Catching Up...

Well, I knew it would be a whirl wind of a summer--and it was. We had so much fun and made some memories that will last a lifetime. It went so fast--Molly had her first full week of school last week! And in the evening this weekend, we needed our long sleeves as we sat out on our patio!

But let me start at the beginning...

First this summer, Molly and I took our Friendship Tour!  We started off traveling to New Orleans to see the Knoll family.

...and then we moved on to Texas and stayed with the Gudgels for a few days!

We ended up added a third leg to the tour a month later when we stayed in Austin for a few days to spend some time in our hometown that's so special to us, and see our many friends there.

We had a half birthday party for Molly in June, and went to Corn Carnival in Iowa.

We then were a part of my brother's wedding in Missouri over the 4th of July weekend. It was a wonderful time with family celebrating my brother and his new wife.

We managed to venture out some in Chicago too--seeing the city from new heights after Warrior Wagon drop offs, and visiting the shore of Lake Michigan for a beach day.

We did have a *few* slow days at home. We hit the aquatic park all together, found new parks to play at, and had smores over our firepit in the back yard.

We had a summer bucket list that we did a pretty good job of working through. It was one heck of a summer that I'm glad we were able to do, but next summer I think I won't schedule quite as much. We are exhausted!

In the middle and in between all of this, there were moments that took my breath away. Moments that brought tears to my eyes. And moments that broke my heart all over again. I had dueling emotions, joy and sorrow, pain and happiness, all at once quite often. Each emotion very big and very genuine, which can be a lot to carry. I'm learning to expect it, figuring out the balance so both can be acknowledged, yet not overpower the other.

As I get back to work around here--getting the housework, lawn work, and Warrior Wagons work all caught up, I'm realizing I have some catch-up to do on my feelings too. Some of these moments I still need to work through before I can begin to sort out the moments coming up--what would have been Drew's first day of Kindergarten, the one year mark of us being in Chicago and the day when it becomes longer that Drew's been gone then when he was here with us. So this second week that Molly's back in school, I'll take the chance to do just that, catch up on my grief work too.



One moment that triggered a wave of grief for me came as I looked over at Molly on the airplane back in June. I looked over and saw my little girl again. As we traveled together, she actual was quite helpful. Independent. And really, most days now she seems so grown up. Yet, every now and then, I still see my little girl. Who still loves her blanket and is scared of flies. Who even though she's showering by herself and getting all ready for bed, still wants us to do the full routine to tuck her in. And that afternoon she had found her own seat on the airplane and selected and started up her cartoons all by herself, but still sat and held her lovie while she watched them...

Its bittersweet to watch her grow up right before my eyes. I got to know her so much this summer, as we spent genuine quality time experiencing life in different places and families, and also visiting old places and families--our home from another chapter. We had conversations this summer about so many important things. I was so thankful to be with her to have them--and surprised how much I learned from them too. It shouldn't surprise anyone that talking things out is how I work through things, and my Molly and I worked through a lot this summer together.

But it made my heart hurt. Not only to realize the days of getting a glimpse of my little girl are numbered, but gosh, I wish I had gotten the chance to know Drew like this. To travel with him. To see his strengths develop, to watch him transition from a little boy to a big boy as I'm seeing in Molly.

Why didn't I get the chance to do with him what I'm doing with her? Why couldn't I have gotten to know my son the way I feel like I know my daughter??

And then a still small voice whispers to my heart, "You will. Someday, you will..."

But that morning after Molly and I got back from our trip, even after that reassurance, I still sat in my big chair next to his urn which holds all I have left of my baby boy, with his blanket in my arms, and cried for what could have been in this lifetime...



We celebrated with one of the first Warriors to get a Warrior Wagon successfully complete their treatment this summer. As I scrolled through their photos and watched the video of this wonderful little girl ringing the "End of Treatment" Bell, I was taken back by the difficult emotions that came bubbling up in my heart.

We've been broken as we watched the lives of some of our first Warriors end, and I thought that was hard. But there was something different, a new kind of pain that I felt, as we got to see one make it through. Get the party, ring the bell, and "beat" their cancer. I wrestled with feeling so, SO happy for that little girl and her family, and at the same time, wishing it could have been us too. That we had gotten to share the smiling, triumphant post at the end of our journey instead of the ones I did share...

Just as my head was trying to talk sense into my heart, the same tough questions soaked in these difficult emotions came from my daughter's lips. And my head had to not only try to talk sense into my own heart, but into hers as well.

But it was a good discussion--honest and tear-filled. I listened to what I spoke out loud as if it wasn't me explaining. Sometimes that happens, I hear my words, but feel the Spirit really is the one doing the talking. And that morning, He spoke to both of our hearts about how this world is broken, life isn't fair. Not everyone gets a happy ending this side of Heaven, and only God knows why. But there will be a happy ending. God did heal Drew too, we just haven't gotten to be a part of the party yet. But someday...someday we will. And we can't wait for our turn to celebrate😊

We will have attended three weddings this summer after this weekend. And at each, the love, enthusiasm, and hope of the new couple was shinning to all. It was cute, and warmed the heart. It was so nice to see these people that are so special to me filled with joy and "home" with their new partner for life.

During these ceremonies, watching them vow to one another that they would be there for each other for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, really touched me. The words stung as they repeated them because I know all too well, that those worse times, sickness times DO come. In ways you never saw coming. And they shake you down to your core. Test your faith not only in each other, but in everything you once thought to be true. And in those times, it doesn't feel as magical as the "Big Day" felt. All you have to cling to is God, and the love, hope and enthusiasm you started with.

