Timing

Well, after 16 months of work--some weeks more intensely than others--I finished the first draft of the book. I printed two copies, one to work with and one as a keepsake.

There is a possibility that it'll change, but I really like the title. Josh actually suggested it when we were discussing how Choosing Joy or Finding Joy seemed too overused and cliche. But the book really is about joy and how to experience it during difficult seasons as illustrated through our cancer journey with Drew.

"How about Grasping Joy? You have to really hold on to it in tough times." 

That's it! And as someone pointed out, it can also mean that we really came to understand joy that year, grasped the concept. The book kind of explains joy or teaches it through the story.

Perfect!

There's still plenty of work until it's actually done. At 276 typed pages and 146,269 words, there will be some thinning out to do first! Multiple rounds of editing. But at least I'm through the story. I poured over each CaringBridge post and personal journal entry from Drew's last year of life. I went through photos trying to gather details for certain moments in time--the pattern of the pillowcase, the look on Drew's face. 

On the blog here I use a lot of photos to help tell my stories, but in a book, I have to create the pictures in the reader's minds. Bring them on the journey with us through good descriptions. Something I found very challenging at first but started to get more comfortable with.

I got the first draft done the week before Christmas break. I gave myself that deadline so I could put it away, rest from the emotional work over the holidays and through the first of the year. The books I've read on how to write a book say to leave it for at least six weeks, so when you come back to start editing, you have fresh eyes and a new perspective. So that's what I'm doing!

Thank you to everyone who encouraged me along the way. My friends who listened to me as I processed the part of the story I was working on. Who gave me sympathy again and again as I sat with my grief. I really couldn't have gotten through to the end without people cheering me on and reminding me of why I was putting myself through this again. In a way, we all finished this big first step!

As I was bringing the story to a close in December, reliving the last joy-filled moments our family of four shared together in Disney World, God was working in the present. We've been praying about and working to secure a fourth branch of Warrior Wagons ever since COVID. But we kept hitting road blocks. The hospital we thought was our next one, fell through this fall. It was disappointing and left Josh and I frustrated. 

I started praying--if not that hospital, then where? If not that family to coordinate, then who? We kept ourselves open to other opportunities, while I kept writing. And then in November, someone approached us about getting Warrior Wagons in their hospital. She had heard about Warrior Wagons from someone at a nurse's conference and wanted to find out what it would take to bring them to her patients. 

We set up a meeting with the child life department, and details were worked out quickly. When it's meant to be, it's amazing how fast things can come together! I sent the first round of supplies to our new coordinator, and the first Warrior Wagons were given out at the hospital the week of Christmas. God answered our prayer of a new branch to Warrior Wagons in 2022, with just a couple weeks to spare!

So, on the same week I wrote the last line of the book, another chapter of the story was unfolding around me. The timing wasn't lost on me. I sat in awe of how God knows just what to give us when we need it most. On that week, as my son died again in my writing and I sat looking out my window totally broken a second time, God provided a reason for hope. For joy, once again. I was shown the good still coming from my Drew's life. Seeing some of the purpose in His plan as I read the first application that came through.

Drew's Glory Day is coming up. Next Thursday, January 19th, will be six years. Six years since the journey I just chronicled came to an end. Remembering the time just before his death, when we went on his Make-A-Wish Disney trip is just as painful as the week Drew died. The weeks were so close together, and in such contrast. The best week of our life followed by what I hope will be our hardest. 

Disney week was such a gift. It was the climax of our journey to real joy on this Earth. The happiness and love we shared was larger than life, went beyond our circumstances. Drew's sparkle seemed to fill the whole park. 

But its incredibly bittersweet to know that his sparkle would go dim just over a week later. He'd be gone, our little boy would leave us for Heaven, and we'd begin our own journey--with grief. 

