After one of the first longer runs, I had what I thought was a blister on the edge of my foot. But it seemed different, more from pressure, then a point of discomfort. A running pal told me it probably was the start of a callus. Of course! That makes sense, why didn't I realize that myself. Your foot needs to toughen up, build up a tolerance for what is being asked of it, so that it can handle more and more. And that process can be painful, but nothing is necessarily wrong, its just how it feels to form the callas. Isn't that so with life too? I can think back now to the different "small" things, that still hurt at the time and seemed really difficult, which built up my endurance for the big stuff we've handled this last year. The process to make you strong hurts in an of itself, but is necessary to get you to where you need to be. I could tell you specific stories, things that we went through before all this with Drew, that I know were preparing me for this great trial. At the time, they were painful, and felt like something was wrong. But now I see. I was just building my calluses up to be able to handle this marathon we were about to begin.
Also, I learned a lot about pace. It is a marathon, not a sprint, literally! If I start out too fast, too strong, I pay for it later on. How many times in life do I go rushing in, race out of the gate, when it'd be better off pacing myself? Many times. Trying too hard to be "okay" after Drew's death. Even starting Warrior Wagons with high hopes and dreams, we need to not take on more than we can handle to start out. It requires a lot of self control, a lot of self awareness. I think I am still figuring this one out, and it has helped to see it physically in my training.
I have also been reminded of a phenomenon in running, that has new application. This is my third half marathon, and once again, I've seen that in the longer runs, the first 3 miles seem to be some of the hardest. And even the shorter, mid-week 3 mile runs sometimes feel worse than the long ones. Why? I think it's because it takes that long for your body to get going, to get into a rhythm. And since it doesn't feel good early on, you are left wondering how you can do it for the long distance. But what ends up happening is it isn't that hard the whole time. It does get easier, defying logic. Once you get going, miles 4, 5, and 6 and even beyond seem to fly by most times. "I could do this forever!" I sometimes think. But you have to get through the first 3 miles. Which some never do. They quit right before it was about to get easier. Maybe that's how this will go, since Drew's been gone. The first 3 miles, this initial period after his death have been hard. But I will find my rhythm. My body will get going. And it will get easier, defying logic. I won't always feel like this. It will get better, and I can go the distance. I survive off that hope many days right now, when I'm wondering how I long I can make it.
And of course I have to mention the lesson I learned from that tractor, which applies to running as well. Starting out with 13 miles in your head can make you overwhelmed, tired before you start, but breaking it down makes it doable. It's a mental game, but one you can win if you take it mile by mile. I don't have to do 13 miles right now, just the rest of this block. Just finish this road before the turn. Then set your next goal. Mile by mile, I get through my long runs. Just like the tractor in the field taking it row by row. And just like I will do life when it is hard, and as it gets hard again. Day by day.
Side stiches have been a struggle for me this training season, like they are for many, but this time have taught me a lot. Before when I'd get one, I'd think I was done. I thought you had to stop to let them pass before you could run again. But, early on, I decided to keep running. It hurt. But I purposefully breathed through it. I held my side, kind of bent over, and just kept going. Got in a zone and pushed through it. And I was surprised to feel it fading away. You don't have to stop! If you keep going, it will pass. It hurts, but it will pass. Who knew? I'm sure you all can see where I'm going with this. Things come up in life too, even when we are on the right track, doing the right things. Training, taking things one day at a time,but struggles arise. Sometimes we just need to breath, get into "the zone", and keep going. And it will pass. In the thick of it, you doubt it will, you think you should stop, but if you keep going, it does get better.
And the final lesson. When you get to the last couple of miles of a long race, you are tired--which is kind of an understatement. Your body feels totally drained of energy. Your lungs, totally empty of air. It feels like you have nothing else to give. For those of you who have been there, you know the feeling. But somehow, you make it those last couple miles. You realize, when you have exhausted all of your conscious strength, that there is a hidden strength, which brings you through. You can do so much more than you thought you were capable of. That's why people run 13 miles or even further, or at least that's why I do it. It certainly isn't because it feels good the whole time! But to discover, to feel that strength, and the satisfaction you have crossing the finish line. It's worth the pain.
During the hard weeks of treatment, and the disappointments of the last few months of Drew's life, I would feel similarly empty, drained of my strength. But the inner power through God would kick in, and I was left amazed at His might. Amazed at what I was capable of through His power. I felt it so many times last year. It was such a comfort and hope. I don't have to do this by my own strength. If I just keep my head down, and preserver, God's power will take over, and I will get through. "For My power is made perfect in weakness” (2nd Corinthians 12:9), that's a promise. From God. When I feel so very weak in grief, like I have nothing else to give, God's power is perfected, and he can get me through anything. He already has. Just like I experience during the last few miles of a long race, we have hidden strength that only can be truly discovered when we've gone through all of our other resources. God's strength is there for us when we have nothing else to give from ourselves.
It has been a lot of work to get ready for this race. Like I said, a lot of miles, a lot of time, but also a lot of emotions that I have worked through along the way. I know that Drew will be with me as I run on Sunday. Spiritually or not, but certainly there in my head, and in my heart. Inspiring me to keep going, even when I'm tired. To push through, even when I'd rather quit. Because Drew never quit. Up until the last day, he tried to climb down from bed to go to the play room on full oxygen support and with a chest tube in place. I will run with that kind of determination, and keeping all of this that I've learned in mind. And I will finish. For Drew. And for myself. Wearing this simple, yet meaningful shirt.
And doing some shameless advertising to those I pass ;)
Hi Heidi, I hope you had a blessed run. Hugs for you remembering Drew.
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