Smoke

It's been a while since I've written on here!  The time has gone fast--I can't believe its been almost 4 months since we moved to Colorado. But at the same time, I'd say we do feel settled into our new home, and have found our "new normal", for now at least. 

The last of the boxes are unpacked, each set of windows have been dressed, and the more immediate adjustments/improvements have been finished around the house. Like everything else this year, the process for transferring drivers licenses and car registration was complicated by COVID restrictions, but we finally got those done too!

So I guess it's officially official, we're Coloradoans now!  We've been intentional about getting out and exploring our new state as much as we can this summer.  Thank goodness this state is so outdoorsy, there's actually a lot we can still do! 

We've found a favorite hiking spot near Boulder, that's easy enough for Molly to do, but still really cool. We've visited that spot a few times already! 

Including one very early morning.  We decided it would be neat to see the sunrise in the mountains, so we set the alarm for 4:30AM. That would give us enough time to get to the trail and hike to the top by sunrise, which was just before 6.  Molly wasn't too thrilled about the adventure, though.  Specifically, she didn't want to get up early and miss her usual Saturday morning breakfast. But once we got out of the car, into the fresh air, and made it to the top *just* as the sun was making its way over the horizon, she admitted it was pretty awesome.

The light from the sunrise gave everything a pink glow, like a great filter--but real! The cool and piney-smelling, early-morning air pleasantly woke up our bodies.  Stillness and peace seemed to fill the vast open space.  It was a wonderful morning, that we all agreed Drew was enjoying too, right there with us.  It wasn't awesome to get up so early, but it worth it, for the amazing views and experience of doing something different and special together. 

Many things are like that, aren't they?  Most things that are amazing cost us something. We have to work for, sacrifice, give up things in order to gain something even greater. Before the payoff, you question whether it's worth it. But after it's over, you know the struggle only adds to the value of the reward...

We found more typical things to fill the long days of summer as well.  Molly and I scouted out the best splash pads (that are open) and beat the heat from the hot Colorado sun. And recently we've signed up for time slots at our Rec Center's indoor aquatic area. We've even started a new tradition, getting 7 Eleven slurpees on Fridays!

We celebrated the 4th of July with my family who all live just an hour north of us.

The local church we've been streaming held a kid's day camp also in July!  Even though it didn't look or feel like our usual summer VBS (masks, limited groups, and only 2 days of the week), it was still something!

We also drove back to Iowa to visit family.  It was the first time spending extended time with both sides of our families since before COVID in March. We visited Coon Rapids, Emmetsburg, and Ames in a one week round trip.

Then Molly and I took a trip back to Austin, Minnesota, to attend to some Warrior Wagon work, but just as much to connect with old friends in town.  And if I'm honest, just to *be* in the town we'll always consider home. It was such a great time for both of us to reunite with our family of friends that were such a huge part of our lives--and still are! Funny how there is always more pictures of kids than adults...

My family came to visit after our Minnesota trip, so we hosted house guests for the first time! It was wonderful to have them, and got us a little more confident in our new home as we took them to some of our favorite places so far and enjoy some local eats!

And we are slowly but surely making some connections in the community. We've met some really kind and friendly moms and kids at the splash pad, parks, and even at garage sales! It's a start, and we're thankful for each new person in our circle. We hope to expand that circle as our church has finally opened its doors, and some activities are started to get scheduled again for fall. Please keep praying for us on this front!  

Gee.  When I sat down to start this post, I was planning to write about how different summer was this year, how we aren't getting to do most of the things we had planned, or that we normally do. But now, I'm not sure that's true. We had fun in the sun, cool treats, some travel, many new adventures, a VBS week of sorts....Yes, 2020 has of course been different than we expected, but I guess there was some normalcy to it after all.  It was just a little different this year. 

I guess like all situations, 2020 is what you make it. Which doesn't mean we can't be disappointed, frustrated and even angry at times, but that we don't let those feelings get the best of us. You don't allow the situation to have any more power in your life than it already does.  It's within our capacity to not let those negative feelings take over our experience of life, and steal the joy that IS there, if we choose to embrace it. All the while, doing what we can to make it better.

I'm writing all this to myself, as much as to you all as we transition into fall. Molly's school changed the re-opening plan twice, eventually having the school year start in an all-remote setting until at least the first of October.  It's certainly not what we were hoping for as we're really needing to meet people and make some friends.

But her and I, after acknowledging our feelings of frustration and disappointment, discussed how we can make the best of it. What we can do to have the best experience for what it is. So on the first day, we were careful to make sure we had all the apps downloaded, username and passwords ready.  We had her class station set up and ready to go. 

First days of school may always be emotional for me.  Not just because of how much more grown up Molly looks every year, but because of the empty space that will always be beside her. There should be two Becker kids on that step.  Third and first graders this year. How much more grown up would Drew have looked?  My heart can only ask, and wait for the answer in another life...

But so far, so good!  She's able to navigate between "classrooms" and keep up with the discussions.  She is completing the independent work, and even doing a pretty good job managing her time. While we pray that this arrangement isn't forever, I'm encouraged that we're off to a good start.

