A Busy Summer Ahead

Summer is about to begin. In some ways, we've already began some of it's activities. Warm weather was a long time a comin' it seems, and since it's been nice we've gotten outside to enjoy it! Exploring our new home in the sunshine.

The park, eating meals out on our patio, going for walks on some local nature trails, ice cream runs at our new favorite place, and even hitting the pool this last weekend!

We already made a trip back to Iowa to visit family...

And attended the first of three family weddings this summer!

We have a lot ahead of us in the next 3 months. Soon after school gets out, Molly and I are going to visit some old friends in New Orleans and in Texas! I'm calling it Heidi and Molly's Friendship Tour😊 It will be so fun to rekindle friendships, reunite the kids, and see some new places together! Something we probably wouldn't be doing if things were different. But since we can, why not? #yolo

Then we have Corn Carnival in Iowa (a summer tradition of my parents' hometown), followed by a very big occasion in my family--my brother's wedding over the 4th of July weekend!

We plan to make a visit back to our hometown of Austin in Minnesota to see our family of friends before school starts again for Molly (Aug 14th!). And later in August my cousin in Colorado is getting married, and I have a girls weekend on the calendar in San Diego! Whew! We really couldn't have packed much more into the Summer of 2019.

It will be a wonderful season. A busy one! But full of family, friends, laughter, love, LIFE. Important moments, special celebrations, and no doubt, some regret at who isn't here to be a part of it all too.

In the last almost 2 and half years since Drew's been in Heaven instead of here with us, I've learned to expect the hurt along with the joy. That longing will be mixed in with the excitement. I now know that the more somber feelings don't have to overpower the good ones. I can be genuinely happy in the present, and a piece of my heart will always be aching for my baby boy. My head knows it's okay to enjoy life, but my heart will never stop missing my Drew.

As I think about, plan for, and get excited about all that the summer holds for us--experience tells me that it's wise to not push away the grief being stirred up. Spending some time allowing the tears to flow, for my heart to cry before these events are upon me, helps me to do better. I'll have released some of the sorrow, and therefore can be more present and embrace the joy of the moment.


So today, before Molly's done with school and becomes my shadow, I'm taking some time to do just that.

There will be Drew's once-playmates, without their old buddy. There will be little brothers and boy cousins that will be playing together--one short. There will be empty seats in the car on road trips, that could have been occupied. There will be family photos capturing big moments in our family's story, missing some very special people.

Even in the everyday moments this summer, I will be aware of what could have been, who is missing. I've shared before how Drew was not a cold-weather person. He never lasted long outside in the winter, but was the first one out the door in the warm months. Pushing his shopping cart down the sidewalks, sitting beside his sister as she drove the gator, running ahead to the playground at the park, making friends with anyone he could, even the neighborhood pets!

He only got one chance to swim in his older-toddler years. One week. On his Make-a-Wish trip in Florida, after we'd removed his central line, ended treatment, and let him be just a little boy again for the last 5 weeks of his life--he got to swim. And he loved it! 

He'd have had a blast at the waterpark Molly and I will be at this summer...

Oh, I miss that boy. I miss being his Mom. 

I miss the two of them together. Even if I know they'd be fighting! 

I don't have as many of the visual prompts for memories here in our new home, and that may not be all bad. But if I close my eyes, I can still see the park we used to walk to. The school we went to for school lunch in the summertime. I can look through these photos, watch the videos, and for a moment, he's back to life...and my heart breaks all over again.

The day will come when I don't miss him anymore, because we are together again. Each week, each summer, we are one more closer to that day. And maybe then, I will see just how much he was a part of this busy Summer of 2019 after all. On the Friendship Tour right along with us. In each group of little boys playing. Smiling his big cheese ball grin in all the family photos at my brother's wedding. And right behind his big sister on the water slides...

