Beauty From The Ashes

This week, I've been back in a familiar place where my heart breaks for one of my children, and this time, it's Molly.  She's been talking a lot about Drew, and doing some new behaviors to remember him that have really been hard to listen to/see.  She'll pretend he's with us in the van--in his old seat.  She buckles "him", gives him his favorite toys to play with on the way to the store.  In the grocery store she'll say he's sitting in the basket and hand him stuff to hold while we shop.  And then in the mornings this week I've found his blanket and stuffies, even his binkie, all laid out on the big chair in there.  She says she "tucked him in". 

I talked to the Child Psychologist and Bereavement Coordinator about what she has been doing.  And they assured me it's all very age appropriate.  Since her eating/sleeping/bathroom-ing habits remain constant, then it isn't concerning.  Many kids her age have imaginary friends and it makes sense in her world for her imaginary friend to be her little brother.  They also suggested with school starting soon for her she may be nervous and is thinking back to times when she felt more secure and safe as a way to cope with her anxiety about starting something new.  All of that makes sense I guess.

They also said it could just be her way of keeping his memory alive, of trying to continue to include him in our everyday. Which makes the most sense to me.  If I'm honest, I probably do it too. As I cut up fruit and veggies on the counter, in my mind's eye, I picture him there like he did before he was sick--stealing the strawberries before I can get them into the bowl.  Or helping me bake by dumping ingredients into the mixer when he was a little older...

Or as we walk down the sidewalk, I can hear the wheels of his shopping cart as he pushes it along...

And as Molly colors on the floor now, I can just see him beside her...

Kids just DO instead of think.  I can totally see that she just is expressing what both of our hearts wish--for Drew to be in his seat again in the van, in my basket at the grocery store, sleeping in his room at night.

So once I got over being startled by her behavior, I got really sad.  It gave me a glimpse of her little heart, that she doesn't show a lot.  It reveals to me how much she really misses him, and wishes he was still in our daily life.  And it broke me, all over again, for a couple days.  For another baby of mine that is hurting, and once again, I can't do anything to make it better.

Thinking about how much this little girl has endured, how much she's had to deal with in the last 18 months.  How sad is it that she so casually pretends that her dead brother is sitting beside her in the van.  And then go and laugh like any other kid an hour later on the swings at the park?

How can we have gotten here?  It's so unfair to her.  I never wished this for her, for her to have to be such a trooper.  Yet, she's dealt so beautifully.  So strong.  Definitely worthy of so much praise, that I hope I do often enough. As proud as I am of my Drew, I'm just as proud of my Molly.  She's my rock, and I really don't know what I'd do without her.

This week showed me how much I take for granted in my Molly.  How much of a gift it has been to get 7 months in, and have been able to mainly focus on my own grief and healing since Molly's been so stable and strong.  It's also showing me it may be her turn now, and how much of a lifetime this story of grief will be.  And how difficult it'll be to feel for her little heart throughout it.  Another layer of this great loss.

This week I've also been working on my feelings surrounding her starting Kindergarten soon. That post remains unfinished as I kept having to stop as I thinking about the day I'll say goodbye to her, even just for the day of school.  Because its more than just goodbye until 2pm each day.  But goodbye to a time of my life I'll never get back.  I've been grieving for what was, and will never be again in so many ways this week.  How much of her childhood, her innocence was lost in the last 18 months.  It is the way it is and we'll work to make the best of it, by strength only God can provide, but I spent this week crying because we have to, because SHE has to. 

Once I get past the sorrow of our situation, I can see the beauty in it.  That if she is using his memory to comfort herself and her anxiety about school, how sweet that really is.  Drew once again can bring us peace in troubling times, and is still a very real part of our lives.  I can be also glad to see her love for him live on even as they are separated by the great divide of this physical world.  To see them "together" in a way again, albeit a pretty strange way, is kind of comforting.  Like God tells us He'll do in Isaiah 61:3 "and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."  I can see that from our hurt, will come something great.

Once I get past the sorrow....