His Mysterious Ways

At the end of last week, Molly and I went up to stay with Josh in the Twin Cities while he was covering a vacation for someone at a different plant.  We went to the Mall of America and used what would have been Drew's wrist band.  We'd purchased four last fall but didn't end up needing them all when we finally went to the mall amusement park to mark Drew's birthday this April together.  Watching the joy she had on each ride, trying new ones, but doing ones we did last time that "Drew would have liked" made the day more emotional than I thought.  Oh, if he could only be here with us too.  He would have liked them, Molly's right.  I wish we would have gotten here all together, as we originally intended.  I stood watching her with that all too familiar by now ache in my heart.  So happy for the joy in Molly, but constantly remembering who's not there smiling and squealing beside her. 

While I was standing and watching her on a ride with all this going on in my heart, a lady turned around and asked me, "I think I know you...did you have twins in Mary Brigh last April at St Mary's?"  Well, not twins, but I definitely was in the Mary Brigh building a lot last year!  Yes, as we began talking she did remember me.  We had talked in the play room with the fish tank, among other things, about how tough it was to keep an IV pole up with little boys!  She had been there for "just" a week with her boy that had an infection on his lymph node, and remembers that I talked about being there for weeks at a time, and how she still couldn't imagine.  I was pretty impressed that after over a year she remembered me after such a brief encounter. 

She then asked the inevitable question, "How is he doing?"  I hesitated but ended up saying we lost him in January. It's so hard to tell someone new who doesn't know.  I don't want them to feel bad for asking, but I know they probably do.  I went on to explain how the rest of the year had played out after we had met, but I could see she probably didn't hear a word of what I was saying.  People get so flustered and shaken upon hearing the tragic conclusion to our story.  Her eyes watered and she looked around nervously.  She told me how sorry she was.  I just hate to cause such distress in others.  To share this pain, and the unfairness of life, displayed in the ending to our story.  But I told her we are okay. We started Warrior Wagons, and that has helped give us purpose.  It's hard, but we still have to keep going, doing stuff like this with Molly.  She agreed, "she's got to have a life".  Yes, she does. 

I walked away with goosebumps, amazed that this encounter even happened, just when I needed it. As I was in the middle the confusing mix of feeling sorry for myself and also guilty for having fun, God arranged for me to cross paths with this lady.  The timing seems just too perfect to have been a coincidence.  We weren't even going to be up to the Cities until the next day, and for our kids to be on the same ride together, and for her to remember me and have enough courage to approach me is just incredible.  The exchanged served, once again, to remind me that we did make an impact, there was purpose to our suffering last year, and that people do care.

I talk a lot about how much Drew did for others--and he did.  But maybe I don't realize what an impact we all had on others as well.  Our family, and myself. 

All those weeks we walked the halls...

 ...and played in the playrooms next to other parents who were there with their children...

...and looked out the windows at the world when we felt like it was going on without us as countless nurses and staff were in and out of our rooms...

...and when we met people from all across the world who come to Mayo Clinic, we were participating in God's bigger plan.  For whatever reason, that day last April when I chatted with this mom, it must have meant something to her or she wouldn't have remembered me.  Whatever we were doing there (probably chemo cycles), wasn't meant to save my Drew's life.  No, God wasn't planning to save his life, but to bring him Home all along.  Instead, each day we were there was for a different purpose. And that particular day in April, 2016, was to not only give this mom some perspective as she shared we had, but also to be brought up to me 16 months later at Nickelodeon Universe at the Mall of America, where I would be standing, heart aching for my son and would need a reminder to help me keep going. What we were doing there last year did matter.  It wasn't all a waste.  God can use everything for good, and works all things together (Roman's 8:28).

I don't know if this lady thought of our encounter again that day, but I did.  As I went on to watch and ride more rides with Molly something changed about my perspective.  The next day we visited Minnehaha Falls, for the 3rd year in a row.

And I actually got in!

I still longed to have both my kids with me, to see them enjoy the rides and splash in the water together, but I was encouraged by remembering that God is always working. That you never know who's going to stop you when you least expect it and remind you that people remember you, and that you matter.  Even if things don't work out the way you planned, keep going.  It'll all make sense someday.  And in the meantime, if I keep getting little glimpses of connections, little hints at the bigger purpose, it helps me keep going, keep fighting through each heartbreaking morning I wake up without my boy.