Maybe, just maybe, if I look really closely with my heart instead of my eyes, I will see it for myself as it happens❤

The Little Red Wagon

A friend of mine gave us a collapsible wagon for my birthday. To "lighten my load" the card said. And it did. It was just a few months into Drew's treatment--he had just turned two, and the umbrella stroller wasn't cutting it anymore but I was kind of over the big stroller. I'd get Drew out of his car seat, set him right into the wagon. He'd be tucked in between my purse, his backpack with his feeding pump and formula, and his bag of medical supplies/diaper supplies/change of clothes and everything else. We'd wheel through the parking ramp and on to the elevators at warp speed because we never left anytime to dilly-dally before our appointments.

Drew would sit in there, and smile at everyone who would make eye contact with him (and some who didn't). Almost everyone would comment on his great little red wagon, or "cart" as some would call it. I'd thank them and explain a friend gave it to us and how useful it was. They'd politely not ask what was wrong with him which brought us here in the first place, but his bald head and feeding tube probably gave us away.

We'd get off on the good 'ole 16th floor of the Mayo building and as soon as I got us checked in, Drew would be climbing out of the wagon. He'd pull then his little red wagon around the waiting room--pausing to pick the next video on the screen or to pick a book from the rack the volunteers made rounds with. Others would smile at him and tell him how much they liked his wagon, making conversation with him. He'd beam proudly as he moved on (probably rolling over their toes) to the next set of people, fishing for more attention (I don't know where he got that 😉). This would continue until he heard his name called, "Drew Beck-y" he'd repeat when his name came across the intercom and make his way over to the door for oncology with a big grin on his face...

We used his wagon for appointments, at the hospital, during radiation, and when were out in other public areas that required a lot of walking. We'd haul things with it, even big sister who would occasionally ride in it. 

It entertained too. Drew would pull it and push it, manipulating it every which way as boys do in lobbies, courtyards and hallways while we waited. And we waited a lot. It was a big deal if we ever forgot the wagon or left it in the other vehicle!

That little red wagon was very much a part of our lives in 2016, and became a part of Drew's entourage. It was there when he was doing awesome, and there when he was the worst we saw him.

I still have it in the back of my van.  Transferred it when we traded the old van in last January.  It's a comfort to me, a reminder. Of Drew and all that we experienced with him in that little red collapsible wagon. I joke someday maybe it'll be in a Warrior Wagon museum as the "Original Warrior Wagon".

We had talked about giving similar collapsible wagons to cancer kids and their families after we were done. It was something we knew we wanted to pass on. We just didn't realize it would be so soon. As we gathered up other frequently used gifts to fill the first Warrior Wagon, we could feel it was what we were suppose to be doing. Passing on in one package some of the most practical and useful things that were given to us.

You see, Warrior Wagons really began in 2016. We were the first Warrior Family. Drew, the first Warrior. The community is who founded it with each gift they bestowed on us that year that has became part of our Warrior Wagons today.

As Warrior Wagons started to take off at Mayo, it was a welcomed venture--helping others, and helping ourselves just as much in the process. The little red wagon was now Warrior Wagons, and continued to "lighten my load"--this time my load of grief. If you've been with me on my journey through grief thus far through Drawing from Drew, you read along as we found purpose again, gained our footing, through this little project of ours. 

I'll always remember the time Molly and I saw a Warrior Wagon being pulled down the sidewalk on 2nd street the first year.  We spotted it between the clinic and the hospital, not knowing who the family was. The look on Molly's face as she put it all together (that was one of OUR wagons!). It was the same feeling I had inside. They were strangers, yet friends, because they were in one of our little red wagons, Drew's wagons ❤

I had the distinct feeling of Drew's presence as we drove by them that afternoon. I can't describe it any other way, but that I could feel his smile. And I get the same feeling when friends randomly send me "sightings" of Warrior Wagons around Mayo, it just makes my day.

The stories I've heard in the last 2 years of comfort, peace and comradery the Warrior Wagons have brought to their families have brought me to tears so many times. Each family's positive feedback stirring up a strange mix of joy and satisfaction, yet grief and regret that they even have to exist. That other families are going through what we did. It's an absolute shame, what these children and families have to endure. But, if we can make it a little easier, I'm thankful we can do it.

