Row by Row

Drew's big surgery was on this day, a year ago.  Our families were there with us, and we waved to Drew as they wheeled him back, praying with so many that it would be successful and go well.  It was one time we really were faced with the seriousness of what we were up against.  Things could go wrong today, that could change everything, even take his life.  We tried to stay positive, but the what-ifs on those big days are so hard to ignore.  But by the grace of God and though the power of our army of pray-ers, we got the best news we could have gotten!  He didn't lose a kidney, or sustain any major bleeding from resecting the cancer away from a major artery.  The surgeon hugged me and said that he got all that he could, and what they couldn't, tested as dead.  I cried at the relief, and the joy that we had made it through another major hurdle.  So many celebrated and praised God with us that day. 

Today, as I think about that hopeful, positive celebration, it gives me a knot in my stomach.  An ache in my heart for that family, those doctors, everyone that was so high and so full of hope and determination for the future on this day, knowing how it turned out.  How my tears of joy turned into tears of heartbreak, and of deep disappointment. Its made me upset today, maybe even a little angry.  What good did it do us??  Who cares that they got it all, it all came back anyway.  Why did God tease us with such an encouraging report if it was going to all end the sorrow the way it did??  What fools we were to think it'd all be okay....

My head has been doing it's best to convince my heart of all we know is true through these strong emotions.  I know if our story didn't take such a startling turn, his life wouldn't have made such an impact.  It only took 11 weeks from when we heard "I'm sorry, but I've never seen a long term survivor from this position" to the nurses turning off his fluids because his kidneys were shutting down.   It certainly caught a lot of people's attention.  And how wonderful that we didn't know how it would turn out, or how could we have gone on?  

Thank goodness we did celebrate all the victories, that we chose to be joyful on that day, instead of worrying about the future, what good would that have done us?  We weren't fools, we were living like we weren't afraid of what cancer could do to us, we were not letting cancer take the celebration out of our victories, and trusting in the Lord.  We don't know what this surgery gained us in the long term, but we had another 8 months with him.  Josh reminds me that without it we probably wouldn't have had that long. 

Further, thinking about this day reminds me of another big truth.  That although our situation did change rapidly, God never changes.  "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever." (Hebrews 13:8).  We won't be disappointed, feel like we had the rug pulled out from under us when we reach Heaven and see God face to face. I am also reminded that God has never left us and he'll continue to be with us as go forward without our son.  "I will be with you always, until the end of the age" (Matthew 28:20).  I know all these things.  But today, I'm feeling the disappointment, all over again.

Here my baby was that night as we went to bed after his surgery.  It was a Facebook post I made thanking everyone for their prayers.  Declaring that we will keep marching on and fighting to get our Drew totally healed and cancer free.  Not a fool at all I guess, because that's exactly where we got him.  Totally healed and cancer free.  God does answer prayers.



My runs in preparation for the half marathon Memorial day are getting pretty long.  I had to go out on a county road to get the mileage in today.  As you can see, I had a lot of emotions and thoughts running through my head.  But I looked out and saw a tractor in the nearby field.  At first I thought, I hope that dirt cloud doesn't blow this way, it'll stick to all my sweat!  Luckily, it never did.  But as I watched that little tractor in that big field, I thought how small it looks!  How will it ever get through that big field?  I guessed the answer was row by row.  He just puts along, and takes it one row at a time. 

How will I get through all this?  As each day comes up and reminds me of all the ups and downs from last year, how will I have the strength to fight this battle between my head and heart each time?? I guess the answer is day by day, row by row.  God gives us the grace only to get through the day, "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning, Great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23) .  He will provide the strength when I need it.

I continued to watch the tractor and think, it actually isn't that little tractor that is doing the farming anyway.  He's the tool, a big tool, but its the farmer who is driving the tractor that really is farming the field.  That ought to make the little tractor feel better.  He doesn't have to figure out how to plow that whole field by himself, he just has to respond to the farmer, go where he's steered, and it'll get done.  Trust the farmer's plan.  I guess I can trust God, just like that tractor, and not take on the whole field, try to figure out how I will deal with things all by myself.  I'm just a tool, and there is so much relief in that.  And to just remember to take things row by row, and pretty soon the whole field will be done, and I can rest.

I look forward to the day that a tractor in the field is just a pretty scene.  But right now everything has so much meaning to it.  Maybe that day will never come, when I can just not think so deeply about everything.  Maybe this is another gift.  It's as if I can see into this other realm, this deeper world where God speaks to you through nature and things, revealing to you truths that can't be explained any other way than through experience.  I guess it's another gift Drew gave me, because before I certainly wouldn't have thought twice about a dirty tractor in probably a bug-filled field.  And since many of you know Drew's love for tractors, I guess I can just savor the feeling that Drew had a part in talking to me today too, through that little tractor.  Comforting me, teaching me on this day when I need it so much.  Even if it wasn't a green tractor ;)