Our Becker Story

This week I went to put together a picture collage of my two children in their patriotic gear.  I am kind of nuts about dressing kids (okay, cats too) for holidays, so I knew I had some good ones.  I found the one where Drew was tiny, just a few months old.  Then the next year I had them both in Kansas City for a family reunion by myself.  And last year.  They actually weren't together, Drew was still in the hospital recovering from his first transplant.  But I had taken a picture of them the day I brought out the stars and stripes decorations a couple weeks before.  I looked at the two of their smiling faces..Look at them.  My babies.  Never to be in another picture together on the 4th of July in this lifetime.

The usual feelings filled me.  Sadness.  Longing for a life that seems so long ago, when I heard them laugh together, tease each other, and share in life.  I felt that ache deep inside that still flares up most days.  I wish I had more than 3 years with both my babies...

But then I caught myself.  I guess maybe the Spirit caught me.  I can't get so tied to the three years I had both of them together on Earth.  Our family story didn't start and end with Drew.  As much as we wish Drew was with us physically for a lifetime, he won't be, and never was going to be.  God knew and planned each chapter of the Becker family, and how our story would go.  The chapter when it was just Molly and us, then when Drew joined it, what the future holds for the Beckers that are still here on Earth after God called Drew Home.  Drew was a gift.  Given to us, and very much a part of our family, but he wasn't to keep.  We'd have to give him back. No matter what, we have always been, and continue to be, the Becker family God planned.  We now just span two realms.

I need to change my perspective.  Not get stuck in the three years of pictures, memories, and milestones and forget the big story of our family.  In 10 years it'll probably be easier.  When the memory of when we had a living little brother isn't so fresh and we're more used to saying we have two kids, a daughter who's 5 and a son in Heaven.  The years with Drew will always be special and some of our favorite times, but there is more to the Becker story.  And maybe if I start to correct my thinking now, I won't spend too much time longing for what we once were and what we've lost, but instead enjoy what we have here on Earth, and also who we have watching over us in Heaven.  I need to remember the big picture.

So I made a new collage, that included pictures of cute baby Molly too--she really was a cute little girl. 

In my head I've said some of this before--that we weren't suppose to have Drew any longer than we were, that God knew how our story would go from the beginning.  But I think this week, my heart is starting to get it too.  The idea is making the longest path in the world--from my head to my heart.  Maybe Drew helped it really sink in some how, but I felt something change inside, like I really actually believed it for once.  We are the Beckers, including Drew, but also after Drew's life on Earth has ended, and we have more to our story.  Three Beckers on earth, one already enjoying Heaven. We will be thrilled, thrilled, thrilled to be together again, and I still cry everyday at some point from missing him, but we can be okay.  And we can be more than okay, we can be happy here until that wonderful day of reunion comes.  It's not that we'll have forgotten him, or didn't love him, or don't care that he's not with us.  Of course not!  But that we accept God's plan for our family, that we are at peace about where Drew is, and that God continues to have a plan for us.

And we can be happy because Drew wants us to be.  He reminded me when he was here, an afternoon I'll never forget.  Not sure if I've shared this whole story before, but we were watching Tangled in preparation for Disney, and I started to cry when the King and Queen got reunited with Repunzel.  He came over to me and put his face real close to mine.  He looked so deep in my eyes and said, "Happy Mom, not sad..." and had the most serious expression of concern and love.  He said it more than once.  It may have just been something a kid says when they see their mom crying, but it seemed more than that.  Like his soul was telling us it was okay to happy, that he didn't want us to be sad.  Josh reminds me of that command a lot from him.  Happy Mom, not sad.

And this summer we've tried to be.  We've had a lot of family events.  Father's Day in Emmetsburg:

Corn Carnival in Iowa:

And Fourth of July in Austin:

And each gathering was a mixed bag of emotions.  Things little boys would love, moments with family we wish everyone was physically there for, and memories that replayed of times when Drew shared in the fun.  In each event I can tell you the things that made me cry, that got that deep ache going again.  But I can also tell you things that made us laugh.  New memories we've made together.  Things that I noted and thanked God for.  Maybe I just need to accept and expect that there will always be things that tug at my healing heart.  And that's okay--it's Drew being still a part of our lives, our Becker story.  It'd be pretty sad if we didn't think of him at special events!  But we need to continue to strive to keep being present, and being thankful.  To not take things for granted because we know all to well how much can change in an instant.  And if when taking the whole holiday, event, or gathering into account I can smile at the memories made and the good times had despite the sad moments, than it was a success.  Search for the joy amongst the sorrow, and we'll be okay.

As we march on through the summer with more fun weekends and family events, I'll keep training my thoughts to do just that.  Continuing the bigger Becker story here on Earth, and not get stuck in the 3 years of it when Drew was living with us.  And to expect to be sad at times, yet, embrace the joy.  Happy, not sad.  I'll keep trying to do that Babycakes...❤❤