I hate that this sounds syndical. I don't want to be jaded by this world and what's happened to us. But it has changed us profoundly, and how we see life now. And being a witness to all these new couples beginning their journey together this summer made me think about myself back then. Especially on our anniversary. I thought back to that young 22 year old blushing bride I was and thought, if she only knew what she'd face as she happily repeated those vows...

But you know? I'm glad I didn't. And I'm glad that whatever these new couples may face is hidden from them too. Because you have to start off so full of love and hope and enthusiasm or you'd never make it. And it's good for the rest of us to witness it.

After 11 years, Josh and I have been taught a lot about life and death, love and commitment, and we still have so much to learn! It was good to hear those newlywed sermons, and think about the times when life seemed simpler. To be reminded of that young women, full of love and hope and enthusiasm for her new role as wife and to bring some of that back up to the surface again.

Each of these and a handful more I could have sat and wrote a whole blog about. But I only had 20 minutes before Molly woke up.  Or needed to get this and that done before we left again.  Or got distracted and never came back to it.

Which isn't so bad, right? I wrote in my journal, I talked with a friend.  I prayed about it, gave it to God, and went on with the day.  Continued to LIVE, while enduring the shots from grief. Something I promised my boy I would do as I watched his life end.

Putting this one together though, I miss it.  It helps me so much to get it out, piece it together, add in the photos--the memories--and get it all worked out in my head.  And as usual, if through my process even one person struggling with loss or disappointment, or questioning their faith can gain something from our experience, I'll keep writing.  Because I have a lot of things coming up to write about! So fair warning..

A Busy Summer Ahead

Summer is about to begin. In some ways, we've already began some of it's activities. Warm weather was a long time a comin' it seems, and since it's been nice we've gotten outside to enjoy it! Exploring our new home in the sunshine.

The park, eating meals out on our patio, going for walks on some local nature trails, ice cream runs at our new favorite place, and even hitting the pool this last weekend!

We already made a trip back to Iowa to visit family...

And attended the first of three family weddings this summer!

We have a lot ahead of us in the next 3 months. Soon after school gets out, Molly and I are going to visit some old friends in New Orleans and in Texas! I'm calling it Heidi and Molly's Friendship Tour😊 It will be so fun to rekindle friendships, reunite the kids, and see some new places together! Something we probably wouldn't be doing if things were different. But since we can, why not? #yolo

Then we have Corn Carnival in Iowa (a summer tradition of my parents' hometown), followed by a very big occasion in my family--my brother's wedding over the 4th of July weekend!

We plan to make a visit back to our hometown of Austin in Minnesota to see our family of friends before school starts again for Molly (Aug 14th!). And later in August my cousin in Colorado is getting married, and I have a girls weekend on the calendar in San Diego! Whew! We really couldn't have packed much more into the Summer of 2019.

It will be a wonderful season. A busy one! But full of family, friends, laughter, love, LIFE. Important moments, special celebrations, and no doubt, some regret at who isn't here to be a part of it all too.

In the last almost 2 and half years since Drew's been in Heaven instead of here with us, I've learned to expect the hurt along with the joy. That longing will be mixed in with the excitement. I now know that the more somber feelings don't have to overpower the good ones. I can be genuinely happy in the present, and a piece of my heart will always be aching for my baby boy. My head knows it's okay to enjoy life, but my heart will never stop missing my Drew.

As I think about, plan for, and get excited about all that the summer holds for us--experience tells me that it's wise to not push away the grief being stirred up. Spending some time allowing the tears to flow, for my heart to cry before these events are upon me, helps me to do better. I'll have released some of the sorrow, and therefore can be more present and embrace the joy of the moment.


So today, before Molly's done with school and becomes my shadow, I'm taking some time to do just that.

There will be Drew's once-playmates, without their old buddy. There will be little brothers and boy cousins that will be playing together--one short. There will be empty seats in the car on road trips, that could have been occupied. There will be family photos capturing big moments in our family's story, missing some very special people.

Even in the everyday moments this summer, I will be aware of what could have been, who is missing. I've shared before how Drew was not a cold-weather person. He never lasted long outside in the winter, but was the first one out the door in the warm months. Pushing his shopping cart down the sidewalks, sitting beside his sister as she drove the gator, running ahead to the playground at the park, making friends with anyone he could, even the neighborhood pets!

He only got one chance to swim in his older-toddler years. One week. On his Make-a-Wish trip in Florida, after we'd removed his central line, ended treatment, and let him be just a little boy again for the last 5 weeks of his life--he got to swim. And he loved it! 

He'd have had a blast at the waterpark Molly and I will be at this summer...

Oh, I miss that boy. I miss being his Mom. 

I miss the two of them together. Even if I know they'd be fighting! 

I don't have as many of the visual prompts for memories here in our new home, and that may not be all bad. But if I close my eyes, I can still see the park we used to walk to. The school we went to for school lunch in the summertime. I can look through these photos, watch the videos, and for a moment, he's back to life...and my heart breaks all over again.

The day will come when I don't miss him anymore, because we are together again. Each week, each summer, we are one more closer to that day. And maybe then, I will see just how much he was a part of this busy Summer of 2019 after all. On the Friendship Tour right along with us. In each group of little boys playing. Smiling his big cheese ball grin in all the family photos at my brother's wedding. And right behind his big sister on the water slides...

Maybe, just maybe, if I look really closely with my heart instead of my eyes, I will see it for myself as it happens❤