my kids that could have been so much more if I wasn't so stressed out, or too frustrated to appreciate them?

How many interesting people, wise souls, could I have learned from if I would have been willing to listen? What struggles could I have avoided if I only had the perspective I have now?

And how many people are out there right now who, like me, don't even realize how blind they are? They are so wrapped up in keeping up, staying ahead, being the best "ME" they can be, that they are missing what matters, what actually counts.

This new outlook on life has come at a cost though, as you all are well aware. The price I had to pay, I carry around with me everyday. The loss of something as great as one of your own children is an eye-opener to state the obvious. Is it worth it? Do I wish I could just go back to the way I was before, oblivious and ignorant to the bigger picture?

I'm not sure I'd say it is "worth it"--how could I?  But I know I can never go back. It's not my choice anyway, even if I wanted to. So I guess it's worth the weight I carry today to be able to see the joy, learn life lessons, be awed by His mysterious ways every day.

I know sight from contacts or glasses come with some hassles, some inconveniences. But it's worth it to see the eyelashes on my daughter's eyes.  In the same way, even if I wish the circumstances that brought my perspective would have been different, I would never want to miss all that I see now. 

And will endure the "hassles" and "inconveniences" of this outlook.  The grief, but also the not so wonderful things I notice now.  Because sometimes I see things now that break my heart too.  I overhear conversations at the hospital, I see pain in people's eyes, I feel the struggle that some people are facing and it hurts me also.  I see the good each day, but sometimes I see the bad as well.  But, that has a purpose too.

Now that I've had glasses for a week, I'm really starting to get used to them.

I don't get too far in my morning routine before I am reminded I can't see too well, and I put them on. Or after a shower, when I forget them on the bathroom counter, it's obvious I need them quickly. And one night last week we went to a party and I decided not to wear them, and was amazed at how blurry everything was--this is how I lived?

And it happens like that too with perspective I think. Some days we get distracted again, the veil of worry, jealousy, pride, or resentment conceals the big picture from us. But after we've been enlightened so-to-speak, we can quickly catch it. We realize how silly we're being, how petty. And the deeper world calls us back. At least that happens to me, but I'm so glad I realize it now, and get myself back to where I know I belong.

I hope that not everyone has to be shown what's real in this world in such a dramatic fashion as I've been. I hope perspective doesn't come with the cost I've paid for it to any of you. My hope in what I write is that you'll use what I've been through and take a short cut to some of the conclusions I've drawn from life, that I've drawn from Drew. And with this new perspective, this new spiritual sight I guess you could say, I feel like I'll have material for a long time to come!

So just take the time to look around you. It's not silly and dramatic if you really do learn something about life from that experience of running a long distance race. Or if that squirrel teaches you what it means to trust God for your daily needs. Or the changing of seasons speaks to you about where you are at in life. It's pretty cool what's out there, if we have the eyes to see it. Literally as I've found out this week, or figuratively, that I'll spend the rest of my life finding out.