And it has been another epic journey, our journey with grief. Transitions, stages, realizations, and acceptance. Sharing the path we found forward after such a tragedy could be the subject of another whole book. When I look back to where we began, those early weeks after Drew was set free, I can see how far we've come along that path. I'm sure you can see it too, as you've followed along. 

Another Warrior joined Drew in Heaven a few weeks ago. As I exchange messages with his mom, and with our own death anniversary approaching, I'm reminded just how tragic this ending to the cancer journey is. How unfair, how awful it is that any mother has to give her child back to God. My heart goes out to her, because I'll never forget what it feels like. It tears your heart out, it really does. A part of you dies with your baby, you're a different person after you leave the hospital for the final time without your child. 

Over the last six years, though, I've come to really like the person I've become. Which doesn't mean I have to like how I got here, of course not. But that I recognize and appreciate what God has done through our devastating loss. How much he's grown us, the places He's led us, and the work He's given us to do. 

On break from the book, as we mark another year without our son, God is showing me the big picture. Reminding me that He really does work all things together, revealing to me the ways He is still using our pain for something bigger. And that really is a comfort, exactly right now.

Because boy, I still miss my Drew. The phrases he used, the way he teased and joked around... 

Drew was SO full of life, up until his very last day. He pushed through, kept going, even when it got hard. He had grit, a buzz word as of late. But if anyone had grit, it was our Drewy. 

How poised and wise he was, at just two. He had a joy that cheered everyone up around him. 

Gosh, I just wish I could jump back into these photos. Kiss his sweet face, feel his weight in my arms again. Breath in and smell him again...oh I hate that I've lost that smell. I will spend the rest of my life longing for my baby boy, my precious son. 

He was in my dreams recently. I don't dream about him often, but just last week we were together. I was trying to give him a bath, but he kept standing up. I told him to sit down over and over. He was smiling and being ornery. Baths were always a part of our days, especially in the hospital. A special time that was always the same, no matter where we were. 

In my dream I carried him on my hip and we walked out of the bathroom after we were done with the bath. And then...then I woke up. And before I opened my eyes, I felt a wave of sadness that the dream was over, that he was gone again. It's always hard to get up on mornings when I've dreamt about my Drew.

But you know? I'm far enough along in my journey of grief to recognize his energy, his joy, in the present. There's been enough time, I've grown enough to allow the memories I recorded in the book and the dreams I have of him to not just make me sad but brighten my day. I can bring his sparkle into my life again, share it with the world, which brings me great joy.

I don't know what will happen with the book once I really am done with all I can do. I have a couple of people who have offered to edit for me. Which I'm thankful for! But from there, I am praying God will keep leading me into the next step. Go ahead of me and set up my path. Put up signposts and markers, arrange connections with people to guide me into publishing.

I've now spent over a year writing about how He did just that in 2016. The truths, promises, and lessons I learned as we went through cancer with our son are fresh in my mind as I move forward with this project that is very daunting in its own way.  But I won't let the enemy discourage me. No, I can't make anything happen on my own. The book will never be good enough if it's all up to me. But with the Lord's help and His hand of favor, nothing is impossible. 

We prove that, by where we are today. Six years from when we sat beside our son as he took his last breaths, and we looked up to God because we knew we couldn't move forward on our own without Him. Since then, He kept His promise of never leaving us. Of helping us through. And then He continues to add to the story we thought had ended on January 19th of 2016.

On this Glory Day especially, I'm thankful you're done with your earthly journey, my Drew. It was hard, and sad. I just spent 16 months crying about all that happened to you, all the times you hurt and I couldn't make you feel better. A lot was asked of you, there was a lot you had to endure without understanding why.  

I will try to keep moving along on my own journey, even if I don't understand each step. Let God use me as He did you. Trust His timing that is always perfect. Not too early, never too late.

I will bring you with me Drewy, watch for your presence in this world. Always looking forward to the day I hold you in my arms again sweet boy, give you a baths, kiss your face, and smell your smell 💖