Josh is still working from home also, so we're just one big happy remote family :) And really, it is going very well. We all are genuinely happy here, despite everything. And this week I've been able to work on things while everyone is occupied in their respective work stations.  Getting caught up around the house, yard, and also some Warrior Wagons work. 

All three branches of Warrior Wagons are seeing a spike in new pediatric cancer diagnosis, and we've been scrambling to keep up!  Between making sure the coordinators are stocked up with supplies, corresponding with staff at the hospitals to update procedures due to the pandemic, and fielding messages from families and supporters, Warrior Wagons really is becoming a part time job!  Which I say with great satisfaction.  There's not many other things and people I'd rather be giving my time to. And it brings my Drew into my days again in a very real and meaningful way 💗 

Maybe you've heard, there are several big forest fires in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. You can smell it in the air, and see the smoke as a haze in the sky. Ash has even been settling on the cars parked outside overnight! We could see the smoke billowing up from the area of one of the bigger fires at sunset earlier this month:

Besides being in the air, the smoke has shrouded the mountains. At first, it just gave them a hazy look. Then you could barely see their outline through the smoke. And for the past few weeks, they are almost completely out of view. 

Its so weird to stare at where the mountains should be, where you know they are, but not see them. Most days lately it just looks blank, like an extension of the hazy sky. Like we're back in the Midwest!

 But I know they're there, they haven't moved.  They are so much bigger, more solid then the smoke. Yet, the smoke seems to have won somehow.  Erasing the mighty mountains from the horizon. 

I've been thinking a lot about the mountains and the smoke. Isn't this just how this year feels spiritually? The haze from all the negative going on in this world seems to have shrouded God's light in our lives. If we only go by what we can see, it's easy to think the smoke from the current state of many of our communities, has won.  It has succeeded in erasing God's presence and influence in our life. 

But just because we can't see God, doesn't mean He's not there. Just like the mighty mountains is God's righteousness (Psalm 36:6)--big and solid. Like the smoke in the air this month over much of Colorado, it is no match for Him. It can't hide His glory for long.  We can trust He's there, just like the mountains, even though after a while we are tempted to doubt.  

I know the smoke will clear from the mountains.  They will stand in brilliance again on the western horizon with their rocky and snowy peaks.  In the same way, I believe the smoke will clear from this world too. Things will be restored.  All will be made right. God will be a towering presence in our lives once again.  Hopefully soon in this life, but for sure in the next. We can all cling to that promise when everything seems so smoky right now. 

I hope the new season will be just that--a new season.  One of more freedom instead of more restrictions.  One of hope instead of despair.  I'm praying that peace will be more abundant than conflict in the rest of 2020. That there will be more joy instead of frustration and fear.

 But if not, I know that God is still there.  Just behind the haze of 2020...

We Made It!

Seems crazy that a whole month has gone by since we made the journey west to our new home in Colorado! But it has. And once again, a whole lot has happened in the last month, but somehow not a lot has happened in a way too. I'll start from the beginning!

The moving team came first thing in the morning to start packing up our house in Bolingbrook. It gives you such a weird feeling to watch all your things be boxed up and packed away by strangers. But one I'm so thankful for! Man, what a blessing to have so much of the physical work of moving done for us!

And then the next day came when they loaded up the big truck with almost all of our worldly possessions! As it drove off and we were left with an empty house save for a few folding chairs, air mattresses, and suitcases, I was reminded once again what really is essential in life. How funny it is we deemed only a few keepsakes, supplies and comfort items necessary to keep with us and trusted that the rest of what we owned would be brought to our new home the following week...

Travel day for us started bright and early the next day, and God answered our prayers for a safe and smooth caravan west to Colorado. We were able to stop and see my family as we made our way through Iowa for a quick, socially-distanced, parking lot brunch of Casey's breakfast pizza before we kept rollin'!

And seemly before we knew it, we'd made it to Colorado! Even Snickers did better then we thought on the 14 hour drive.

We spent 4 whole days without our things in our new home. While it was nice to get some deep cleaning done, decide on furniture/rug placement, get our mail situation figured out and internet line installed--boy was I ready to see my bed after so long on an air mattress! And all our other things of course...

As the moving team unload the truck--putting boxes in the correct rooms, laying area rugs down before they set up our furniture--I was so grateful once again for their service. Hormel's relocation package is so awesome! And makes these transitions WAY easier.

In the last month since we were left on our own to unpack boxes, set up, and get settled in--we've been doing really well. We were able to get most of the boxes unpacked and picked up from the moving company within a week! We're working on decorating (hanging more curtains 😒) and organizing--finding storage space and letting go of excess furniture and things we just don't have room for or need anymore. Moving helps you become more of a minimalist!

In between the unpacking and settling in--we have made an effort to get out and explore the area as much as we can. We drove just an hour up to Estes Park the 2nd weekend we were here and had fun being tourists for an afternoon!

                                                

While much of the indoor stuff is still closed, we've been taking advantage of the many walking paths and trails in our community. The views are just amazing! I never thought of myself as outdoorsy, but this state just might make me think twice about that...