When we expanded to Minneapolis this winter--Warrior Wagons entered a new space, one that Drew never was a part of. Staff that didn't know him or us, but have agreed to let Warrior Wagons in. And now, Drew's there too. In the hospital play rooms and clinic hallways as they begin to fill up with little red Warrior Wagons, my Drew is a part of it. His life continues to make a difference in this world. Which means so much to a mother who longs so deeply for her son to be remembered, to see that his life mattered.

I am continually blown away by the support we receive. By way of encouraging emails, out-of-the blue online donations, groups requesting information for a collective donation, and even other organizations and businesses wishing to do fundraisers to benefit our Warriors! People's generosity and sacrifice is so beautiful. It daily reminds me that there is so much good still in this sometimes-awful world. That Love still does conquer all, and never fails.

There has also never been a shortage of people willing to support us with their time, skills, or abilities. Now with us out of the state, we rely on volunteers to do much of the ground work, and I've teared up many times at how willing people are to be a part of this project. I've learned over the last two years that there are many working parts involved in running a successful nonprofit.  So much more than meets the eye, and a lot more that is seemingly unrelated to the actual mission!

But it has to get done, and people always come through. It's been amazing to watch as our closest friends to casual acquaintances step forward and help out. God is sustaining and supplying us so abundantly, it leaves me in awe. I can see now that us moving away for a time has allowed others a chance to fill in. Which has been a great thing for Warrior Wagons and our community!

It's another way I see Drew's memory living on too, as his active memorial is bringing people together. Some of the very people that gave to us, who started Warrior Wagons in 2016 as I said through their generosity to our family, are now continuing to give to those that follow behind us.

And then those that have received a Warrior Wagon, are giving back themselves! The volunteer family making it happen in Minneapolis? They are a Warrior family! They received a Warrior Wagon last year for their son, who has since transferred his care back to Children's, where they're from. They felt so strongly about Warrior Wagons, and were so eager to be a part of it, that they pushed us over the last few hurdles to get operating up there.

This family has been through a lot, but are still enthusiastic about helping others. The little red wagon is now being passed on third hand in the Twin cities. How cool is that?


I had the privilege of meeting one of our Warriors in person when I was in Austin last week. His family was kind enough to make a donation to us, and I was picking it up. Since we've moved, it's been a while since I've met and chatted with an adorable little Warrior. He was so well spoken, playful, and patient as his dad and I talked. It was a delight to play catch with him and hear him giggle. With his little cho-cho NG tube sticker on his cheek, and fluffy baby-duckling like hair starting to come back in, he reminded me of my Drew. I wish I would have taken a picture with him!

And you know? It didn't make me as sad as you'd think. I was surprised at how happy I left their home that night. To meet this little boy I'd heard about, to remember my Drew, and to know that this little guy was riding around in a little red Warrior Wagon too. What a profound feeling of comfort and fulfillment, but not without the heartbreak for what this sweet little boy has had to endure, and what still lies ahead.

The reason I was back in Austin was for a speaking engagement.  I had the privilege of telling our story, sharing some truth we learned along the way, and explaining all about Warrior Wagons to a wonderful group of ladies at a nearby small town church.

I was giving speeches or presentations fairly regularly around Minnesota when we moved, but haven't since the fall. I'd love to get back into speaking again, as it felt wonderful to introduce people to my Drew! I lined up some other Warrior Wagon business when I was there, and it was so great to be hands-on once more. To be a part of the action, seeing our Warrior Wagons in real life again, discussing it with people face-to-face. I miss that. I miss begin able to take in what we are working so hard on.

But I might not have to miss it for too long. We have a meeting coming up with a big Chicago hospital. If the details get worked out, we soon may be giving Warrior Wagons to children and families in our new home. Expanding the impact of Drew's life even further. Supporting and helping more families with the wisdom and experience we paid so dearly for, whether we wanted to or not.

