The Story of Molly and Me

Tomorrow morning, Molly will get on the school bus at the end of our street, and begin a new phase of her life.  And with her, so will I.  My first to start school has also become my last to start school.  It's a big transition for me as a Stay-at-Home-Mom.  It was the short term goal I kept my eye on in those tough years when I had little ones with me all day everyday.  And just like other things that I looked forward to and now am arriving at, I'm not feeling as I expected to.

I knew this day was coming all Summer, but have been pushing it away from my mind.  Not wanting to think about another change, another adjustment.  Molly has been with me through so much in the last 5 and a half years.  I've been reflecting on just how much... 

From the beginning she's been a constant force, a  strong willed lady that has pulled me through when I've been weak. 

Looking back, I definitely struggled with some post-partum depression, and even as an infant, Molly was there to keep me doing the next thing.  Focused on the job at hand, until I felt like myself again. I guess she has always been so great at just hangin' steady in the background during difficult times.

And we had such a great time together after I came back, after I started feeling like myself again.  My Molly and I.  People called me "Holly" a lot because Molly and Heidi just became one and the same.  I joked it became our entity name--like celebrity couples. We did everything together. 

As cliché as it has become, she "made me a Mom" by definition, but also by process.  That time of struggle as I adjusted to being a mother really prepared me in so many ways for what I've had to handle.  For getting over myself and my feelings, for trusting God would get me through, even when I felt so lost and alone.  And it showed me even during the darkest chapter I had experienced up until then in my life, it did get better.  She made me the mother I needed to be this last 18 months, without even knowing it.  And I was never really alone, I had my Molly.


And then Drew made our pair a trio...

 I remember after Drew was born being sad for the loss of just "Molly and Me".  Sad that our "thing" would never be the same again.  I remember when Drew was months old and still not feeling like I knew him the way I knew Molly.  I wondered when I'd feel as connected to him as I did to her.  There's just something about that first child, you have a special bond with them because you grow so much together through the process.

But Molly adjusted well to being a big sister.  A true first born, she took charge right away and helped with Drew...

The doctor noted after we explained our choice for "Drew" instead of the full "Andrew" that we'd always say "Andrew" anyway when we'd say we have "Molly ANd Drew"--they'd become kind of their own entity.  Watching my two littles grow together, even if it was for too short of time, was a pleasure.  I will always treasure the memories of Molly and Drew.  We really became our own crew, a new feeling of identity set in.  Mama and her two little ducklings.  I'm so thankful I got a taste of siblings and being outnumbered...

And then, the ball dropped.  The last 18 months of our time as the Becker crew was a whole different chapter.  During those dark weeks before diagnosis when Drew was so bad, we all felt the weight.  After diagnosis, Molly's first response when we told her that he was really sick but we were going to make him better was, "so he won't cry all night anymore?"--right Molly.  And as we did all that we could to make him all better, my Molly held steady in the background, once again.  Kept herself remarkable together, and made things easier than we even still probably realize.  She cared for him, and for us.  She's seen, felt, and experienced things no one should have to at any age, but has handled it all with a grace that makes me so proud.

Molly wasn't always happy about our family being apart so much, but only a handful of times do I remember her getting upset as she and Josh left from visiting Drew and I at the hospital.  Only a handful of times??  At 4 years old??  Oh dear Molly, you are stronger than I was!  Stronger than we know.  I tried to keep her away from the hospital as much as I could--for her sake.  I never wanted her to feel like 2nd fiddle to Drew.  Never to be shushed or ignored while Drew was being seen.  I'm sure it happened despite my efforts, but the thought of my Molly feeling like she wasn't cared about broke my heart, and drove me to do all I could to avoid her feeling that way.

And so brings us to now.  Oh Molly, I hope that if/when you read these blogs, and the CaringBridge entries, that you know that my love for you is just as much as it is for Drew.  That I'd be just as sad, just as broken, if I had to say "see you later" to you too.  Believe me, because even today as I think about seeing you off to your first day of school, and starting a new chapter of your life without me, I'm in tears.  And today, the tears are all for you.  For my rock, who's endured far to much for your 5 years.   You've seen me through so much, and now, I'll be on my own.  I hope I can be as strong as you have been.

I'm really not upset about school starting for you, because I know you'll be fine--awesome--at it.  You'll take Woodson by storm, and show everyone what we already know, how amazing you are.  But I can shed a few tears that after over 5 1/2 years of having you all to myself, I now I have to watch you start out on your own.  I have to hope that I did things right, that the last 18 months have made you a better girl, not left you damaged.  I can be sad for a time of life that all these pictures tell the story of, which is coming to an end.  The end of an era.  My days with Drew have ended, and you'll see that I've spent a lot of time being sad about that.  But for the time being, I'm sad my days of "Molly and Me" during the day, that we've found ourselves in again, are coming to an end too. 

I hope that you never hear me say I "just" have one, or that I "only" have you now, and think for a second that means you aren't enough.  You are more than enough. I was blessed to be Drew's mom, and I'm just as blessed to be yours. It is possible to love more than one baby with all your heart at the same time.  I didn't understand that until I had two babies, and somehow I bet you won't either.  But someday I pray you will, and will never question whether I love you as much as Drew.  Because I love you both with all of my heart, at the same time.

Have a great year of Kindergarten Molly. I can't wait to hear all about what you learned, who you've met and what you did.  I am excited for the things I plan on doing while you are at school too, and honestly, am looking forward to some of the solitude.  We'll make this next adjustment, and just like all the others, we'll be just fine.  But it may not be without a few tears (from me).  And I've decided that's okay.  You can be sad about what will never be again, at the same time you are looking forward to the future.  I can't wait to see what you do Ms. Molly--where God will take you in this life.  I'm looking forward to watching, and my heart swelling with even more pride.  Go get 'em Molly!!!