Life's Not Fair

Lately I've been struggling with the things I feel were unfinished.  Frustrated because I feel like I put so much effort towards a cause that wasn't ever realized.  That I put in work, to not get what I expected in return. Because for almost 3 years when we worked to bring an infant baby into a little boy, and it seems like it was for nothing.  Timeouts to shape an obedient and respectful boy that never was.  Teeth that kept us up at night while cutting through, to not even be used in his last year.  Fingernails that grew back after the chemo made them fall off, only to cover his precious finger tips for 6 more months.  Frustration and tears spent sleep training to create an awesome sleeper, only to have him never wake up.   It was three years of our lives, being pregnant, giving birth, raising a little boy, and I have nothing to show for it.  What a waste.  All of our work wrapped up in a little boy named Drew that was taken from us.  All I have now is a closet full of his things, and a half-full urn.  How unfair.

And of course last year.  All the exhausting work that treatment involved.  All the pain he endured.  The nights waking up multiple times to clean and change bedsheets and pajamas from chemo sickness.  The early mornings going over for tests and scans.  The months we sat in hospital rooms, while everyone else was celebrating holidays and enjoying their lives.  But we kept the faith. We had so much hope.  We worked at maintaining a positive outlook.  Where did that get us?  Why do some not have to do any of those things and get to keep their babies, and we had to give ours back? Instead of planning a third birthday party, I planned a Memorial Service.

How unfair... I can feel anger start to build up, resentment trying to take root.  And there is so much injustice in the world, I'm not the only one I'm sure who's tempted to feel like this.  I'm sure the couple struggling with infertility as they watch a news story of a child abused and abandoned can relate.  Or a long time single woman who just learned another friend is engaged, and her loneliness overwhelms because, why not her?  Or the hard worker passed over for the promotion because someone misrepresented themselves to get ahead...Why does it seem like the good guys always finish last? I guess we're seeing that our mothers were right after all, life's not fair.

And its true, this life's not fair.  But luckily, this life isn't the end of the story.   There is more than this life and the earth as we know it. We are only in the middle of the story.  There is more to come, so I can't proclaim this unfair yet, since I still don't know if it'll be evened out.  I can't say that Drew, our family, and I will not get to see the fruit of our labor, because it's not over.  But the good news is, we have the Bible to give away the ending--and it WILL all be made right.   "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." (Rev 21:4).   The whole Bible points to a conclusion that will correct all that was wrong in the world.  A New Heaven and a New Earth where there is nothing bad and everything good.  The memory of this time of injustice will serve only to highlight how great the new world will be. Bring on the day!

And even currently, I have to remember that Drew is still very much Drew, just somewhere else. Using those teeth we worked so hard for to chew all the pickles and Oreos and whatever else is on the buffet in Heaven.  He's using his manners we tried to teach him and is now pleasing the Father, and all my relatives that are getting to know him. 

All our work was needed to create the Drew that carries on in Heaven, he just got to go before the rest of us.  His suffering made him into the person he is right now, and also helped shape others along the way.  And will continue as we go on to share his story.

And I do have something to show for the last three years of my life in the here and now.  People who knew us before, know that we are not the same people we were before Drew.  We are so much more.  Our work in the last three years made me more loving.  More understanding.  Certainly more thankful.  Drew and all that was involved in caring for him helped us be more faithful, it deepened our trust and dependence on God.  It taught me to be more flexible, to not get so worked up about little things, and to never take anything for granted.  In the last three years with Drew we learned to live each day to the fullest, and to choose joy.  I guess we've done quite a lot in those years that shows.  They were not a waste by a long shot.  And we will continue to write the Becker Story as we draw from our experience with this pretty great kid named Drew, who you'll all meet if you haven't someday.

Life's not fair, but God is.  And in His Kingdom, when it comes, we will experience the justice we so crave on this earth.  It doesn't mean the unfairness of this world doesn't hurt.  That we can't cry for what we want but can't have, and that others take for granted.  And he keeps track of all our sorrows, collects our tears in His bottle, recording each in His book. (Psalm 56:8)--what a thick book mine must be these days!  But the day is coming when his justice will roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream (Amos 5:24).  Thankful today that Drew is already in that Kingdom, and looking forward to the day it reigns here on Earth too...