I think that's part of why Warrior Wagons has been so important to us. It brings purpose to our experience. It symbolizes more than just paying it forward, but overcoming tragedy. Living out our belief that because of the Cross, death never gets the victory, and it didn't in our family. I will never say Drew lost his battle with cancer. And even though our family sustained such a great loss, we surly did not lose either. Warrior Wagons is our declaration of that. And our way to encourage other families to have the same attitude.

I left Austin last week with my cup so filled with fond memories, hope and purpose. Little boys like my new friend Christian are having a little easier 'a time because of my little boy. Drew's life is making a difference in this world. People are coming together, sacrificing their time and resources to further this cause. A new city, a new branch of Warrior Wagons, may soon be born. God is using what the enemy meant to destroy us with for good--just like He promised (Genesis 50:20). I'm left so very thankful to be a part of such an amazing display of His power, provision, and love.


We're doing it, Drewy. Your sister and us--we are carrying on, moving forward, honoring your life just like we promised. I know you are with us, and with every little red wagon that has Warrior Wagons across the back!

The Light

The power went out recently in our neighborhood.  We had just finished supper, I was beginning to clean up the kitchen and as I opened the fridge, everything went out.  It tried to come on a couple times, but to no success.  Josh, Molly, and I just kind of waited around for a moment, figuring it would come right back on.

But it didn't.  The longer we waited around, we realized it wasn't coming back on right away. Outside, we noticed first one backyard neighbor come out on his deck and look around, and then another.  Josh went out and confirmed that they were without power too. I texted my friends across the street and they had power, so it must have been just our side of the block.

I continued to clean up the kitchen while Josh and Molly were outside.  My sink filled with soapy water, I went to work and watched out the window as more and more families came outside.  It was a beautiful night--maybe a bit chilly, but still a warm springy night--it's kind of funny no one was out before!  Some houses I didn't even know had kids, but apparently do, because I counted 3 out in the yard playing with their dog.

Without wifi and power, it was amazing how quickly the backyards seemed to be hopping with families playing games, and kids swinging on swing sets.  Funny how that is, right?  Now, this isn't a post about limiting screen time, or the evils of technology, don't worry.  I was convicted here since Molly would have been inside on her tablet too if it wasn't for the outage. It was a good reality check--are we too glued to our devices to enjoy a nice evening together?

Anyway, it remained off as it started to get dark.  As the sun gradually set, the darkness seemed to creep in and slowly fill in the light.  We all began to think of what we should do before it got really dark if the power stayed off.  We told Molly to go brush her teeth and I decided to shower too before it got dark.

As I was in the shower, I thought about how we were trying to beat the darkness.  Our bathroom window is the only West facing window in our whole house, so that room was the brightest with the last rays of sunshine. We take for granted the sunlight, it doesn't even matter if its light outside or not with electricity. #firstworldlife I guess...

I came back downstairs and I was amazed how dark it had gotten in the time I was gone. When the darkness creeps in gradually, you don't realize how dark it has become. But when you miss 20 minutes of the transition it seems so much darker.

So next we searched for our flashlights and batteries while we could still find them (the Becker house needs to be better prepared!). As we were messing with flashlights and stealing batteries from working devices, I remembered candles. Duh! I lit a big 3 wick one a friend had sent me for my birthday. And there it was--light! Amazing how this candle just lit up the room, driving out the darkness.

I thought how interesting it is that if it was already bright, the candle's glow would hardly even be noticeable. But in the darkness, it illuminated the room. 

The power came back on not too long after that. It was out about an hour and a half--right through dusk and into night. Each house lit up behind us at the same instant, and life was back to "normal". I was almost a little disappointed. It was kind of exciting to be unplugged, off the grid!




Easter is almost here. One of my favorites. (Who am I kidding? I love all holidays.) Maybe it's because spring finally breaks around Easter that makes it so exciting, aside from the obvious importance in our faith. The grass turns green and trees start to bud, it's just such a refreshing time, full of energy and new life.

We have so many great memories from Easter weekend, and treasure the three years we were lucky enough to have with Drew.