While we are so thankful to have family in the area, we'd love to make more connections in the community.  But it's hard to meet people when parks, libraries, churches, gyms and pools are closed. Thankfully, Molly doesn't seem to crave social interaction like I do. Which, for now, I know is a gift. And since we already spent time figuring out how to get through the days in Chicagoland without those social outlets, it kind of feels like not as much as changed, just the setting we find ourselves in. But even so, I can't wait to start adding those things back into our days...

While we wait, we got ourselves an inflatable pool, have been trying out new recipes like homemade Jello popsicles, and getting out the Legos once again. And just this week, starting to go explore neighborhood parks that just opened.

It also helps to know everyone's kind of in the same boat. We all are missing those important places in our communities where we socialize with others, face-to-face. Everyone is having to find new mediums to connect, build stronger relationships with those in our family, and find joy in different ways. I'm reminding myself that God knows my needs, including my social ones. He realizes how important those connections are to me, and when the time is right, and not a minute late, He'll provide what I need. For now I will focus on our new home and enjoying my family. Which, actually has filled me with a whole lot of joy lately 💕

 

But I know so many are more than just inconvenienced right now by all that is going on in the world. Many people I know personally are struggling, are hurting, and feeling like there is nothing to look forward to as one thing after the other keeps coming up and effecting our lives this year. Anger, resentment, selfishness and mean-spirited attitudes seem to be coming at us from all directions, and it's hard to not let those negative vibes get to you.

I think back to 2016, my most challenging year yet. The year I was told my son would not survive his journey with cancer after all the harsh treatment we had consented for him to endure. My heart will never forget how crushed, helpless and deeply disappointed I felt. That year, anger, resentment, despair and hopelessness tried to pull me in, big time.

What kept me from falling into the negative? Many of you who followed our story know. It was gratitude. Trust in the Lord. And doing my best to live in the moment, not to let fear or worry rob me of the present, the time I did had with my amazing son.

I remember the day early on in treatment when God helped me see that all the bumps in our road--all the setbacks and challenges--weren't a deviation from the path we were meant to be on, but was His plan for us all along. Each infection, lost line, seemingly random complication, and ultimately the end of our journey, wasn't a mistake to blame on someone or something else, but had purpose. It all was meant to grow me, teach me, and make me a better follower of Jesus. A better mother, wife, family member and friend, if I would just say "no" to being a victim and be open to what good could come out of our situation.

2020 has been quite a year. Back in January when I wrote out my 20 in 2020 list and made other resolutions for the year, I had no idea what this year would bring. Not just our family's next chapter, but the things in store for the world in the coming months. For many of you, this is turning out to be your most challenging year yet, your 2016. Health and economic concerns, social unrest and racial tension, and mounting marital and family pressures as a result of all of it--there is so much trying to pull us into that place of despair, bitterness, and helplessness right now. But it doesn't have to win.

From my experience, I rest assured that God is in control. He won't ever abandon or forsake us. All the events of 2020 aren't a wrong turn from our path, a setback from where we are "suppose" to be as a country, or in our families or marriages. The challenges and struggles we face aren't a mistake, but is where we were always meant to be at this exact moment. This is all a part of God's plan. It has purpose, even though it hurts and seems so unfair. What is that purpose? How are we growing, learning, and becoming better people through it all? I don't have all the answers, but I know its worth thinking about.



One of the things I've enjoyed the most out here so far are the mountains. They are so amazing. You may know this, maybe you've been told or have visited, but when they become part of the background of your life, it makes them even more spectacular. Their grandeur and beauty is just captivating...  

They serve to remind me of my small place in this vast world. They reveal to me God's glory in a whole new way. Seeing what the mountains look like each morning (as the weather has such an impact on their appearance) is something that I look forward to when I wake up.

On one of our walks recently, with our section of the Front Range filling the space in front of us, I thought about just how far we've come in just 3 short years since those early months in Austin, Minnesota, after Drew died. No longer a "typical" stay-at-home mom of 2 littles, but now a bereaved parent with a 5 year old, I wasn't sure what life would be like, how we would move forward without our Drew...

But here we are, in Colorful Colorado! In just 3 years time we've made our new identity as not just a bereaved family, but a happy one. One that Drew is still very much a part of, just in a different way. We are a family that is growing together. We've built and manage an expanding non profit in our son's memory, and have literally moved forward twice now in less than two years. We're doing okay. More than okay, we are doing well. We are safe. We have enough, in many senses of the word. We have learned to balance our grief from the great loss of our Drew with love and joy most days. And in only a few years since our toughest year...what more could I ask for?

Maybe that can give you hope right now if you are one of the ones struggling this year. No matter what you are in the middle of, things can get better. And in a shorter time than you might think. In only a few short years, you can find yourself in a whole new set of circumstances. So keep your head up. Keep going. Trust that He will work all things out for your good. Really believe that, and count your blessings each day. 2020 may be a year that will stay with us for a long time. But hopefully, like 2016 for me, it'll be a year that, despite what it has cost, leaves you forever changed for the better.