Drew's Story - under construction

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Drew's Birthday

 

Tomorrow, my Drew would have been eight years old. 

He would have been, if he hadn't died before he even had the chance to turn three. We've marked Drew's birthday five times now without him. Each time, it has been hard. 

His birthday is harder for me than his Glory day. I think it's because on his birthday, it highlights what could have been. It points out not just his life that was lost, but the life that was lost. Years, decades, an entire lifetime of milestones that will never be achieved. Events that will never take place. Moments that have been put on hold until the next time we are all on this Earth together.

Birthdays take a parent, and a mother especially, back to that first day with the newborn baby.  It reminds you of the journey that was taken together, you and your child, bringing them into the world.


Your heart remembers the wonder and joy of that new life that was just beginning. The hopes and dreams you had for your precious baby, as you thought about the whole lifetime they had ahead of them.


For those of us who have lost a child, birthdays are like salt in a forever-open wound. The twisting of the knife that will only be removed after we're reunited with our baby. 


It's so hard to picture my sweet two-year-old Drew as an eight-year-old boy. Would he be as tall as his sister? How many teeth would he have lost by now? What would be his favorite dinner, what he'd request for his birthday? What would be his favorite subject in school, what sport would he be playing? Would his blonde hair have darkened up like Molly's has, or have stayed light? 

Would he and Josh have a great father-son thing going, or would he be close to his Mama like many sons are? I already saw how much of a tease he was to Molly in his first two years, would he still be trying to drive her crazy every chance he got? Or maybe be a protective, caring little brother?


I can only think about what Molly was like at 8 to remember what that age was like. 

It's amazing that we were already living in Illinois, soon to be moving to Colorado, when Molly turned eight. It was the birthday we took her to the American Girl doll store in Downtown Chicago, where she had earned half the cost and we covered the rest of her very own *real* American Girl doll.

What would Drew have wanted for his birthday? Probably not an American Girl doll. Would he still be into John Deere? 

Maybe he'd have moved on by now and be an expert at Fortnight or Minecraft like many other boys at age 8. 


I hate that I'll never know. I sit here crying because I can only guess at the answers to all of these questions... 


I continue to spend time each week writing, working through 2016. As I go along, I am reminded just how much I enjoyed being Drew's mom. How much joy he brought to me nearly every day. Watching him endure so much, yet maintaining such a positive, warm attitude will always leave me in awe and full of pride.


 

Reading through stories in my journal, looking through photos, I remember what it was like to be Drew's mom. How it felt to have a boy who liked to make noise and messes. Who was always on the go and full of energy, but also the only one of my kids to enjoy and seek out a good snuggle. 


On his birthday this year I'm grieving him to be sure, and what could have been. But I'm also grieving my identity as Drew's Mom. People don't know me as that anymore, and they used to. 

I miss that.

 


We are freshly home from a big Spring Break trip. I shared photos this week, and it was every bit as wonderful as the images appear. We had the best time together, really enjoyed each other. Our family of three was in our groove together and had genuine joy experiencing new things. 

 

But as I've wrote before, joy and sadness go hand in hand. Both are present, and both are very real. It took me a while to recognize, to believe that. I can be truly happy, and also sad at the same time. 

Our trip was like that.

While our family of three had a wonderful time, my heart never forgets that we would have been a family of four. And there were glaring reminders of that all around. 

The smiling family photos that Drew's face is not in. 

The empty seat at the dinner table always makes me wince. 

At the water works area, when I watched Molly stand behind the brother and sister gearing up to race down the side-by-side slides. And then she stepped up to take her turn, and went down alone.

The light small talk with strangers in the elevator, or in line for pizza, that seems to always include the inevitable question "Is she your only one?" 

It's hard. It's a challenge to handle all these reminders of who's not there with us. Yet, we are getting better and better at dealing with it. At expecting and accepting those little blows around every corner, and still having a great time. It takes practice and intentionality to focus on the present, on the good, in those moments--to choose joy. But it's possible. God helps us through.

And so does Drew. He did a great job of letting us know he wasn't so far away after all as we made our way through the weeklong cruise. Together and separately, there were little coincidences, subtle and not-so-subtle nudges, that the brother and son we all wished was with us, actually was. Like a rainbow that appeared over the ocean, as we sat on our balcony talking about how Drew would have faired snorkeling that day.



I know the right answers here. I've already come the correct conclusions about Drew's birthday. He really wasn't ever going to live to be eight years old, or any other years older than two. God's plan for Drew's life played out exactly like it was supposed to. He wasn't, and neither were we, "robbed" of those milestones, the life moments. They never were ours to begin with, we just thought they would be.

We are thankful for the time God did give us as a family of four, as parents of a daughter and a son. I'm grateful for all the moments we did share together, the milestones Drew did reach in his short life.

I am still Drew's mom, and always will be. He is a part of me forever, and I bring him with me wherever I go. Nothing can change that. 

Molly will become the person she is destined to be. Not in spite of the loss of her sibling, her brother, but because of it.

Drew is with us on every vacation, every new adventure. I just know it!

God will restore all that was taken from us, the life that was lost. Someday, somehow, we will be made whole again. What that looks like and how it will feel we actually could spend time contemplating, because it really will happen! 

Lord, bring on the day.


But before that glorious day, and especially on my Drew's birthday, I can be sad too. Miss not just him, but his place in our family. I can miss who I was when he was here, and the son that I don't get to watch grow up.


April 1st, 2014, will always be a special day--the day we were given the gift of Drew James Becker. We couldn't have known we'd only get to keep him for less than three years. And I guess I'm glad we didn't know. I'm grateful we did have those special moments of hope and joy as we looked upon his face eight years ago. 




Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy. I wish with all my heart you were still here with us and blowing out eight candles tomorrow night. Not a day goes by that you aren't thought about or talked about, and I hope that's always true. We love you and miss you so much 💕

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