Drew took his first steps on Easter Sunday, I remember it was my birthday, April 5th, 2015. I just love the tie he wore that year, and the expressions in this photo 😆

And while I always have understood it's spiritual significance, I feel like in the last three years I've really come to embrace it's profound meaning with my whole heart. The suffering, the sacrifice, the loss....and then the glorious morning when Christ arose from the dead, giving all who believe Life along with Him. Salvation and Hope arose that morning, and I celebrate that victory over death now in such a deep, sensitive place in my spirit and soul. Praise God!

Thinking about that candle the other night has really reminded me of the great truth about himself Jesus shared: "I am the light of the world" (John 8:12). It is a concept that is brought up throughout the Bible, Jesus being the light that drives out the darkness. I know this isn't the first piece written about the picture of Jesus as the candle in a dark room, but its such a great visual and one that is now fresh in my mind after the power outage.  I've been singing the children's song, "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine..." all week 😊 

But really, once we lit that candle, the room came to life again. Existed again from out of the darkness. We could now do things once more, with it's light. We could function--but only with the glow the candle gave off. We were totally at the mercy of output of the flame.

I thought about how we didn't even realize how dark it was getting, until we couldn't see. In life, how slowly and gradually the Light dims too if we don't tend to it.  We don't even notice until a crisis happens, our world is shaken, and we realize how lost we are. Suddenly we become aware of how far away we've gotten from the Light.

We all are guilty--we get distracted, careless. We take for granted the Light that allows us to function, and don't appreciate it until it's seemingly gone. But that's just it, it's never gone! The Light that is Jesus is there for anyone to have, and can be used by all to see. He brings back to life the things the darkness of this world hides from us--like joy, hope and peace. I know He does for me, every day.

And there's more good news! We can have this Light with us wherever we go! We just have to ask for it. To accept it, and it's ours. Never to be in the dark again. "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path". (Psalm 119:105). We can even share it with others, so they too can have the Light with them. And it won't take anything away from our own! Isn't that great?

All because He chose the Cross, which we remember tomorrow on Good Friday. The Light was momentarily darkened, but shone brighter than ever 3 days later--never to be dimmed again. Hallelujah! Something to celebrate indeed.

There was an amazing Easter event at our new church which included a glow Easter egg hunt! The sanctuary was blacked out, and they had bright black lights that made the eggs and decorations florescent.

The versus they had written on the black walls spoke to me as I had been thinking about this whole light of the world thing, giving me goosebumps...

I don't know where I'd be without the Light that shines in my life, as the darkness of death and grief threaten from the shadows. The Light gives me Hope. And with it, joy and peace. Because I know that because Jesus lives, my Drew does too.

I love how God reveals himself to us in so many different ways, IF we're paying attention. Like last week when we were temporarily in the dark. Reminding me just in time for Easter of the wonderful truth that He is the Light that the darkness could not extinguish, as hard as it tried.

Happy Easter everyone. Let's celebrate the Light of the world together, and rejoice that death has no victory in my family or in yours because of Jesus!

Celebrating Life

We just got back from our first big family vacation, just us 3. It went so well. I really think it couldn't have gone better! Molly is at such a good age--old enough to keep her stuff together, but young enough to still have that wonder and joy of childhood.

Prayers of safe travels, safety at ports, healing from colds and protection from catching new ones, as well as Molly not getting sea sick were all answered. I'll try to start from the beginning and keep it not too long 😉

It was so fun to watch her get more and more excited as the day approached to set sail. She told everyone from her bus driver to checkout cashiers she was going on a cruise ship next week. We watched YouTube videos of our ship, and browsed through photos of our excursions. All of us could hardly wait by the last few days!

But as always, the more happy and excited we all got, the sadness built too. I found myself thinking, gosh, if only Drewy could go with us too! If only I could watch him get excited. If only Molly had her brother to squeal with excitement with...

The whole vacation experience didn't disappoint, from the 4:15AM Uber ride to O'Hare on, it was all exciting. Even before we got to the big ship the air plane rides, taxis, and hotel pool were pretty exciting for a seven year old (and me too, really!).

