It's been over 4 months since we've been in our new home here in Illinois. And in the last couple weeks I've felt the shift from not only being settled in, but starting to fit in too. Having some real friendships grow in the places we plugged into those first few weeks: the gym, CBS, church, our neighborhood, and Molly's school.
Molly has had a few playdates with a couple of different friends, at our house and theirs. She went with her class bff to Disney on Ice and they even got pulled up on stage!! It was so fun to help her get ready in her princess dress.
She was having some separation anxiety after this move, and me dropping her off places hasn't gone well. But she went with this friend and her family without looking back. Honestly, I felt a little anxious myself as she left! But she had a great time, and I'm so thankful she got the opportunity to see the show with a friend.
Its been fun to go on some "play dates" of my own, too. Lunch dates, meeting for coffee, and even hosting a little happy hour one Friday afternoon have felt so good. Our family has grown closer through this move, which is a good thing!, but it's nice to start to feel like I have friends again too.
The process of making new friends has been an interesting one to me. I've discovered it definitely is a process! It takes time, and has somewhat of an order. Like so many other things in life, we want to just jump to the "comfortable" stage of friendships, but it takes some work to get there. To really get to get know someone and allow someone to get to know the real you, asks a lot of us.
First impressions can be tricky. And when you add in the pretty dramatic story our life now includes, it feels even more tricky. As I've been making new friends, the initial conversations are sometimes the hardest for me. When do I tell them? I don't want the loss of our two year old son to cancer to be the first thing I tell someone about us. But at the same time, it comes up quickly with the typical mom questions, "How many kids do you have?" And then I have to decide. Is this the right time, or the right place? Do I really want to get into it right now? And sometimes the answer is no. I decide there's no need, it isn't really relevant or purposeful.
We are working on this dilemma together. Helping Molly (and ourselves really) to understand when it is appropriate, makes sense, to bring it up. And when it's okay not to either. We are having to listen and respect each other when we'd rather not talk about it, when we don't need to tell that person about Drew. Which can be hard for a 7 year old to grasp, and if we're being honest, all of us really.
But we're taking it one day, one situation at a time. No, the person at the librarian at the desk doesn't need to know about Drew. It's okay to not say anything to the other mom in the locker room at swimming when she asks if it's just us. Mostly because Mom doesn't want to go into it right now--we need to finish this shower and get home! And at other times, like early on in her class, Molly doesn't want me to talk about it. It goes both ways, and is something our family will have to continue to work on with each other.
When I do decide to share our story, I'm surprised at how it has made me feel. As I listen to myself explain what happened to new friends here, it feels so different than when I tell our story in a speech. In that setting, I know people have come expecting to hear about our tragedy. But when I tell it to people I'm just chatting with at lunch, and I see the shock and sympathy on their faces, the tears welling up in their eyes, it all hits me again. I reminds me how big of a deal this is. Seeing people's immediate reactions just reminds me how sad our story really is, which I know probably sounds crazy that I sometimes forget.
And not that people back in Minnesota didn't have that reaction, that they didn't care. But they knew us before, during, and after Drew. They went through this with us. We'd already established our impressions of each other, and gotten to the comfortable stage. I'm sure many had all of these reactions I'm seeing on the faces of my new friends as the triumphs and horrors of 2016 played out. I just didn't see them. I was at the hospital, holding my brave son's hand.
I've felt myself hesitate at times to come out with it all as acquaintances continue. I hate to admit, but sometimes I haven't wanted to share all that our last few years has included, because I just want to pretend we are normal. To enjoy the impression that we don't have anything extraordinary about us, that there's not any more story to tell than what you see...is that awful? Does that make it sound like I wish the part of our life with Drew never happened? Surely not. I know that's not true. My head takes over, and reassures me that it just means sometimes I want a break from it all. But my heart winces every time I answer, "Yes, I just have her".
This is how the loss of a child affects so much of your life--for the rest of your life. It's not *just* about missing Drew. Some days though, it is. But other days, its about accepting our new reality. Trying to define ourselves now, in a way that does justice to all we've been through, but not resting on it. Letting the life and death of our son have it's impact on our lives, yet not being ruled by it.
And you know? After over 4 months of the process, I have found some great things about new friends, some huge positives. There really are some wonderful people everywhere. I haven't met an unpleasant one here yet! And if I can get through myself, get over my own story and emotions, it's been so interesting to get to know new people. Every one of us has a story to tell, and it's fascinating to get to hear new ones.
And also, I'm comforted by the fact that more know about Drew. That is the thing--as I cry on my way home from the gym after having shared our story and seeing the tears from others--that makes me smile. Someone else knows. There are more people that know Drew was a real little boy, who bravely endured what no one should, with the best attitude you've ever seen. Another person knows that there was a forth Becker--who also looked just like his dad, and was filled with a personality more like his mom. He was snuggly, trusting, and quite a tease.
And not only do more people know about our son, but we are doing what we can to raise awareness about childhood cancer each time we recount our journey. Childhood cancer is a real thing that takes young lives every day. It happens to real families in your neighborhood, at your church, and in your gym class. But it doesn't have to destroy you, even if it takes your child's life.
No, the battle with childhood cancer is tough one, but one that can be won with power from Above. With God, all things are possible, and He is faithful to never abandon His children. We can have the most precious gift--our child--taken from us, but through Him, we still have our hope. We have joy. Sharing that is worth all the awkwardness of going into the whole story.
It was a great time, a wonderful reminder of the rewards of sustaining real friendships. To have those "comfortable" friends who know not only me, but who know my family. And went through so much real life with us in the last three years, and somehow still think we're fun to be around. We caught up in a heartbeat, had a ton of fun, and made some new memories together! It was fantastic, and just what I needed. It made me think of all the other friends I left that I'd love to have a reunion weekend with too...
Yes, this move has made me put myself out there to meet new friends, and also made me more intentional about maintaining relationships with old friends. No longer can I rely on seeing them at the Y or at school pick up, but I have to make the conscious effort to stay in touch and to reach out. In this transition, it's been fun to use all the ways to stay in touch. How lucky we are in this generation! In addition old school notes and cards in the mail, and planning girls weekends to reunite, we have So. Much. Social media at our fingertips! Who knew Marco Polo was more than just a game for the pool?? 😉 Getting more intentional about friendships isn't a bad thing at all! I just wish there were more hours in the day to keep up with everyone.
And how comforting it is to know that wherever I go, whatever happens, I have the BEST friend in Jesus. Its traditional hymn that has played in my head a lot recently as I've been thinking about friendships and writing this post:
Oh what a friend we have in Jesus, yes! And oh, how thankful I am for all the friendships He's given me so far--old and new ❤
No comments:
Post a Comment
Leave me a note on what this means to you!