Attitude

We survived #polarvortex2019. It was a long week, I'm not gonna lie. We started off with the best intentions, and attitude! Molly and I went into it prepared: we got groceries, stopped at the library for some new entertainment, and made a plan for how to spend our days. In total she was home with me 4 out of the 5 days that week, so we had a lot of time to fill not leaving the house.

In addition to yoga and some melty-bead creations, we put together 6 Lego sets over the course of the week--I was seeing Legos in my dreams!

We also had a day where she made up a whole "school day" schedule--even down to 8 minute bathroom breaks!

But by the end of the week though, when the weather was warming up but school was still canceled because the busses wouldn't run--I lost my enthusiasm.

I just hit my breaking point of being positive, patient, and parenting 24/7. I could feel myself being cranky with everyone, even into the weekend. And really, if I'm honest, since Christmas I feel like I've been drifting into this more negative, frequently annoyed funk. I think many mothers about this time of winter can relate. The big let down after Christmas, cabin fever, lack of sunshine and fresh air, in need of a break from everyone--I was there with you all. And polar vortex 2019 almost pushed me over the edge.

I've mentioned before I started keeping a personal journal right after Drew was diagnosed. Just like these blogs, it helps me to sort things out in my head. But I'm finding they also serve a purpose when I look back on them to see where I've been. Many times I read old prayers, and have renewed faith as I can see how God perfectly answered almost every one. Being able to read the stories, daily antidotes, from the last three years and the thoughts I had as we held our son's hand through cancer treatment in 2016 is priceless.

This last week as I look through them, I'm taken back to those early days. It was 2 years ago that Drew was freed from this life and went to Heaven, but it was 3 years ago exactly that we were just starting this journey with pediatric cancer. The timing is so interesting, and makes it seem a never ending story. At the very same time of year that the journey came to an end, the memories and reminders start up again from one year earlier, when it all began. Pictures and my journals remind me where we started from during the winter of 2016.

So often I grieve now over how I'll never see Drew grow up, but if I look, I can see in these pictures how much he really did grow up in his last year. He looked like such a baby in these early photos from the first few Caringbridge updates:

He looks so different with all of his hair still. So innocent, seemingly untouched by the cancer yet.

In so many ways, Drew grew into something great during 2016. 

And through my journals, I can see how very much I grew too. Its interesting to read along as I was talking myself into, convincing myself of the truths that would shape our whole experience.

"It will be what I make it - what I decide it will be. Our attitude will determine a lot. Is this a sentence we face, or will we choose to simply keep living life but fight cancer along the way?...will I choose to enjoy each day I have with him, or pout, mourn and worry them away? May I choose, and the Lord help me, the former!"

"Will we ever be 'normal' again--probably not. Do we want to be normal? Taking for granted so much, not relying whole heartedly on God for every day we have on earth? Not living every moment appreciating the little things? Maybe not."

Reading these entries again, from such a profound time in our lives, really hit me this week. Especially with how my attitude has been lately in 2019. May I never drift back into being "normal" like I talked about those first weeks after diagnosis, not appreciating the little things. Not choosing to make the most out of each day and finding joy. No, we've come too far for that! If I managed by the grace of God to adopt that attitude when the going was so very tough, surely I can fight to maintain it during these days of relative ease.

It's so easy though, isn't it? The enemy just loves to point out and draw our attention to things that we don't like or wish were different. He whispers in our ears, encourages us to be disappointed, frustrated and annoyed at stupid things. With the same goal in mind that has been the goal since the beginning: to steal our joy. The joy that Jesus paid with his life for us to have, and have to its fullest. But we can't let him succeed now. If I found that amazing joy and peace as I cleaned up after my son, sick from chemo, I have no excuse to not hold on to it as we live our lives today.

It's all about our attitudes and our choices in the heart. I've wrote about this time and time again. My head knows this stuff by heart--I can recite the speeches I've given on the subject! But somehow I still need a reminder myself sometimes, a pep talk every now and then. This, is one of those weeks.

We can always find someone who has it easier, but we also can always find someone who has it worse. My mom always told me that, and life has shown me how true it is. Be thankful for what you have, and don't compare yourself to others. A discipline, a mindset, to constantly strive for. Because within it, we find the way to true joy.

And that goes both ways! In the positive, realizing how much we have to be grateful for over some. But in the negative as well. Being too conscious of how much worse we have it than others doesn't bring any joy either. If we are constantly trying to one-up another's struggles, to win a who-has-it-worse-game, the reality is, no one ends up winning.




As I spent more time than normal scrolling through social media last week during said polar vortex, it

struck me how many we-have-it-worse-then-you memes and posts were being shared. Northerners making fun of those who live further south struggling in the cold temps:

And sure, I got it. And laughed at some. Yes, it was 30 degrees or more colder up here than a few states south. Yes, the temps they were enduring was just our normal winter highs up here (or spring highs!). But does it help anyone to point that out? Does judgment and jokes warm them up any? Teach them how to cope in the cold? Did it help any of us up here feel any warmer in the bitter cold that we "won" the who-has-it-worse game?

While last week the ridicule was mostly light hearted, I saw how it totally relates to where my thoughts have been lately. How important attitude is in our experience of life. Feeling sorry for yourself, and demanding others acknowledge how rough life is for you, isn't what helps you feel better--or what causes anyone else to truly gain a different perspective for that matter.

And looking back this week, that's not what got me through what many would agree is one of the toughest things a parent will face. Having a "poor me" attitude, while the easiest one to fall into, doesn't serve anyone well. But what did, what myself of two years ago reminded me this week, was an attitude of being thankful. To not compare myself and situation to others, but to keep my head down, trust in God, and make the most of each day. I consciously decided, and I wrote it out on paper, to choose joy and not to let even a cancer diagnosis in my toddler son get in the way of living our lives to the fullest.

I was really convicted this week, in light of my current funk, to get back to that attitude God helped me find in 2016, and which has carried me ever since. As life looks pretty "normal" these day, let me not revert to a "normal" attitude of self-pity, annoyance, and general crankiness. Even after the 4th snow day in a week!😉


I say so many times, I write these mostly for myself, to sort out my feelings. To get the story straight in my head. Give myself that pep talk so I stay on track. And if someone can gain from it, if their perspective and attitude can be changed because of it, than what a wonderful result. God using this experience, this tragedy, to not only work His glory into my life, but into yours.

May you continue to choose joy with me, and not slide into "normal". That we all can make the most of each day, whether its in a hospital room with a child fighting cancer, or cooped up inside as a polar vortex is overhead, and everywhere in between!