Then we walked up the gangway to the ship and said Bon Voyage! Leaving the real world behind for over a week.

All 8 days of the cruise were amazing. The sea days included lots of sun, food, water slides, arcade games, deck games, more food, and more sun. 

Molly participated in activities at Camp Ocean, the child zone where parents can drop off their kids a few different times. But not as much as we thought. And you know? It was okay! It was so fun to do things together. I certainly didn't mind being on Mom duty from a poolside with a tropical drink in hand😎

The port days were great too. At Grand Turk in the Turks and Caicos islands we did a glass bottom boat tour that was really neat and a good way to start the ocean activities before going to our first beach.

In San Juan, Puerto Rico, we didn't have an excursion but made our way through the cobblestone streets to the umbrella road and back again. It was pretty warm that day in between all the buildings, over 90°guys. Molly and I were hot. Feel sorry for us...😉

Then in St Kitts we did a snorkeling excursion and I was so impressed by how well Molly took to it! She really loved it. The scenery was beautiful.

We all think they saved the best port for last, though. St Maarten was absolutely gorgeous. The beach had to be one of the most beautiful I've been blessed to experience. Soft white sand, amazingly aqua water. And the waves were big enough to really get you excited, yet not too big to enjoy. I could have watched Molly play in those waves forever. And she probably could have too!

During the evenings we enjoyed "fancy" dinners in the dining room, shows, deck top movies, and parlor games.

And unlike other trips when Josh and I go alone, this time I felt no pull to go back home because Molly was with us! No wondering how she was doing, or if she missed us. She did so well, used her manners and listened to us most of the time. It was enjoyable getting to know her better, see her in a new setting and how she handles things. She's a pretty interesting kid! I think we have entered in a new phase of life where family vacations really are fun!

I guess there is only one way it could have been better. I know you all see it coming...As our family of 3 found our groove and really enjoyed each other, I just couldn't help at times wondering what the groove our family of 4 could have found. How our happy-go-lucky, outgoing and charming little Drew would have fit in. At times my heart just ached noticing the empty chair at dinner, or the lone rider on the bus/airplanes and no sibling waiting for Molly to come out the bottom of the water slide...

But in another answer to prayer, we had several moments that gave me goosebumps even in the warm sun of the tropics, as Drew's presence was felt. The moments Molly and I looked at each other and without a word knew that what just happened was especially for us. It was such a gift. Like all the rainbows at our first port, which the guide said was rare. Moments I'll carry with me forever...

Drew would have turned 5 today, April 1st.

Five years old, I can't even imagine it.

The last two birthdays have hit me hard. As this one approached I've obviously been a little distracted--which I decided as I had time to think and write on the planes yesterday, is okay.

As I wash clothes, grocery shop, put away tank tops and swim suits for a few more months today, I've been thinking maybe we did the best celebration of Drew's life so far. The week of his birthday we did just what he taught us--to make the most of each day. To embrace joy and live fully in the moment. It's not that he would've loved the trip--he DID! I have no doubt.

No, I haven't cried about his birthday yet this year. That special day we shared 5 years ago when Drewy came into this world didn't seem to hurt as much as it has in the past. Which doesn't mean we didn't remember him, that he wasn't very much in our thoughts and hearts. We continue to miss him every day, but what that looks like is changing. Maybe I won't cry every year on his birthday. Maybe we can celebrate his life by living ours.

We believe he is okay. And because of Jesus, we can rest in the hope that we will see him again. There will be beaches even more beautiful than the ones I saw last week where BOTH my children will laugh and play in the waves, and I really can sit and watch them forever...

And that hope frees us to enjoy today. To smile on his birthday, and not to cry. We can trust that it will be alright, allowing us to let joy fill us while we are in the most incredible places in the mean time. Enjoying each other and looking forward to being together again. Like a preview of the paradise we'll relish in some day for all days.



And last week in the Caribbean Ocean during Spring Break, that's just what we did❤