For Better or Worse

It's been 9 years since Josh and I were married.  It was on a Friday night, July 18th, 2008, in my hometown of Ames, Iowa. 

We'd been together for nearly 4 years, almost my entire time in college.  We met in one of my first year meteorology classes, which also was a popular choice for general education classes for non majors.  Looking back on it, it's funny how we got together.  Josh found me through the Iowa State student directory and emailed me, teasing me to make sure I sat by him the next time we had class.  I was kind of not on top of things, which may not surprise some, and didn't actually check my email for almost two weeks after he had sent it!  I felt bad, wondering how awkward he must have felt those two weeks without a reply or me bringing it up.  But I did sit by him, and spent probably more time flirting with him during that class than getting introduced to Meteorology concepts.  Which I guess as it turns out, was getting more prepared for my future than the Meteorology material. 

We went on our first date on Halloween weekend, to a haunted house.  And the rest, as they say, is history.  We were a part of each other's everyday from then on.  We got to really know each other as we grew up on our own at college.  He helped me "adult", as he had a little more experience doing things on his own.  And by nature is a little more logical and independent, which was good for me.  I like to think I showed him how to loosen up a little.  To have some fun and do some "pointless" things--like buying pumpkins in the fall, using bows and matching paper on Christmas gifts, making things from scratch and doing things maybe a less efficient way in order to enjoy the process as much as the product.

I can see how smart of a match God really made in us.  How much was thought through when brining us together and what we'd need from each other to get through something like this.  Josh is so great at keeping his head on straight.  At being organized, on top of things.  He can separate his emotions from his decisions, and can operate effectively under intense stress.  He thinks things through, looks at every angle.  He is a strong leader.  Which is good, because I like to be lead.  I like someone else to make decisions, because I have a hard time with that.  I am more than happy--tickled in fact--to be given a task to do, and I'll do it with enthusiasm if I agree with it.  I have more of a tendency to let my emotions get in the way.  I have a harder time not thinking about things like he can.  But I do know how to choose joy.  How to have a positive attitude, and have fun chatting with others.  Josh has joy too, but it isn't as apparent sometimes.  Together, we make a perfect team.  I heard a lot over the course of last year, about how well we compliment each other.  The nurses, who get to know a family really well as they literally are there as you go to bed and wake up in the morning, would comment about how different Josh and I are, yet, how well it works.  And how Drew adapted to both of us in our own ways.  It's amazing how God knows each of us so well, and who will be our best partner for the life he has planned for us.  He brings the right people together at just the right time. 

 I've decided that marriages seem to work best when, after God brings you together, you then put your own time and energy into the relationship before you ever say  "I do".  I think it was a key for us, how we were successful dealing with the storm of last year and this one.  It saves you a lot of trouble I think if time is taken to really get to know each other, to watch how they handle life, before you get married.  To learn who they truly are by their actions, not just how they say they handle things.  What they do when they are stressed; how they act when they are angry--and what works best to defuse it; what makes them happy; and what counts to them--their "love language".  And then decide if you can deal with what you observe for the rest of your life. 

If you decide you can, then you move forward.  Then when a more major crisis comes in your "happily ever after", and they do come to all of us at some point, you can anticipate the way they may act, or expect the behavior they have in that type of circumstance.   And deep down, you can trust that that person you know and love is in there, even if they are acting in a way you don't like, but deemed manageable during the earlier phases of the relationship.  I think of the period after a baby is born when this is so evident.  Everyone is tired, stressed, and frustrated.  Especially in the middle of the night.  You have to know the other person isn't really a jerk, despite the way they are currently acting.  And if you do know them deep down, and trust them, you can weather the storm together and eventually a better season will come.

Right now we are in that type of situation, just much more enhanced.  We are both dealing with our grief in a different way.  As you have read on here, my mind and heart are all over the place.  It helps me to talk about it, to write.  And also to cry.  But I know Josh, and those things he's never done.  So I shouldn't expect him to start now.  What does he do when he's upset?  Well I can look to our past, when we were stressed with newborns, when we were making major job and home decisions.  And even before that, in college when we were discussing  our future, or when he broke his foot and couldn't do things for himself very well.

I can anticipate and expect some of the things he did during those times. And know that however he's acting or what he's doing is just part of how he copes.  That the person I love is still there, just like my fun-loving self was there behind all the emotions and talking through things I did adjusting to becoming a Mom.

During our pre-marital counseling I remember the pastor explaining how marriage is not 50/50 like most people think.  But it's actually 100/100.  You both need to give all that you have, go the extra mile for your spouse, to truly be in a marriage that is healthy and joyful.  Right now that is such an important concept to practice.  Is he taking some of his frustration with life out on me by being overly critical?  Am I asking too much of him, because I can't have what I really want?  Are we short and cold with each other at times because we just can't deal with the other person today?  Sometimes, yes.  But right now especially, we need to be even more forgiving.  Give the benefit of doubt more often.  Excuse some harsh words exchanged.  Because deep down, we know the other person isn't really a jerk.  We are just both hurting.  And to a certain extent, there isn't anything we can do to help each other, which is even harder to realize.

I don't talk a lot about how and what Josh is doing, because I know that he is a private person, and I respect that (another big key in a marriage--respect).  And frankly, I don't talk about our marriage very much in general, not only for that reason, but because that's probably one of the easiest parts of this whole thing for us, which I know to be so thankful for.  Yes, we have some moments, some days where we aren't just enjoying the heck out of each other, but we understand each other.  And after what we've been through we can still laugh together, dream about the future, tease each other when one of us is taking something too seriously, and reminisce about a past life before marriage, before kids, before cancer.  And I know that's pretty special, and something to never take for granted.

We've been through a whole lot together in the last 9 years of marriage, almost 13 together.  And especially in the last 18 months.  We've depended on one another in a way that most never will have to.  We've seen things together that no one should have to see.  We've had to make decisions no one should have to decide.  We've said goodbye together, to a person that was brought into the world through us.  Sometimes no words have been needed, because with just an exchanged glace, we know.  To say it hasn't been easy doesn't do it all justice.  It has been SO hard.  And it continues to be.  But we have done it together, and with the mighty help of God.  And we will continue to get through this with His help, and many prayers.

Because we choose to.  Just like the choice we have to be joyful or not, we have to choose to love each other.  Even when it's hard.  When it's unfair.  When we are tired, and wounded ourselves, and don't want to care about anyone else's feelings because our own are demanding so much or our attention.  But we must keep trying.   With the help of God, we can choose to love each other through this, which may be the only real thing we can do to help each other feel better.  And when things have settled, when the pain and sorrow becomes more background noise than rock-concert-level like it is now, we'll know that we can get through anything.  For richer or poorer, in sicknesses and in health, and for better or worse until we are separated by death. When one of us will get to reunite with our Drew first.

Joshua James, thanks for putting up with my antics for the last 9 years, and you're welcome for putting up with yours ;)  Happy Anniversary!